Depression and Creativity

It's frustratingly ironic at the moment.  When I am in an emotionally good place and mentally stable arena, my creativity is rather lacking.  It's a bit silly really that I should be at my creative best when my depression has wrapped its talons around my brain.

Depression is dark, desolate and dreadful but it ignites a fire of imagination.  I do know that I have written from the depths of depression, so my brain has almost been wired to work best in those conditions.  Stephen Fry used to get writer's block unless he was smoking a cigarette at his computer.  Of course, I'm not thinking of skipping my medication for a week so I can whack out a few thousand words of the book I'm working on - now that would be insane.  I 'simply' need to re-train my brain to work under different conditions.

Depression was my muse and my Intruder softly spoke creative words.  My Intruder has been placed in solitary confinement so it is time for another muse, another creative spark which will fan into flame my imagination:

When did we get to this place, this time and wonderful sense of peace and serenity?  It's surprising and slightly unnerving to be able to wake happy and (mostly) free from the putrid, paralysing grip on my consciousness.  My mind is not being squeezed by the horrendous thoughts of disdain and dread; I am not filled with anxiety over the day ahead.  I can wake in the arms of my beautiful girl, feel her breath on my neck, her arms round my chest and gentle murmur as she sleeps and be at peace.  

I am in a new place which is one of potential and promise, optimism and opportunity, happiness and hope.  I have days which knock me off my feet and bloody my nose, but these days are getting rarer and are being dragged away into the darkness.  If you are wrapped in guilt and anxiety, remember these days are not eternal and these fears are not permanent.  Nothing is static and no fear can harm you.  You are defined by so much more than you can see right now, for you are defined by the wonderful, beautiful and lovely you.  

Islam, Jesus & Atheism

What do you believe?

Allah?

Yahweh?

Jesus?

Nothing?

Karma?

Whatever we believe, they are all very different, but cross many similar boundaries.  Jews, Muslims and Christians are united by Abraham and divided by many other aspects.  They all believe on one God, who is all powerful, all knowing and timeless.

Buddhists (and many people who are vague about their beliefs) believe in Karma and what you give in life dictates what you get.

Atheists believe in no god/gods and that this life is the beginning, middle and end.

We are all united though, because we are human.

The right-wing preachers and bringers of death and doom can all go f*** themselves because the reasonable ones of us realise that life is beautiful because of questions and wonderful dialogue.  Carmen and I had a good time last night chatting with the local Indian restaurant owner about his faith in Allah and the traditions he follows.  His belief in the Koran, Allah and Mohammed was intriguing and interesting.

I honestly don't know what is 'out there' but I do know that I don't want to be ignorant to others' beliefs because our world is built on faith traditions and to ignore them is to ignore our heritage.

Peace.

The Arrogant

Anything you can do I can do better.  You're wrong, that will never work or happen.  You don't know what you're talking about, get real - look at reality.  Step out of the clouds and stop dreaming.

The words of arrogance.  The words of pessimism and negative ideology.

Great icons of history never bowed down to the voices of the arrogant.  They never succumbed to those words which were like an irritating ulcer in the side of your mouth.  Barack Obama would not be president if he allowed The Arrogant to dictate to him his thoughts and dreams.  Martin Luther King Jr would not have implemented the road to equality had he allowed the voices of disdain to guide him through that tempestuous road.  Jesus of Nazareth would never have been more than a carpenter had he been brow beaten and pushed down by the arrogant presumptions of the religious elite.

We must never assume our thoughts and deeds and dreams are unworthy because others scoff, scorn and criticise.  Their world is tainted by disappointment and resentment.  The arrogant have knocked them down and they have given in and given up.

But.

You have dreams and hopes and ambitions.  It does not mean you have to change the world, but simply look at your world and the world of those around you and dare to think of something better, greater.  A change in the dynamics of a relationship.  A change in the way you see yourself in the mirror.  A move from anger to peace.  A shift from resentment to forgiveness.  A day where you open your eyes and look to the potential of the day, not a hope for the day to end.

I have so much I want to achieve and The Arrogant can make me believe it won't happen.  There are things over the past few months which have changed.  I am in love, when I wasn't sure it would happen because I barely even liked myself let alone could love another.  I see opportunity and hope in each sunrise, whereas I used to want to remain in the dark of my room as if afraid of the sunlight.

You must not believe the voices of doom.  Listen to your voice and follow where your dreams are taking you.

Peace.  x

Bijou

The explosion is violent and it tears at my brain,
Scattering my thoughts through the cosmos,
Teetering me on the edge of the almost insane.
I steady myself, blink once, twice, am I lost?
No, I am still here gazing in one direction,
Letting the dust settle and swirl and scatter.
I try not to be swayed by the noise and distraction,
For the explosion is cleansing and only you matter.

Out of the violence and disruption purity comes,
Leaving behind the muck and filth and scum,
And projecting into the light my beautiful one;
You who is not dragged and beaten undone.
No, the fire and explosion is the purification
of my mind. Taking away the grime and muck,
And leaving love which is wonderfully true.
For it is from you my jewel, my sweet Bijou.  

The End is Nigh

The end is nigh.  Simply pondering on it at the moment, but I wonder if the implosion of Europe and beyond is actually going to be a good thing?  Will the peaking of oil actually create a positive out of a perceived disaster?

If countries suddenly find they are unable to trade on the massive scale they are, will they start to focus locally and begin to energise local industry again?  If oil is so expensive that importing of goods and services becomes impossible, will communities create those goods and services instead?

I am ignorant to global economics and naive about international trading, but I am curious as to whether the world needs to collapse in order for society to build again with community as the focus and not greed and individualism...

My Current Journey to Disbelief

I haven't written about my journey to atheism for a while.  Not that I haven't been pondering upon it; it is something I am meditating on each day and wondering what it all means.

I am connected with many interesting and diverse people who are people of faith in God.  People who are sure of God being there, guiding them, helping them and loving them.  I have met many Christians who have made the idea of Christianity bitter tasting.  I have seen their actions and listened to their words and been greatly repulsed by the idea of even believing in God again.

But.

There are those I am connected with who remind me of the great good spirituality does for individuals and also communities.  My twin bro is inspiring and I admire the work he is doing in Devon.  I love to talk with him about theology and leave pondering on his words.

I met Rob, the new Pastor of West Mersea Free Church, and was very pleased to have met him.  He has a really interesting story and am looking forward to more coffee with him and more chats about life and faith from two very different stances.  And I was really impressed by his vision of community and how he would like to walk with me as I continue my journey of disbelief.

So, I am far from repulsed by belief in God.  I do not reject belief out of anger or resentment.  I simply don't believe.  C.S. Lewis said he sees God in everything (to paraphrase), whereas I don't see God in everything around me.  That's not a pessimistic statement; because I see so much around me which fills me with joy.

Where my journey is now though, is it is journey of disbelief wrapped in contentment.  I no longer go to therapy; I am sleeping through the night; I am eating more and putting on weight; I am in love; I am happy.

This sense of peace has come from within, not without.  And for the first time in a very long time I feel balanced.  I have trudged through the darkness and because of those around me and my utter determination to find peace and joy I have got there.

Now that is a wonderful feeling.

Power Play

We should never try to make people in our image.  We are not the masters of other people's lives and destinies.  We are not to live our lives through others.  People are unique and wonderful. People need the freedom to explore who they are without judgement, without sneers, without unnecessary pressure.

We all are on a journey of exploration about who we are and where we fit in.  My life cannot be transferred on to someone else.  I cannot force someone to look at life through my eyes.  They have their own eyes, goals, dreams and fears.  They need the love and support to walk their own path with me there as support and love.  Love has no BUTS.  Love has no conditions.  I love you.  Full stop.

When we try to force our ideals on another, we restrict them from living their life to the full.  When we try to make a clone of ourselves through another, we are insulting them and denying them the life they have.

When we try to control others we are playing a game of power which ultimately magnifies our own insecurities.

So spread your wings and cherish who you are.  You are wonderfully unique and remember, none of us are perfect; none of us have all the answers; none of us have finished the journey of identity.

Peace.

The Sun Newspaper is Sick

I walked into the shop the other day and saw the Sun newspaper on the stand.  It had a large picture of Col. Gaddafi, shot dead.  'That's for Lockerbie,' gloated the headline.  Sensationalist, infantile, puerile news.  Death and sex is splashed across this newspaper, with half-truths, blatant lies and writing which tries to incite and promote bigotry, hatred and promote ignorance.

How can these journalists be respected when they write headlines such as, 'Rot in Hell with Hitler'?

I am saddened that The Sun is the biggest selling newspaper in Britain, selling 2.7 million copies a day and the Daily Mail is second, selling just over 2 million copies.  Why do so many people want to buy into these vitriolic and utterly foul newspapers?  Seeing the Gaddafi headline disgusted me, because it's praising brutality and gratuitous violence.  It's not simply about Gaddafi being killed in war, the articles also focused on how the dictator was dragged through the streets like a 'rat', beaten, humiliated and shot.  Mob mentality took over and God help anyone caught in the middle of a mob.

Yes, Gaddafi was depraved and delusional.  Yes he was an example of how power corrupts absolutely.  But, we don't need to hero-worship the rebels killing him.  We don't need to splash images of his death everywhere.

Western Civilisation?  Gandhi was right when he said it would be a good idea.

*Here's a link to The Sun if you want to read the articles and see the photos.  I hate what they do, but they have the right to do it.

I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
Voltaire*

When Did You?

When did you become a thief, since it was I who dared to steal your heart?  In my distraction of winning that precious love of yours, I did not see you gracefully glide in and sweep me away.  I am overwhelmed and impressed by the subtlety of your seduction.  It has surprised me; it has surpassed expectations; it has knocked me sideways.

When did you become this woman of great depth and intrigue?  Forgive me for underestimating you and the richness of life you bring me.  Forgive me for assuming so much, when about you I knew so little.  I am diving deeper and deeper into the waters of your world.  I am discovering beautiful delights behind every twist and turn; it is a journey of excitement and passion.

When did I become this man of contentment and serenity?  In my world of frantic energy, fuzzy perspective and flawed judgement, I failed to see what I truly was and can be.  How did you know?  How did you see so quickly and scarily accurately?  I sleep and eat and talk and laugh and 'be.'  The simplest parts to life have become the richest with you.

Success or Failure?

In the space of two years I have gone from owning a house, full of possessions, to being almost able to carry my life on my back. A few clothes, books and dvds are pretty much what I own.

Does this substantial decrease of material possessions challenge, alter, disrupt who I am? Am I any more or less Tom by what I own? Does owning a house and paying a mortgage define me as successful? Does moving back to my parents' house define me as a failure? Does getting married and building a life make me complete? Does getting divorced shred to pieces my wholeness?

It depends on your superficiality and snap judgements.

To the outside world, who don't see beyond the white, picket fence, my life would have appeared picturesque; a beautiful wife, fulfilling job and buying a lovely house.

Success.

Choosing to give that up must equal failure.

But, the sacrifice of the house and marriage has ensured something much more fulfilling: a maintaining of a friendship as opposed to a marriage which could have been a lie. The giving up of a job to ensure I always was known for my integrity and not dedication to how others perceived me.

To me, I am struggling with knowing that to have so little (materially) does not mean I am far from complete or successful. Actually, I couldn't give a shit about successful; I hate that word.

Success.

It's a word that spews from the mouths of pushy parents and self-righteous, money driven, fame obsessed chasers of nothingness.

Success.

It's a word that, if an object, would be the dried up saliva in the corner of your mouth or the stringy vomit after you've puked up.

I don't like the word because society has made it a word of pressure, a word of chasing distant dreams. Success should mean valued relationships, close friends, integrity of character, realised dreams.

So, I am not a success, I am not a failure; I am Tom who will strive to live his life to its fullest, to its richest and never to the chants of others.   

The Harvest of our Relationships

The oyster deals with extreme conditions throughout its short life.  It is battered and bashed and bundled around.  Harsh winds and waters throw it around, knocking it about.  It is dredged up from the seabed by oystermen, dumped on to a boat and then knocked about with a cold, steel knife to get rid of any unwanted shell and debris.

It is thrown into a box, taken ashore, tipped into other boxes, blasted with a power washer, tipped around, lugged about, graded in size and eventually ends up in yet another box to be delivered to a restaurant or eagerly awaiting customer.

When the oyster us finally opened, inside is a beautifully delicate mollusc which seems to defy the harsh treatment it has endured.  And sometimes, just sometimes, inside you'll find a perfectly formed pearl.  A beautiful product of nature which sits there as a product of the oyster being irritated by sand in the shell.

As people, we will be battered and bundled around in our lives.  Sometimes physically, but usually emotionally.  It is our endurance and perseverance though which sets us apart.  We will be hurt by others, made to feel torn and tossed around and tested beyond what we feel we can handle.  Somehow we claw our way through and find the harvest of our journey is more wisdom, greater awareness and a heightened understanding of ourselves.

We will also find a beautiful pearl as a product of those 'irritants' hounding us.  Those pearls could be a hug, a kiss, a kind gesture, the gentle hand squeeze from a loved one, a penetrating look just to let you know someone is there for you.

Whatever the pearl, ensure you treasure it and keep it in a safe place, because the harvest of those pearls will be a lifeline, a means of support when everything seems rather futile.

Be Mine

Would you be mine, my darling, my lover?

Would you walk into the light and discover

How the darkness will melt away and dissolve?

These emotions many a problem solve.

Don't struggle through the oppressive night,

Grasping blindly ahead and wishing for light.

Allow the liberating warmth of the morning sun,

To penetrate your soul and free your  mind.

Those arms which wrap you safe and tight,

Are not going to slip away into the night.

Those words on my lips are deep and true,

There to reassure and carry you through.

Would you be mine, darling, lover, friend?

I have dropped the mask and no longer pretend.

The fear is cowering away from the hopes and dreams,

And letting you step into all you dare to be.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Without sleep we become zombies who drag their feet through each day, lost in waking dreams and muddled minds. I have had years of poor sleep and unsettled nights. Inability to rest properly and finding myself waking three or four times a night. I thought it was normal and would be part of what makes me Tom.

Recently though, I have been sleeping peacefully. I have been sleeping through the night and waking feeling refreshed and happy. My dreams have been less intense and actually it has been nice to wake without remembering any dreams at all. I love to dream and wake with vivid pictures of rather random and epic storylines from my subconscious. But, to wake having slept peacefully and happily is actually a better sensation. My daydreams are much more optimistic and I enjoy the sensation of serenity in the mornings.

 I love waking with someone beautiful in my arms and the warmth of her stirring as she comes out of her slumber. I love the way she looks at me when she wakes, with true contentment and sparkling eyes knowing I am there with her.

 I love how the simple process of sleep means close friends comment on how well I look, how my eyes are alive and my face is fresh. It is comforting and encouraging. I am not deluding myself that I am doing well. I am doing well.

 When peace comes, embrace it and treasure it. I hope it is not fleeting, but even so, nurture the sensation it brings because we're in a world of quick fixes and passing peace. Peace.

Beautiful Lynne

Lynne was a wonderful woman. She lived with an essence of kindness, empathy and spiritual awareness. She was not entangled in the binds of self-pity and despair, but enveloped in the bright and refreshing sense of hope and optimism.

If evil exits then cancer is its apprentice. It is a disease which eats the body and distresses the soul. Lynne fought against it though. She fought for years; beating it back and triumphing like a warrior. Cancer was not going to be her oppressor and I am deeply admirable of how she was so resiliant.

Lynne represents the beauty of humanity and how we are people of great possibilities. She provided a deep, lasting, truthful friendship for my mum. Mum's soul sister. Any person who remains a friend for so many years is someone you know can be trusted, loved and listened to. She was a wonderful rock of support to mum and will be a sorely missed friend.

Death can be unsettling and shatter peace and harmony in our lives. What Lynne can be remembered for though is how in her life she exuded peace and even in her death she leaves that legacy, which we must hold on to.

To honour you Lynne we will try to be at peace.

She's Worth It

I love the climb to happiness I have come to. I love how I am stable, happy, at ease in my own skin (mostly). I have wanted to be 'happy' for a long time. Not a fleeting sense of happiness, but a deep seated happiness which reveals being content and knowing it will be long term.

But.

I don't believe in my happiness being at the price of others. I don't believe my happiness should come at the expense of others. I don't believe in making others sad, angry and upset so I can feel good.

Being in a new relationship is lovely. It's making me smile a lot. We are at ease with each other. We feel completely relaxed with each other. We love the company we share. We have had to struggle (already) with how other people have handled our new relationship. We have felt a need to justify our relationship to a certain degree. The last thing I want is for our relationship to cause others to have an issue or to feel uncomfortable. I always feel a sense of guilt if I am unintentionally causing another to feel upset in any way because of my actions - even when they are actions of integrity and good will.

I don't believe in the idea that we're 'entitled' to be happy no matter what the cost. We are not an island and should seek to live in harmony with those around us.

But.

I have met someone special who I am looking forward to sharing the journey with and discovering more and more about her and who she is. It is new and exciting and interesting. She is beautiful. She is caring. She is full of integrity and has a wonderfully good heart. There may be others who find our relationship problematic, but it is to do with their insecurities and difficulties - not ours. It is here I see I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy, because I have sought this happiness with good intentions and and an excited heart.

And she's worth it.

How Far Should We Go?

How far do we go with others in regards to guiding them? My life has been a roller coaster for a while and I know I gave others permission and validation to act as means of guidance and support when I was unable to see the light through the inky blackness.

I am now stable, happy and filled with an essence of clarity. I know where I am going. I know what I want. I know what is good for me and what is toxic. I will avoid toxic people and environments. I do not need them or it.

Of course, some people in my life will find it hard to believe I am stable and happy and see my decisions and actions as marred. They will see what I do as clouded and under the influence of unclear thinking and a need to destruct. The sparkle in my eyes and the shift in my moods and behaviour proves otherwise though, so I am confident in who Tom is.

What do I do though when I see people's lives which I see heading down the wrong path? My initial response is to let them walk down that path, for it is theirs to walk, not mine. I feel it is important for us, as human beings, to be able to fall down and as we pick ourselves up again, gain insight into why we tumbled. I am not a dictator and I am not controlling. Therefore I wouldn't feel I have integrity in trying to pull people away from something I see as bad. BUT, is there a moment when we should step in? Is there a moment, when someone may not have the clarity to make a sound decision and needs another to do it for them?

I will never judge because how dare I? I will be concerned though...

Then and Now

I'm coming to the end of my time in therapy. It's liberating and comforting. Two sure signs I'm making the right decision to come away from it. A few months ago I would have been terrified of stopping therapy; it was a lifeline, a source of breath, comfort, guidance and stability. I feel at ease now to stop it. I know I am stronger. I know I am far more at peace. I know I like myself now.

That's the difference. In my time in therapy I have seen myself evolve and tear through the cocoon suffocating me and squeezing the life from my chest. At times I have managed to punch through the wall and start to suck in the life giving qualities of self-love, peace and stability. Then there have been those times where the cocoon's wall regenerated, pushing me back inside and covering my world in darkness again. Self-love to self-loathing; peace to unrest; stability to anarchy.

Now it's different. Now is the time.

I am happy. I am not manic; I am happy. I do not grapple with thoughts of self-harm; I am not seeking ways to self-destruct. I used to use others as an excuse to tumble down the hill of destruction. Use them as a scapegoat for my own desire to spiral into a world of madness. Not anymore.

The past week I have spent time with someone who is becoming very special to me; time with her confirmed my desire to seek peace and wholeness. Time with her and my friends recently has been affirming my desire to be a better man, a happy man, a man who uses his life to the potential it can get to.

I will never dismiss my illness. I will allow myself to live though and not let my illness live through me.

Shove your Conditional Love

I'm quite angry. All of us are in this journey of life, climbing the mountain. We struggle and negotiate the difficult path of life. We sometimes lose our footing and tumble. Sometimes we brush ourselves off and start climbing again; hoping to find safer ground and a possibly easier path. Sometimes the fall hurts too much and we have to be carried and cared for as we can't climb on our own.

There are moments where we get to stand on safe, solid, secure ground and enjoy the sun beating on our faces. The sun might be a loving partner, a good job, a fulfilled dream or simple contentedness. But the beauty of feeling that energy from something or someone in your life is fantastic.

The majority of people in my life are wonderful. They are not vicious or malicious. They are caring, good humoured, good natured, good fun, good friends. I would feel blessed to have them in my life until the day I die and share the mountain climb with them.

So, I am angry when one of these wonderful friends is left in tears and made to feel less human. She's been made to feel worthless and less of a person because her lifestyle doesn't fit with other people's dogmatic and bullish way. She's branded as a "sinner" and has given her life "over to Satan." These Right-Wing Evangelical "Christians" have made my friend feel less loved because they have decided she is a disappointment. She isn't subscribing to their narrow-minded, bigoted and blinkered view of religion, so she needs to be discarded. Let me guess they'd quote St Paul about handing people over to Satan so they can then find their way back. What a load of shite.

These Evangelicals almost worship the Bible more than the God they believe in so maybe they need to read 1 Corinthians 13 about love being something completely unconditional. If my friend suddenly decided she wanted to subscribe to their version of religion again, they would welcome her with open arms and love and joy. Well, that's not real love then. Real love mean you love someone because, well, why wouldn't you?

My friend is wonderful and I love her to pieces. She is fantastic. End of. There needs to be no reasons why.

The Butterfly Effect

Step on those beautiful wings to stop the chain,
But don't you see what you do multiplies the pain?
You crush the wings in your palm to slow the process,
But you have multiplied the outcome beyond what you possess.

A butterfly flaps and and Tsunami roars and consumes,
The gentle wings wakes Krakken and his deadly fury.
We stare at the Admiral's enchanting colour and purity,
Forgetting the chain reaction he brings forth infinitely.

I have wings which help me to wonderfully soar and fly,
So please don't drag me down and tell me it's goodbye.
For my tears will fall and turn into floods of pain,
Which overtake us and sweep us away like a runaway train.

Hold me close, for as you do the love entwines our souls,
And lights our beings like never before and will again.
Let us stretch our wings and see their sublime effect,
As we soar together through darkness and light forever.

Panic Attack

I had a panic attack today. It hasn't happened in a while. Let me try to describe it. How it consumes me and wraps its fucking claws round my entire self. You feel it coming and you can't stop it. You feel it creeping up on you like a predator. Its presence lurks up and before you know it you're in its grip and mentally and physically crippled.

Your heart races. You get short of breath. Tears literally drip from your eyes and you feel utterly helpless. You feel like you're going insane.

I hate it because it's like a reminder that I'm mentally ill (as if I need reminding). My Intruder pounces, just to let me know he's still there. Like a big "fuck you." I've felt good over the past weeks. I still feel good. I'm happy and I see hope shining through into many areas of my life. So this panic attack has hit me sideways. My Intruder has punched me in the face. It has come out of nowhere. That's the thing - it's a stark reminder that I may have depression all my life. It may well be a piece in the picture of what makes me Tom.

I'm okay with that. I simply hate being absolutely knocked over like this, where I have to leave work in a mess, climb into bed, close the curtains and hide from the world.

I won't be be beaten. I will win the war against my Intruder.

Handle with Care

We should not become immersed in our own self-importance. We are not the centre of creation or gods of this universe.

We are though, people who have great power to love and be loved. We also have the power to be hurt and, in turn, hurt others.

We can hold the heart of another in our hands; and with that comes great responsibility. We are able to squeeze the life out of another and crush their heart in a heartbeat if we're not careful. It can be through recklessness or manipulation. It can be through neglect or through even good intentions. Whatever the reason, we must remember a person is fragile and should be handled with care. For we know the desire to be handled with care ourselves. At times I have been reckless. And for that I am sorry.

Be gentle with my heart,
For in your hands,
You hold my dreams.

The Sparkle in My Eyes

I am much more stable and happy. I am not drowning in my own despair, hoping and wishing for the waters of destruction to wash over me and crush the air from my lungs. I am not looking for ways to hurt myself physically and emotionally. I am not nonchalant about my own well-being.

Ten months ago I was indifferent to my own safety. I told my therapist I couldn't care less of something bad happened to me. I was in a position of being harmed by others and harming myself. I was not at peace with Tom and almost viewed me from outside of myself. I saw myself through other eyes; cold and distant eyes; eyes that saw Thomas as an object, not a human. The cold, hard, indifferent stare was rather indifferent to what harm may have befallen me. I had lost the sparkle. BUT, now I have it back:

I have life, love and liberty surging through my veins. I am empowered by a sense of new life, new hope, new expectations. I am not consumed by my Intruder's manipulation. He is still present, but his voice is but a distant whisper. He has been confined to a tiny prison in my mind, where he can rattle the bars and protest, but I will fight against him. He will not be allowed to wander through the corridors of my mind.

There is potential in many areas of my life and I am not defined by a craving for 'success'. I want many things from my life, but I want them because I am passionate about them, not because I seek approval from others. I am living for me and those I love who are around me.

My journey continues.

30

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. I don't believe a specific date can suddenly change the course of how your life is going.

I am turning 30 in a few hours and what I do believe is the significance it is bringing. I have been guiding my life along a different path over the past few months. I've stumbled and fallen. I've got back up bloodied and bruised, but even more determined to see my life in a new light. A new dawn. So, turning 30 is marking how my life is on a different path; a path where I'm going to reach for my dreams and strive to pursue that which makes me happy, at peace and fulfilled.

I will be a published author. I will be a loving partner. I will be at peace with Thomas.

Peace. x

Stars

Look at the stars, how they're a glimpse into the past.
They shine from eons ago when we did not exist.
They explode with force and power, burning bright and true,
Lighting up our lives in the epic, endless sky.

Do not let their seeming soft twinkle deceive you,
For these stars hold grandness and majestic allure.
In their light darkness is quenched and pushed back,
Filling our skies with wonderful symbols of hope.

May your life burn with force and beauty,
Filling other's lives with love and grandeur.
Pushing back the darkness, despair and hopelessness,
And enveloping those around you in warming, healing light.

Blinded

I believe in the authenticity of human encounters, no matter how brief. I believe we can all be dazzled by others and our shared moments should never be disregarded. We can never tell where our futures will lead and what strange, ugly and beautiful things await us.

I also believe in integrity. And sometimes authentic human encounters can lack integrity. I have not always shown this trait and I don't hold many regrets, but lacking in integrity is one of them. I think we can be blinded in moments though and it allows core values to be ushered aside in place of the 'here and now.' We can convince ourselves we are acting true to who we are when,in fact, we are walking blindly, fumbling through the darkness; groping for anything we can get hold of to remain upright. Unfortunately we will then reach out for things which are toxic or facilitators to making the world darker so we are not confronting the reality of who we are and what we truly stand for.

I love having the light of my life bursting into my life. I love knowing I have integrity of emotion and am no longer staggering around in the dark. I am not lying to myself and am not pretending everything's "okay" when it's not.

I have many aspects to my life which I want to change and evolve. I am reaching for the stars. But I am reaching with peace in why I am and love for why I am. I am no longer blind. I am not grasping for anything near by, simply to hope it makes me happy. I know what I want for my life and I know what I can achieve.

I once was blind but now I can see.

My Friends

I have friends who are really hurting at the moment. Friends who are dealing with very different situations, but still hurting from very real and raw situations.

Life is very much about perspective, but there are still constants which run through life and we all understand.

My beautiful friend (who has been in my life for many years) is grappling with a broken friendship. She is hurting and feeling confused. I must admit. I feel responsible for fueling the fire of how this friendship has broken down, but I also know friendships run deeper than that. This friendship has fractured and what strikes me is how grace and love is being withdrawn. It's like the friendship is being used as a means to withdraw and hide away from the world. My friend is desperate for the friendship to restore but is being closed out and rejected. Grace? No. We all hurt at times, but unconditional love surpasses everything.

My other dear friend is processing very difficult emotions and a situation which should never be judged. I trust her ability to handle it and know how far she can go with it. Ultimately, this is our life to live and we must walk its rugged path.

I just want them both to know I am there for them and love them. Always and forever. x

*C*

*C* is an alcoholic. *C* has been an alcoholic for many years. I have known him for seven years and he has grappled with this disease for many years before I even first met him. I saw *C* today. I haven't seen him in a long time. He was staggering down the middle of the road as I was driving home from work. He was drunk and disorientated.

I drove past him and stopped. I couldn't leave him to to negotiate with passing traffic. I turned around, parked and stopped him in the street. After a few moments he recognised me. He started to cry. As people walked past and families rode past on their bicycles *C* was begging me to help him. I said I would. I said I would help him to stop hurting. I said I would do what I can to help him stop drinking and get to the root of why he is trying to kill himself through alcohol.

I got him in my car and drove him home.

I phoned an old friend and asked for his advice. Andy is a former headteacher, who is full of wisdom, grace and love. He is going to help me as we try to help *C*. I know alcoholism has deep, dark and destructive claws. I'm not naive and know unless *C* truly wants helps, he will never get better. But I hope we can maybe lead him down the right path.

I feel burdened know. I want to cry. I feel knocked sideways by this encounter. I need a hug.

Exorcism

It's time to exorcise these demons; these cloudy, heavy intrusions,
They know it's time to flee my mind, for I'm no longer under their illusion.
They have wrapped their tails of deceit around the corridors of mind,
Weaving their black magic through the fabric of my sanity,
Injecting my life force with darkness, despair and futility.

Chained by contempt, I have writhed and wriggled to break free,
Determined not to be who they want me to be.
Their claws have curled around my fragile brain, digging in deep,
Drawing out blood and hope and infecting with the insane.

It's time to exorcise these demons, these hosts of hopelessness,
For in their place blasts through light not dread,
Giving my soul refreshment and hope instead.

Come to my mind beams of light and complete purity,
Enveloping me with warmth and love and serenity.
Wrap me in your wings and secure me in the knowledge of your peace,
For I am no longer navigated by destruction but I sing,
In the guiding, healing light you now bring,

Opposites

Life and death. Love and hate. Joy and sadness. Laughter and tears. Rough and smooth. Each day we see opposites colliding. We see the joy of new life in hospitals and homes as babies gasp for their first breath and a bundle of new life is placed into a mother's arms. Then we see the slow procession of a hearse taking a lost loved one to their final resting place. We see hospitals full of tears of joy and churches full of tears of sadness as people bid farewell to someone who has touched their lives and left a fingerprint of love.

Working in a restaurant I always observe the variety of emotions buzzing through the place. You see the couple who are comfortable in their skin and feel no need to say anything but simply enjoy the food and their surroundings. The sublimely comfortable silence.

Then there are those who are sitting in silence out of awkward awareness of how they have a lot less to say than they thought. The silence is magnified by the excited chatter of others around them. A quick meal and quick exit marks the uncomfortable aura around them.

You see those who are brimming with joy; exuberant laughter and excited story telling fills the air as their happiness is infectious. I smile with them as I revel in seeing people utterly caught up in the moment. Heads tipped back in laughter; touching of arms and gentle hitting as one mocks another in good humour.

The you see those whose meal is tainted by anger and frustration. Maybe the meal was meant to be a peace sign - a treaty even. But the arguments continue. Angry words in hushed tones so no-one notices. The rigid bodies and negativity reveals too much though. Showing a couple with forgiveness needed and issues to resolve.

This is what I love; the diversity of life in one small restaurant. In one small community. Ultimately, in one small country. We are all part of a rich tapestry of life and death. Love and hate. Laughter and tears. Joy and sadness. We are not an island. We are not centre of the universe. We are all on a strange, difficult and beautiful journey.

A journey of opposites. A journey of contradictions. A journey of confusion. A journey of peace. A journey of love.

Entwined

Stay with me a while and hold me near.
Listen as our hearts dance in unison,
Driving out the sadness and utter fear.
Our souls intrinsically entwined as one.

Don't walk into the night, wandering the darkness,
Drifting through the streets, a soul lost,
But wrap your arms around me and feel my breath,
As I kiss your neck and am transfixed by your touch.

Turn away from the door and turn your eyes to me,
Look deep into my eyes and be enchanted,
Because it is there where true love you'll see.
And the passionate fire blazes into your gaze.

Tremble at the touch of my hand my lover,
For these hands are for you alone.
I will marvel at your beauty forever,
And with you it seems the sun never goes down.

Who Are You?

When you're in the middle of a particularly dark moment of your mental illness you fail to understand how it's affecting the people around you.

For me, I thought I was 'me', and behaving as I always did. In fact, I was putting so much strain on the people who love me and making their lives difficult and strained. Chatting with my best friend Flo tonight, she was saying how lovely it was to have the real Tom back. She has been finding it so tough dealing with me and was getting freaked out by me. I was intense and extreme and obviously trying to find ways to push the limits in every way possible. I was drinking heavily and was so intense it was tough to be around me.

Now I am so much more stable and balanced. She was so happy tonight because I am at peace with myself and positive and, well, someone who is accessible and not a bit of a loony. In all seriousness, I am in a place of stability; I am looking at the light shining into my life and soaking it up and feeling energised by the power it is bringing.

I was in a place of self-destruct. I was in a place of extremes. I was ready to go down in flames.

Now. Now I see my life in the beautiful array of colours it has to offer. Now I see how much hope and love and joy and peace life has to offer. Now I understand the wonder of simply 'being'.

I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to race for. I will embrace my life and the possibilites it has to offer.

Come with me. Share the journey.

Share the journey in disbelief that you are not worth a damn. Share the journey in the belief you are spectacular and made to be loved and embraced as the beautiful person you are.

Peace. x

You are Wonderful

Don't ever believe you're not worth the love you bring. You are so worth it. You are wonderful in the love you share. You are a beautiful person who gives so much love and care. Don't believe the lies that you are not a good person. You are special and unique and true. You. Are. Amazing.

Remember how much you dream of making someone feel special and loved and cared for. You are truly special.

Peace. x

Another Day, Another Dawn

The past few days have been strange. They have been rather liberating. They have confirmed in me that I am on a journey to belief in myself. Mine and Abi's divorce is official. She is no longer my wife in the official sense. I am no longer her husband. It's bitter sweet. Bitter because we could never make it work as a married couple. We fought for it and we battled to stay together. We communicated, we cried together, we swam against the crippling current to remain married.

Ultimately though we both knew it wasn't meant to be. We were never destined to stay married. I believe we were destined to married for the time we were. But it seems we were never meant to stay together forever. We married in a difficult time. I pulled Abi out of a tough time and helped her find her identity and belief in herself. I helped her understand she is wonderfully made, with amazing talent and such a big heart.

She helped me understand how precious I am. She cared for me and comforted me in my despair as I came to terms with knowing I have depression. She never judged me and always carried me when I felt too weak. She was a wonderful wife. And I am proud to have been married to this amazing woman and I wish for her (and her future baby) a life of love and joy.

I feel excited for her future and excited for mine also. The divorce marks the end of a chapter, but the beginning of a new story with tantalising possibilities.

I moved back to my folks today. I've gone to place of comfort and security. I'm near my family and dear, dear friends. It's like I can assess my life and really reach for the stars. I have hope and expectation and excitement about the future, because I know my gifts and talents are unique. I know I am ready to love and be loved. I am able to see life with another in all its splendour. I see the potential for something fantastic with someone in particular. Who knows? Ultimately though, I am liking Thomas.

It's another day tomorrow, with another dawn and as the sun rises and streams its light across the globe, I want to absorb that energy and blast it into every corner of my life.

What's Your Story?

What's your story?

Is your story one told by others? Is your journey one dictated by the words and actions of another? Is your life lived through the lens which is not your own? Are you like a puppet on a string, unable to dance to your own tune; unable to walk the path you want to walk?

It's time to tell a different story. It's time to open the pages of your own book and write the poetical verses of what make you the person you are.

I have lived too long believing the wrong things. Seeing my reflection in a cracked mirror. The image of me distorted and jagged. I have hated my reflection and not believed I am worth loving or worth living at times. I have cut myself, hurt myself, berated myself. I have been obsessed with the thirst for knowledge. Somehow, the more I know will unlock the bolted door to self love and self worth. I have been in a race with myself as if my time is running out and I'll end up a failure and a disappointment.

But wait. This is not my story. This is not who I am. I am a person of great potential. I already have a wonderful story to tell. My life has physical and emotional scars. These scars tell a story though. As story of fighting for what I am truly worth. A story of perseverance and persistence.

My story is one of hope and expectation; of what dreams may come; of the fire in my eyes and the "smile which lifts people's hearts and lights up a room." My imagination and my dreams tell me I am someone who is worth loving and worth fighting for. My Life's Pages are being written with the dare to dream and seek a life of utter joy and serenity.

What's your story?

Let it be one of hope. Let it be written by you. Cut the strings - do not be another's puppet. Be who you were created to be. Wonderful. Unique. Beautiful. Bold. Loved. Loving. Cared for. Caring.

May the shards of the mirror restore into a clear reflection of you and may you love what you see.

Take Me

Take me as you find me, I am here and exposed.
You know me, and we're here in this life we chose.
Look at the way our life is madly sublime,
We're on a journey and by god we have the time

To be at peace

And in passion.

Take me as you find me, you see me in the purest light,
You understand my pain and wish to hold me through the night.
Look into my eyes and see the utter joy you bring,
And let's breathe in each other's song to sing

Of peace

And of passion.

Take me as you find me.
I will hold your near.
Never, ever fear.
I am always here.

Time to Soar

Through all the muck and grime; the pain and despair; the self-loathing and the self-pity; the darkness and mental paralysis, it can begin to feel rather hopeless. The mind is a powerful thing and can make you believe lies over truth; pessimism over optimism.

I've been learning a different story. I've been travelling a different journey recently. I see myself differently. A phoenix from the ashes. My Intruder is not having the last laugh or holding residence in my mind.

I spent a week in Devon with my amazing twin bro and his family. I breathed their hope and love. I absorbed their optimism and utter embracing of life and all it has to offer. I gained clarity about what makes me alive and passionate.

I know I can make it as a writer. I know I have a lot of love to give. I know life is shitty and throws curve balls to knock us off balance. BUT. I know that is what makes life, well, life. Someone special said how she knows something is different when you have those struggles but basically want to overcome them and see it through. It's true; you know your mentality has changed when you say "no" to hopelessness and defeat. It's feeling alive and feeling that hope about so many elements to your life. It's enchanting.

A wonderful verse in the Bible says, "and you will renew your strength and soar on wings like eagles."

It's time to soar.

Peace. x

Panthea

Nay, let us walk from fire unto fire,
From passionate pain to deadlier delight,--
I am too young to live without desire,
Too young art thou to waste this summer night
Asking those idle questions which of old
Man sought of seer and oracle, and no reply was told.

For, sweet, to feel is better than to know,
And wisdom is a childless heritage,
One pulse of passion--youth's first fiery glow,--
Are worth the hoarded proverbs of the sage:
Vex not thy soul with dead philosophy,
Have we not lips to kiss with, hearts to love and eyes to see!

From Panthea by Oscar Wilde

Colours of my World

Flashforward is a show about the entire world having a two minute glimpse into their future. Everyone has a flashforward of the same date. It's a wonderful show about free will and fate; about choices and nihilism; about philosophy and theology; about love and sacrifice.

Characters grapple with knowing what their future is. Some try to fight it, whilst others sink into hopelessness, believing the sands are running out. Time is but a cruel device, painfully ushering in their moment of misery.

What about my future?

Sometimes I'd like a flashfoward. I'm impatient and want to know if certain dreams will become reality. But most of me is glad of the unknown. A year ago I had a very different vision for the future. It was a vision built on uneven ground and unsafe foundations. It was a vision of naive and also ignorant aspirations. It was not wrapped in the integrity and dream-like qualities which usually govern my life. I am glad it never came into being.

Now?

Now I have a different vision. It is blurry and hazy, but in a beautiful way. It is like hundreds of colours of paint being poured into a tank of water.

The colours float and drift and merge. The sunlight reflects off the water and enhances the stunning spectrum. There is no clear picture; it is enchanting chaos. But begin to look closely. Look at the paint filled water as though you were a child. As if you are lying on your back looking at the sky and seeing shapes in the clouds.

As you stare at the tank you start to see different shapes and images. That's how I see my future; beautifully unclear but starting to make out various, enthralling images.

I'm in a moment of hope and expectation. My creative side is flourishing and I hope it will evolve into a full-time pursuit.

I'm also connecting with people in a new way. Someone has particularly astounded me and it's so wonderful. It's like slotting pieces together and then stepping back to slowly see the bigger picture. It's hopeful.

And in all this I am getting clarity about me. And I have the dream-like hope for my life. It's pure and full of imagination.

La Vita Nuova

La Vita Nuova. The New Life.

I hear, so often, of people saying they're doing a fresh start. A new chapter starts here. This week everything is going to change. I do it. We all have at some point, I guess. It's like tearing the pages out of a journal, forgetting the past entries and starting your journey again.

We get knocked down. We get punched in our heart. We get our safety, our security, our happiness torn from our hands. We're left naked and bruised. Bloody and confused.

No. Time for a new start, a new life, a new chapter where this situation doesn't have the last word. We want to forget.

I don't want to forget though. I don't want to tear the pages of my life from my Life's Book and throw them into the fire. I want to keep them and look back at them. Not because of self pity or a desire to sink into deep, dark melancholy. No, I look back to learn and grow. I look back to understand what it means to be Thomas, Tom, Tommy.

La Vita Nuova. A new life means understanding your old life. Your past enables you to live fully in the present and be hopeful for the future.

Life Travelled Together

Not sure where this going, I simply needed to write. It's like a craving; if I don't do it, I won't be able to rest.

I'm currently visiting my twin brother and his family in Devon. It's lovely to get away and be in a house of welcome, warmth and love. I feel at complete ease and part of everything. Not a guest. Part of the family. It's Father's Day and I was given a card and chocolate.

I love watching this beautiful family interact. They love each other so much and have intense amounts of respect for one another. And they deal with their problems together, as a family. There's no secrecy and sense of having to handle it on my own. Island mentality doesn't exist. We're in this together.

So often we view our lives as little worlds, which we have to navigate solely through the tempestuous sea of life. Joe says to me how he hates the British Gas adverts because we're not meant to be isolated from each other. Life should be shared as a community. I always hear people say how the only person you can trust is yourself.

I profoundly disagree with this cynical view because I want to trust in others. I want to share my life. I want others to carry me when I find it too hard to walk; I want others to cry for me when I feel too numb; I want others to laugh for me when sadness envelops me.

Look at what we share collectively and how much more enriching it is. Concerts are much more ecstatic in a large crowd, comedians funnier in an audience. Food bursts with more flavour when in the company of others. When I cook a meal for myself and eat it own my own, I see it as nice tasting food. When I eat a meal with beautiful friends and family, the flavours cascade. All my senses become more enriched. The wine tastes better; the food has more flavour; the tiny sounds of cutlery rattling plates, glasses clinking together; it is all magnified.

We are not meant to travel this strange path of life alone. it is too intriguing; it is too interesting; it is too enchanting.

Moving On

The physical act of moving is having a very real effect on my state of mind. It's like the physical portrayal of how I am wanting to progress in my mind. Moving to a place of safety, stability and serenity.

The man who is wandering through the night with a bag on his back. He's walking along the side of the road. Aware of the passing glare of headlights as people are also journeying to their own places of comfort. The stars are out and reminding him of the thousands of years which have gone before him. He looks at the stars and sees the past and it humbles him; it humbles him to realise his life is but a blip, a micro-moment in the spectacle of this universe's history. His echoing footsteps, the dull, red glow of his cigarette, the scratching of material as his bag rubs against his jacket - they are all wonderful details in an infinite world. And therefore he knows his journey is not one to use in self pity, self importance or melancholy. His journey is part of a hugely complex system of souls and stars. His journey will drift away in the dust, just as so many others who have walked this road.

Therefore, as his feet echo and scratch along the road, he delights in the sound and delights in the fortune to be able to walk this journey. Delight in how he is able to take these steps. Delight in how his journey is a journey to safety, love and warmth. And when he sees the light in the distance. The warm glow of welcome. He smiles.

I know I have so much still to achieve. So much still I want to aspire to. But being able to do those little things (such as moving house to somewhere less lonely) reminds me each step, each foot traveled, is part of a larger, more wonderful path yet to be taken. And it's a path I want to be on.

My Darling

"Darling, I miss you so much. In fact, much too much for my own good. I never realised that you were such an intimate part of my life. My life without you is like a year without a spring time which comes to give illumination and heat to the atmosphere saturated by the dark, cold breeze of winter." Martin Luther King Jr to his wife Coretta.

King writes in his autobiography that within moments of meeting Coretta, he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She had enchanted him. King was a real romantic who was utterly transfixed by the woman he loved.

He wasn't simply a procrastinating dreamer though. This man's legacy still rumbles through history. He fought for justice; he fought for peace; he fought for liberty; he fought for love; he fought for grace; he fought for the freedom of all humanity. The election of Obama ushered in an appreciation of King's dream. A dream which has become reality. He had a dream of utter beauty and battled against forces of hate and oppression to see it bloom into reality.

I look at this daunting figure of a man and am so comforted that throughout his immense rhetoric and oratory brilliance, he was also wonderfully romantic. He believed in love.

I will never be swayed from loving another like nothing else matters. Loving another like each breath depends upon it. Loving another like our hearts are beating in time.

I am inspired because if a legend like King is moved by the fragility of love, we all can be.

'A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.' Oscar Wilde

Seeing Red (A Novel)

I've sent off sample chapters of the novel I'm writing to an agent. Go here to read the first chapter. Here are the next three. I'm interspersing each chapter with the view of Red's (the protagonist) Intruder.

Let me know what you think.

One:

Don’t believe everything he says. I’m not all bad. He doesn’t like it because I reveal the truth. The truth he hates to hear. The truth which confronts him where he has failed. I try to help him see the reality. He dreams a lot you know. He pretends he is more than he really is. Why delude yourself? Why live in a world of fantasy? It’s not helpful. It’s rather pathetic. Yes, I may sound harsh, but we have to wake up one of these days. It’s not my fault he channels his disappointments into hurting himself. it’s simply attention seeking. He doesn’t need to do it. He knows people will pity him and say, “Poor old Red.” Give me a break. He knows the score. He knows if he accepted the cards he has been dealt, it will make his life much more bearable. I’m like a parent, waking him up to the realities of this cynical world. It’s for his own good. I don’t delight in it. I just know if I don’t tell him, then no-one else will. His “friends” feed his ego and give him false hope. That’s cruel. Why try to make him aim for something that will never happen? He can’t do so much of what he believes in. It’s sad to be so blinkered by delusions of grandeur. It’s time to grow up. Life isn’t a Disney movie. There is no happily ever after. Look at the world around us. Look at the broken marriages. Look at the pain and despair. Why place yourself in situations you know will only hurt you? It is odd. I’m here to change that. I didn’t force my way in. I was invited. He calls me The Intruder. Intruders are not welcome. He welcomed me. He asked me in. He had to. I’m like a vampire. I can only cross the threshold once I have been asked to enter. I have many other places I could be. He’s a particularly interesting project though. He really is. I find his ideologies rather endearing. He actually believes in true love and finding that person meant for you. I think he forgets about the practicalities of life. Bills to pay. Work to do. Food to put on the table. They don’t go away. Life doesn’t stop for the romantic idealism of rose tinted relationships. Well, it won’t for him. He’s too needy and perfection seeking. It’s okay, I’m here to help.


Kettle:

I’m standing here, staring at the kettle. I want to make a cup of tea. All I need to do is flick a switch. Shit, is that all I need to do? I can’t; it’s like invisible vines have pushed their way through the floor and entangled me. I’m rooted to the spot. I can’t move and I’m paralysed.

Ever had one of those dreams where you’re being chased by a murky figure? You start to run; you need to get away. No matter how much you will yourself to run like the wind, you can’t. As you try to run it’s like you’re trying to run through water. Your movements are slow and clumsy. Each movement of your legs are painfully unresponsive. You pump your arms harder to make your legs surge into actions. Nothing. Your mind is screaming for you to flee, because you know you can run. You know you are quick. You were speedy at school and you still are. But it’s no use. The murky figure advances. He is relentless. You feel his presence. His breath on your neck. His evil creeping under your skin. You daren’t look back because you know what you’ll see. Black eyes and an ugly grimace, which should be a smile. Those rotten teeth and that putrid breath.

And then you wake up, sweating and shaking.

Well, I’m standing here wanting a comforting cup of tea. I have work in an hour and my day won’t be right if I don’t have my morning cuppa.

My mind is screaming for me to simply flick the switch on. The momentum should then propel me into opening the cupboard, getting a cup, putting the tea bag in and pouring in the boiling water. Pouring that water seems a distant goal. An Everest to climb. Goodness, it sounds rather melodramatic doesn’t it?

I tell myself this. Stop being an idiot. Make yourself a fucking drink. I can’t move though. It’s like my dream. But I can’t wake up. This is my reality. So I scream. I scream at the kettle. I scream at myself. I am a failure. I cannot even do the simplest of tasks. I stop screaming, breathing heavy. Eyes moist form the the emotion. I turn away from the kettle and leave the kitchen. You have a problem and need to confront it. Not now though. Now I have to go to work and be a person of relaxed accessibility. I have to be a person who welcomes all and is wonderfully gregarious.

I look in the mirror and loathe the man I see. I breathe. I smile.

The Great Pretender.

Time to wear the mask and face my audience.

It’s a professional switch. Off and on. Dark and then light. I’ll get to work and entertain the staff with some new jokes. I’ll flirt with the girls and make up some story of antics I got up to the night before. Make them believe I’m the life and soul. They’ll playfully roll their eyes at my hedonism. They’ll call me arrogant. It’s all a game. They love my stories and my relentlessness.

I sometimes believe what I’m saying because, after all, what is reality? What is a dream? Surely my inability to make a cup of tea was a dream? The guy called Red, who is able to flirt and talk his way into any bed is the reality.

The Great Pretender.

Oscar winning performance.

That is what I’ll give to others this morning. I’ll be extra special; Super Red, if you will. Time to put that mask on, walk out the door and leave the darkness behind. It’ll still be there and wrap its tentacles around me when I return home.

Two:

It’s sad really. Have you been taking it in? He’s quite cute really. Making himself into something he isn’t. And believing it too. If only he knew. God, if he knew what people said behind his back. Those ‘girls’ who adore him. I’m not privy to their conversations, but I am observant. I see the twitches in their smiles. I see their eyes not matching their over enthusiastic grins. He knows it too. He secretly knows it at least. He knows they understand he’s a failure. He’s 30 and still trying to live like a 21 year old. They entertain him. They pity him. It’s no harm in their eyes. They might as well encourage him. Who needs to take Red seriously? He’s harmless fun. If they actually took him seriously, they’d want to settle down with him. They’d want to make a life with him. But it’s Red. Who’d seriously want to settle down with him? He’s too erratic. Too intense. He needs to face up to reality. He needs to see life as we all know it. That’s what I’m here for. I’ll help him see the truth. I’ll help him see life without the rose tinted nonsense. That’s why I was invited. Get him back in line. Get him balanced. Great Pretender? It’s not healthy. It’s okay. I’m here now.

Smashing the Glass

It's good when the glass is smashed sometimes. It's good when you see it as it really is. I delude myself often. I see things not as they are but how I would like them to appear. I place my dreams into the reality and somehow think if I wish it enough, it will be reality.

There's no place like home.

But when I've stopped clicking my heels and the red shoes produce no magical power, I have to wake up.

People lie. People let you down. People say things they think you want to hear. I know because I've done it. It's okay though. It's okay because we can all get caught up in the moment. We can all believe what we're saying because the reality is rather unappealing and painful. But, we have to maintain integrity don't we? We have to allow our rose-tinted view to slide and welcome the light and darkness to come through.

Without the darkness, how would we comprehend the light? Without the pain we would not feel the embrace of joy. Without the bullshit we would not be able to identify the truth.

Oscar Wilde writes to truly know a man then give him a mask. In his irony he's right on both sides. We can put a mask on at times in order to give a person a picture of what we want to be; an ideal. A projection of how we'd like others to see us. In a sense the mask is reflecting a future self maybe. A future ideal.

Take away the mask and see the raw brutality of me.

Give me the rawness.

I've had rose-tinted views of others and been very hurt as a consequence. Seeing them in reality would have prepared me for the pain. There would have been no pretense. But their glass has been smashed and I see them in reality and it's liberating.

Blue Valentine

Bitter sweet, beautiful, painful, enchanting, saddening, inspiring, uplifting, heartbreaking.

A film which evokes so many reactions is truly brilliant. I couldn't help relating to so much of it. A film which flits between past and present is not easy viewing. You feel so much joy for the young couple as they fall in love and enjoy the quirky moments and silliness.

You feel so much sadness for this same couple as they are unable to sustain a relationship with so many broken pieces and so many shattered dreams.

Blue Valentine is unflinching in the reality of how love can sometimes fail. Sometimes it simply doesn't work. Sometimes all the dreaming and hope can't hide the fact that it just won't work.

I have been having a really refreshing few days where I have been able to see a little more objectively about my life, my hopes and my dreams. What's important to me and what can wait for now. I need safety and security right now. I have been obsessing over my 'success' as I'm about to turn 30. I'm realising the success will be a place of peace and love for Thomas.

What I want to do is love someone and care for them and have the TIME to be with them and grow with them. A full on career where I'm working tons of hours will not bring me peace, but simply more loneliness. My emotional life is what matters, not my professional life. As I give my mind more room, I know I will come to a place where I know what job I should be doing. I can wait for that.

Watching a film where you see a relationship disintegrate and a couple losing the energy to fight on confirmed what I do find important. Nurturing another and seeing the joy on their face - that's what makes life special.

Sharing the Journey

I spoke at West Mersea Free Church last night. I was invited to share my story about my journey to disbelief. About how I have moved from being a Christian to an atheist. It was strange because almost seven years ago to the day I was baptised in that church. Now I was coming back to talk about what it means to believe there is no god.

It was a really positive night. Good humoured and full of grace and love. I'm not an atheist who hates religion. I love religion and its legacy. There is so much beauty and mysticism surrounding Christianity, we would be arrogant to dismiss it. I appreciate it, but cannot be a part of it.

I'm an atheist who believes in love and its stunning power. I'm an atheist who believes in the beauty of humanity. I'm an atheist who believes in the diversity of belief.

I really enjoyed the evening because not only did I get to share my story, I also heard other people's stories. Their struggles, their pain, their questions, their joy, their love. We all grapple with what it means to be us. We have questions and we have confusion. We also have those who love us and walk the journey with us.

I don't believe god is walking the journey with me, but I am so thankful to all those wonderful people who are. Those who hold my hand, hold me close and let me know this journey isn't one of solitude. Beautiful.

Trudging Through the Slime

We celebrated my parents 40th wedding anniversary on Monday. Lots of people there. We had the party at our local vineyard. It was ironic for me, as this was where I got married. Bitter sweet. A marriage failed; a marriage which has withstood the battering and blasting life gives.

I felt uplifted and proud to be part of a family which shows you can make a relationship work. Joe (my twin bro) blessed my older brother's three children and blessed my mum and dad. It was beautiful to see a son (who is now a reverend) bless his parents in the sight of God, regardless of what you believe. He spoke to us all (the 100 or so) about life being a journey and how that creates us and makes us into the people we are. We should embrace it.

I've had a rough week. I harmed myself again. I saw my journey as one of despair and self-loathing. I wanted more of literal etching on my skin.

But.

I see how my folks have endured absolute shit to be at a place of being able to celebrate their marriage. I see how they are friends. How many of us will have a friend after over 40 years? I am 30 next month and still trying to befriend myself.

We journey in and out of darkness. Grasping for the specks of light which tease us as they glimmer in our sight. We see where we desire to travel and rest our heads and say this is home. We trudge through the inky slime which slows our feet and muddles our brain. But we keep walking, we keep striving, knowing we can get to the shore and put our dirty, heavy feet on something cleansing and free.

I see my parents and how they have dragged each other through the depths of hell and turned their backs on the hellish.

I will keep trudging through the sludge. I will trip up and I will find my head underwater. But I have the fight and the will to lift my head above water, breathe in the air and find the shore to rest my head and laugh at the joy of the pure air I breathe.

This Place, This Time

Let me sweep you up, my love, and fill you with joy.
Don't hide your face because there's no need to be coy.
We have this moment, this place, this time.
I know I am yours and you are forever mine.

Let's sit and talk and watch the world float by,
We can ignore the stresses and need to 'try.'
We have this moment, this place, this time,
I know I am yours and you are forever mine.

Let's laugh at the silly things only we understand,
I'll kiss your neck and absently caress your hand.
We have this moment, this place, this time,
I know I am yours and you are forever mine.

We share this moment. We share this time.
I gaze into your eyes and know it's fine.
We share this moment. We share this time.
I am always yours. Promise to be mine.

The First Chapter

I'm writing a book. This is the first chapter. Let me know what you think. Peace. x

It’s a weird sensation when you cut yourself. You know it’s a silly thing to do. You know people would freak out if they saw you doing it. The thing is, it feels so right. It physically manifests so much of what you emotionally cannot connect with. My brain is emotionally bleeding. I’m broken and bruised. I am worn down and weary. I am shattered like a mirror on the floor. I see myself as fractured and incoherent. Only able to catch a glimpse of myself in all the pieces. The darkness seeps in like ink in water. It slowly clouds over, taking away all the light.

My Intruder laughs at my despair.

So when I am cutting myself I can see the result of the mental anguish I feel. I deserve this pain. I deserve the scars and the blood to leave my body. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your sympathy. I do this because I wish myself harm. I don’t wish for attention. If I did then I would call someone, I would announce on Facebook what I was doing. No, you won’t know I’m doing it. I will wear long sleeves and when will you see the cuts on my stomach? If you do see the marks, I can make excuses. I have a cat, he scratched me. Simple.

What, you think the darkness is just ‘in my mind’? Fuck you. Let me give you my Intruder for a day and then we’ll see how cynical you are. Let me give my Intruder the keys to your mind and we’ll see how long it takes before you want to wipe your life from this place we call Earth. My Intruder is a nasty beast. He delights in my despair. Televangelists would love to try and exorcise me.

The Intruder.

He points out the obviously true, but manages to put a little twist on it. Very subtle and very effective. The Intruder would be a brilliant spin doctor. I am small framed and thin. The Intruder would say, “Skinny.” He would also point out my past nickname of “Mowgli.” Subtle but effective you see. Suddenly I’m not simply thin, I am a skinny caricature who looks like that kid from The Jungle Book. Now my self-esteem is plummeting faster than a shooting star.

He reminds me each day of my failures. The jobs I didn’t get. The girls who rejected me. The friendships that failed. The loneliness it feels to be me. The life I wish for but never seem to achieve.

The Intruder.

Hi, my name’s Red and welcome to my seemingly eternal battle with The Intruder. He will tell you things, but please don’t believe him. He lies about lies. Yes he tells the truth too, but it’s a version of the truth. He’ll turn you against me, but please come back to me.

Walk this journey with me.

I Want to...

I want to take your pain away. I want to wrap it up, place it in a box and send it to the depths of the ocean. I want to see you smile, not cry. I want that face to beam with joy and your eyes sparkle. I want to be able to stitch your heart back together. I know it will mend one day. I wish I could mend it for you today.

I cannot do these things though, but I will still be here. I will stand here beside you if you need me. I will be a source of strength when you are weak. You are not alone.

Collided Future

We can predict our days and weeks and months, but we should not be so arrogant. I had a good idea about how my week was going to go and then it all got flipped upside down, shaken around, wiggled and shaken again. So actually, I am now left feeling rather dazed and confused.

Am I prepared for the future? No. I am too involved in my own romantic fantasy. The reality hits me and it hurts bad. I want to hurt myself because I am so fucking ignorant to the realities of real life. I want something which only exists in the small frame of my mind. Honestly, who actually believes in the sweeping power of love? Who actually believes in the passing power of enchantment taking hold of you and grasping you and making your life something incredible?

I have seen my life today and realised I am living in a fantasy world. I saw something which could have been and, wowzers, it will never be. Ever. Ever.

I will not be defined by my disappointments. No.

Former Friendships. Current Resentments.

I saw a former friend earlier. We fell out last November. We passed each other at the shop; we didn't acknowledge each other. He hurt me last year. Physically and emotionally. When I saw him the emotions which came forth were pretty raw still. I actually felt resentment and disgust. Very strong emotions. I wanted to see him and feel indifference. A sense of being completely unfazed by his presence and no need to even spend time thinking about it.

In fact, I experienced severely negative thoughts where I didn't wish him well at all. I actually wished rather bad stuff upon his head. Not good and not helpful. Our lives no longer collide and there would be no reason why they would anymore. But, I actually found myself disgusted by his presence. Disgusted. I'm not using such a word glibly. I guess it reveals how hurt I am. He was my oldest friend of over 25 years. A hell of a legacy to see down the pan.

I'm not blameless by any means. I made choices which caused pain. It snowballed into other people's lives. But fuck, I'm still hurting over his choices and disregard for the years of friendship we once had.

It's not nice feeling this way.