No Regrets

"What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?"
-Friedrich Nietzsche

If that quote is rather depressing to you then you probably know the answer to the question.  I wonder how many of us find regret as an uncomfortable weight on our shoulders?  

Regret can cause irrational decisions and unwise actions; regret ignites the cold, aching sense of fear in the pit of your stomach; regret whispers in your ear that there will be more regret.  I'm not sure it's possible not to have any regrets but I don't believe we need to live where we are controlled by even just one.  

I try to look at my life through the lens of hope and dreams rather than the murky window of 'what if?'  That question leads down a path to nowhere and, ironically, a mindset of caution rather than daring.  It's important to gaze upon the life you are living and breathe in all the little and big blessings.  As you do you suddenly begin to appreciate instead of moan.  As I write this I have a cat and a dog cuddled up next to me, fast asleep and cozy, a soothing folk album is playing in the background, a gently steaming mug of tea is by me, a new Stephen King novel is ready on my Kindle and I have a fiancé soon to be on her way home from work.  A lovely combination.

I could focus on a list of things worrying me or issues that have made me mad recently but, if that Nietzsche demon were to visit me I would not want to re-live my life consumed by resentment and worry but rather optimism and love.  None of us have a perfect existence but, if you're reading this on a computer/phone in a warm building, then you have a pretty good foundation for a fairly decent existence and therefore a choice of hope over nihilism, love over hate, productiveness over procrastination and grace over selfishness.  

Peace.  x 

The Intruder is Knocking

Damn it.  I feel the Intruder scraping at the door.  I hear his nails scratching and reminding me that he hasn't gone away and he's still there.  He's like a niggling ache.  He's like an ulcer under your tongue that you can't help prodding.  He's a bad feeling that won't go away.

I'm nowhere near the depths of darkness I was at over a year ago and I'm thankful for that.  I'm thankful for the mental strength I have now and the awareness of little triggers that I can confront and push back.  Nonetheless, he's prowling like a caged beast, looking for a weakness so he can pounce and I hate it.

Depression is a constant and unrelenting battle that needs strength and deep emotional awareness.  It's a weird paradox, because being depressed means you are acutely intelligent about your emotions and are highly intuitive about what it means to 'feel.'  It is not a self-serving component of self-pity.  It is a brutal reminder of how easily I can sink into scary depths of despair and before I know it I am despising myself and inflicting mental and physical pain on myself.

Each day I must step back and remind myself of the wonderful truths my life has.  I am loved.  I love.  I am loved. I love.  I am loved.  I love.

I am loved.  I love.

It is not repetitive; it is restorative.

The Intruder may want to cause havoc on my life, but I will not allow it because joy and peace are my goals.

Peace.  x