Then and Now

I'm coming to the end of my time in therapy. It's liberating and comforting. Two sure signs I'm making the right decision to come away from it. A few months ago I would have been terrified of stopping therapy; it was a lifeline, a source of breath, comfort, guidance and stability. I feel at ease now to stop it. I know I am stronger. I know I am far more at peace. I know I like myself now.

That's the difference. In my time in therapy I have seen myself evolve and tear through the cocoon suffocating me and squeezing the life from my chest. At times I have managed to punch through the wall and start to suck in the life giving qualities of self-love, peace and stability. Then there have been those times where the cocoon's wall regenerated, pushing me back inside and covering my world in darkness again. Self-love to self-loathing; peace to unrest; stability to anarchy.

Now it's different. Now is the time.

I am happy. I am not manic; I am happy. I do not grapple with thoughts of self-harm; I am not seeking ways to self-destruct. I used to use others as an excuse to tumble down the hill of destruction. Use them as a scapegoat for my own desire to spiral into a world of madness. Not anymore.

The past week I have spent time with someone who is becoming very special to me; time with her confirmed my desire to seek peace and wholeness. Time with her and my friends recently has been affirming my desire to be a better man, a happy man, a man who uses his life to the potential it can get to.

I will never dismiss my illness. I will allow myself to live though and not let my illness live through me.