Sunday 22 May 2011

Former Friendships. Current Resentments.

I saw a former friend earlier. We fell out last November. We passed each other at the shop; we didn't acknowledge each other. He hurt me last year. Physically and emotionally. When I saw him the emotions which came forth were pretty raw still. I actually felt resentment and disgust. Very strong emotions. I wanted to see him and feel indifference. A sense of being completely unfazed by his presence and no need to even spend time thinking about it.

In fact, I experienced severely negative thoughts where I didn't wish him well at all. I actually wished rather bad stuff upon his head. Not good and not helpful. Our lives no longer collide and there would be no reason why they would anymore. But, I actually found myself disgusted by his presence. Disgusted. I'm not using such a word glibly. I guess it reveals how hurt I am. He was my oldest friend of over 25 years. A hell of a legacy to see down the pan.

I'm not blameless by any means. I made choices which caused pain. It snowballed into other people's lives. But fuck, I'm still hurting over his choices and disregard for the years of friendship we once had.

It's not nice feeling this way.
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2 comments:

  1. Sia Jane22 May 2011 at 23:01

    I have long standing friendships of similar length.
    I have a group of friends who have known me since I was 3.
    They may as well be family.
    I have been hurt by them, and it is...
    I have also had friends who I trusted more than anything, and the pain they have left me with, somedays, still bites.
    I think there are two choices with the experience of seeing this person.
    To allow it to eat you up, or to use the raw painful emotion in another way.
    I am not saying it is easy, I just want you to know I am here if you need to talk xxxx

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  2. Tom Haward22 May 2011 at 23:18

    Thank you. xx I'm mulling the situation over. You may well get a phone call tomorrow...

    I guess I'm in deep confusion that such a long standing friendship can end in an instant. Makes me cynical about 'friendships'. Are we all rather fickle? I know we're not because of the lengths I would go for so many friends. But it scares me that things can go so sour so easily. Hmmm.... xx

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