I Want to See you Cry

I wish we were all more comfortable in each other's company; it seems we have lost the understanding of comfortable silence.  On the radio the other morning it was being discussed as to whether it was 'appropriate' to go out for dinner on Christmas Day.  There was a fairly even split between the two camps, but one response saddened me.  A woman text in to say that she and her partner would be going out to lunch on Christmas Day because they would be on their own this year and didn't want to sit in an empty house on Christmas Day.

"On their own."
I think that's a contradiction of terms as you can't be on your own if you're with someone else.  It highlighted that many people find it difficult to be with their partner and only their partner and need to be in busyness otherwise they feel rather uncomfortable.  I see many couples out to dinner and they are both staring at their smartphones throughout the entire evening and the only conversation they have is to point out an amusing post on Facebook or Twitter.

The best nights Carmen and I have are when we sit on the sofa, put some music on in the background, open some wine and then chat for hours about anything and everything.  Sometimes we'll have a few nights of watching TV and both say in unison that the television is off-limits because we almost feel slightly less human after having spent hours staring at the electronic box in the corner.  We sit and chat for hours and it feels like we're been starved of oxygen and suddenly been able to take great big gulps; it is bloody liberating.

Our phones are definitely banned during dinner.

Why have we become so uncomfortable with human interaction that the only way we can find humour, sentimentality or romance is through technology?  It's fucking depressing.

Remember how good it feels when having a conversation and you laugh so hard your stomach hurts?  It's a fantastic feeling.  Don't get duped by the corporate machine so that you become a robot.  I'm by no means anti-technology, but do believe that we're being fooled into thinking it's the only way to interact with others.

Let us be human beings.  Let us be emotional.  Let us be real.  I'd rather see someone laugh than 'lol', I'd rather wipe away tears than see :(

Peace.  x

Never Stop Creating

We are blessed with creativity that corporate and political systems try to dampen because it doesn't fit with their conformist ideology.  Don't be silenced; be creative revolutionaries.  

The Preciousness of Life

I badly burnt my arm the other day and need a skin graft.  It's incredible how a brief lapse in concentration can suddenly change things rather dramatically.  I'm yet to find out how long the surgery will put me out of work, but it's going to be frustrating especially as it's my left arm and that's the arm I use the most...

I've spent far too long finding the reflection I see each day as worthless and meaningless and then I have an accident and it made me realise how much I treasure the life I have and the lifestyle I have created.  I work hard but Carmen and I also save hard and try to spend quality time with each other and those we love.  When you have an accident it can drastically change the things you do and take for granted.  Having a skin graft means little things I do without thinking will be impacted; picking up an object, writing and typing, driving, et cetera.

Life is precious and there is so much we can do if we take the chances.  For some reason we can put off following our dreams and aspirations until it's too late or a major event occurs.  We play it safe and tow the line of conforming to the life of 'sheeple'.

I've 'only' injured my arm and it doesn't mean I'm going to sell everything and live in the wilderness, but if something fairly inconsequential can have an impact on basic living, then I shouldn't take this life for granted.

Life is precious; care for it, nurture it and make it the fantastic thing it can be.

Peace.  x

The Blizzard

Being mentally ill isn't a solo show that affects you in a strange vacuum.  We are not islands that float through life without impacting others.  With every action there is a reaction and when we do something it will have an effect on something or someone.

When I cut myself to hurt myself and see myself bleed, it isn't just me that I'm damaging; I damage those I love too.  To stand and look at someone you love bleeding because of self-inflicted wounds is like having been cut yourself.  Although there are no physical wounds, there are mental wounds.

I abhor that I hurt those I love; it makes me sick.

Unfortunately, sometimes I do not think far enough ahead about what my actions may mean to others and how it will disturb and upset them.  Depression can be like walking through a blizzard; each step is perilous and you are blinded by the immediate.  Seeing beyond a few feet is almost impossible and you fail to register anything beyond yourself and battling the storm.  Sometimes the storm passes and you wonder how you managed to get through it unscathed, but sometimes you are punished by the storm and get out the other side battered and bleeding.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who will soothe me mentally and physically after the storm, but I should always be aware that she walks the storm with me and comes out the other side battered too.  If I fail to remember her sacrifice then all I become is self-indulgent and selfish.

Peace. x

Scream

It's like having something scratch at your brain constantly and slowly; the irritation becomes more and more as the hours, days and weeks go by.  The inky darkness slowly envelops your mind, pushing out light and suffocates you.

"How are you?"
"I'm fine," you say whilst your mind is screaming.

It's hard to explain to others how it feels to be consumed by depression.  Most people have 'off days' where things haven't gone right and makes you feel low and annoyed.  It's hard to comprehend though the feeling of everything being out of kilter.  It's the realisation that you aren't in the room and you're slightly floating above your body.  There are many times when I completely zone out and don't hear or see anything going on around me; when I 'come back' it scares me that I was able to go completely blank.

The horrible sensation of being cloaked in darkness is a constant fear and it robs me of liberty.  When I feel good and on the path of healing I worry about when I will next go downhill and self-harm.  It's a vicious circle because when I'm good I worry about when I'm not and when I'm bad and harm myself I then sink deeper into despair for harming myself.

I find I am talking to someone and all I want to do is scream, go home, close the curtains and hide.

I am blessed to have a partner who comforts, consoles and cares for me.  She gently helps me to heal, does not judge and unconditionally loves me.  That is what keeps me going and reminds me that my life is one to be cherished.

Love of Integrity

The constant rain is 'pit-patting' outside the window and it reminds me, my lover, of the ceaseless, life giving love you have for me.  Just as plants yearn for the rain to quench their thirst and they almost stretch out to take in the refreshing moisture, as do I stretch out for your love.  

It's wonderful to know you are in love.  We can deceive ourselves time after time and think we are in love when, in fact, we are simply desperate to be in love and cling on to anyone we can find.  Infatuation, lust, obsession and desire cloud our minds and real love is left languishing.  

Real love is a foundation to build on; real love weathers the storm and stands firm in adversity; real love says no to whimsy but yes to integrity.  So often we walk away because it doesn't fit with the way we think it should be or our selfish preconceptions demand it should be; real love understands sacrifice and that life isn't controlled by an invisible script writer.  The right words don't always come; grandiose acts of love and affection don't always happen; happily ever after takes more than 90 minutes to achieve.  

I may not be the perfect man, I may not always say the right thing, sometimes I will say hurtful things, sometimes I will not be the man I should be, but I will always be the man who loves you.  

Our love has been built on truth, integrity, passion and perseverance.  In you I have found one who knows what struggle is and has a great depth of character.  In you I see a woman whose eyes understand pain, but also understands joy.  In you I see a woman who will passionately fight for what is right and will vehemently fight against what is wrong. 

 In you I have found me.

 

Western War of Terror

"We must deter the Syrian Government from committing such acts again."

Ahmed clutched at his stomach to stop his insides falling out.  Blood soaked his little hands and he cried for his mum to help him, to comfort him.  Being 12 and having his intestines seeping through his fingers was not the way Ahmed saw his day going.  It was going to be a day of playing football and pretending to be Van Persie from Manchester United; it was going to be a day of wearing his new football shirt and trying to be innocent for a day.  The gunfire and mortar sounds had become almost natural background noise; today was going to be a day of being a child, not a scared refugee.

But then he saw the white flash of light and now he was dying with his guts all over the floor.

"Punitive military strikes will target terrorist headquarters."

Asima whispered softly in the ear of her husband, "I love you, it's going to be okay."  She was a nurse so knew how to comfort and console, love and care.  Long ago she had lost sight of who was to blame.  All she could see was men relishing in any reason to spill another man's blood.  Even in her profession she was surprised as to how bloodthirsty men could be and how cruel they were willing to be.  A young lad who lived next door to her had quite calmly slit another man's throat and smiled as the blood splattered across his face.  At that moment she had lost hope in humanity; at that moment she felt mankind didn't deserve such a title.  And now she tried to whisper words of love to her husband, the rebel, whose arm had been blown off and lifeless body grew colder each long and painful minute.

"It is our duty as a nation to intervene."

Tamim loved Friends.  He found the American humour very funny and endearing.  He didn't love America by any stretch of the imagination, but he certainly didn't find its policies and ideology abhorrent.  He liked to watch the GOD Channel because it amused him that their version of Jesus was some kind of Holy cash machine.  His prophet was a prophet of peace and humility, not pomp and greed.  But as he watched his village burn to the ground and the smell of burning flesh filled his nostrils he felt different.  It started in his stomach and clawed its way through his body, tearing at the peace, love, grace and mercy that he usually lived and breathed.

Like a thick, black tar the hate seeped through his being and he screamed in anguish as if to release it and give it a sound, an identity.  America's long arm had reached his country and wiped out everything he held dear.

You're Not Superior

Be careful it is peeling around the edges,
Threatening to expose your strange fears.
Watch what you do with these absurd pledges,
For no-one can wear a mask for years.

Mind your step whilst you walk so aloof,
Keeping your chin high to look down your nose.
Your deluded superiority is perfect proof
That your shit should be stripped and exposed.

We were born naked, vulnerable and penniless,
Reliant on people's warmth, love and protection.
So don't behave as if you are more blessed,
Because darkness can soon move in your direction.

We are not islands floating in a sea of solitude,
But a community of species clawing through life.
We should not live with a parasitic attitude,
But seek to understand how to be truly alive.

My Dad

We're not invincible, indestructible or immovable.  Sometimes we can believe there is no fear of falling ill, getting hurt or even dying.  We know it's not true but still imagine we are like Superman and bullets will bounce off us.  For me, some of the thinking that life will keep going and going is through how I perceive my dad.  Dad is 6' 3" with hands like shovels and has worked on the water as an oysterman through high winds, freezing winters, baking summers, recessions, eras of boom and when everything has seemed hopeless.  He has always been this indestructible figure in my life; until now.

I have this vivid memory of Joe, my twin, and I challenging Dad to an arm wrestle.  We were only 10 or 11 at the time and we both wrapped our hands round one of dad's hands (hands like shovels) and said, "Three, two, one, go!" and we couldn't even move his arm.  We were slightly in awe of this strong man who was our dad.  I won't rose-tint my childhood by stating I had this close bond with my dad because I remember him working more than anything else, but I have always loved him deeply and always seen him as this slightly towering figure.

It's not simply his physical presence though because it's his intellectualism too that I have always respected.  I love to learn and I love to read and dad is the same.  Dad is a man who remembers facts and things he has read, even from years ago.  He is a very intelligent man and I have always looked up to that and I like to think my 'success' at academia has been connected to having a clever dad.

I deeply respect this man.

So it has been achingly difficult to see any sort of vulnerability in him because, well, he's dad.  Recently Joe and I went with dad to see the new Bond film as we're all Bond fans.  We had a fun night.  When we were walking back to the car park Dad tripped and fell.  Being a tall man, he fell hard.  Luckily he wasn't hurt but to see him fall like that really shook me and Joe up.  I got home and wept in Carmen's arms.  It was horrible to see dad in a vulnerable state.

So it has been hard as a family (and obviously for dad) having had to see him in hospital recently.  He was in for a few days and is having to have tests to find the root of his illness (which I won't go into here).

Suffice to say, it has struck home that dad isn't immortal and invincible and we have to accept the fact. Even writing that sentence is acutely difficult.  I need to appreciate him more and I also need to appreciate many others around me because life can be far too fleeting and regret is not something I want to have sitting on my shoulder.

Love and appreciate those around you.  Make that phone call; reply to that text; say I love you more often.

Don't let the Wolf in

Don't let the wolf in the gate.  It is hard to let the light through because we can be certain the shit stuff about ourselves is more pertinent to who we are and what we do.  It is hard to let the positives take a true hold on us instead of apathy because we would rather take a back seat and let boredom, banality, basic laziness and a belief our lives are not particularly interesting.  We may make others believe life is amazing through Facebook and Twitter with quirky updates of what we do but, let's face it, most of us sit on a sofa wishing we were doing more than sitting on a sofa.

The wolf likes to creep in though and devour the desires and dreams of our hearts and minds.  How often do you sit and think about things you wish you were doing or had done? How many hours a week do you daydream of things but believe they will never happen because such dreams are unrealistic?  The problem is we can be the wolf to others and tear apart people's dreams.  There's an insightful scene in The Office where Ricky Gervais's Brent is doing an appraisal of Dawn; she dreams of being an illustrator and Brent says that she should keep doing the "doodles" but when it all fails at least she'll have a job as a receptionist.  It's a great scene because this is so often the case; we can dampen people's dreams with our own cynicism and fears.  We can be too scared to step out and do something we have always dreamed of doing because we're afraid of failure and rejection.

But

What we end up doing is painting a false picture of our reality by making others believe our lives are full of interesting, innovative incidents.  Life isn't an episode of Friends where stuff happens all the time, but life also isn't meant to be full of nothingness.  When all you have to talk about is what to watch on television or what someone wrote on Facebook you know you are not living life to the full.  Life is for living and we should remember that we only have one shot.

Ad astra per aspera (through hardships to the stars).  Life is difficult and the thought of doing something new can feel far too strenuous but as the quote states, we can go through difficulties and reach the stars.

Remember Who You Are

Some people would love to be able wipe away their memories and forget the depressing and destructive incidents in their lives.  I sympathise with such a 'dream' because some people have been through the absolute horrific and are reminded of those horrors each time they look in the mirror, hear a certain sound or see a certain thing; it can be a relentless reminder of past pain.  

I had a dream the other day about self harming and how I was doing it again.  I woke up feeling ashamed and depressed; the knot in my stomach was twisting and turning.  I didn't want to forget what has happened in the past, even though I was ashamed of it all.  To forget past pain and moments of utter despair where I hurt myself would actually cause me to forfeit an element of my personality.  Our memories very much define who we are and shape us into the people we are today.  

That time I cried and sobbed so much I thought it wouldn't stop is part of what makes me Tom.  It is a reminder that I am deeply emotional and the tears were healing and redemptive and even though I was mentally battered and bruised I found peace through the tears; I always want to remember that.

That time I cut myself repeatedly out of utter disgust for who I am is a piece that slots into the picture of my life.  The scars remind me that I am no longer filled with self-loathing and redemption does indeed come.  Scars of hate are now scars to remind me of healing; I always want to remember that.

The time I couldn't get out of bed and needed the room to be dark because the thought of seeing the outside world was terrifying.  It is a reminder that I do leave the house now and I engage with the world.  I run a restaurant and have a wonderful social life.  I am not locked away in darkness but loved by Carmen and walk proudly down the road with her.  I always want to remember that.

You are not a victim of your past but a product of it.  Therefore ensure you do not try to run away from it but allow its lessons to shape you in the present.  

Peace. x 

Important Things in Life

We need to understand that there are some things in life to take seriously and other things we need to let go of.  Being a Western, male, middle class man I am in a very fortunate position; I have money to spend, I can vote and speak out against politicians and corrupt bankers; I can love who I wish and I have little fear of being attacked by domestic or non-domestic people or forces.  In short, I am blessed to have the life I have and be surrounded by my partner, friends and family who love me.

If I was a 31 year old man in Syria right now I would more than likely be dead or maimed and have blood on my hands that would pollute and infest my conscience.  If I was a 31 year old man in North Korea I would be bowing before a statue of their deluded dictator.  If I was a 31 year old man in the Democratic Republic of Congo I would probably have been a soldier from the age of 12 and have killed and raped dozens of people. If I was 31 year old man in Palestine I probably would have seen my family blown to pieces by an Israeli air strike.  If I was a 31 year old man in Afghanistan I would probably be cradling the dead body of my child in my arms owing to an American drone strike.

I am a 31 year old man in England where life is blessed and I must always remember to be  grateful for that freedom and safety of the community I live in.  And this is the thing, we spend too often obsessing over trivialities as if they are hugely significant when, in fact, they are not.  We can latch on to an issue or a minor problem and balloon it to epic proportions because we seem to believe it is almost a matter of life and death.

Carmen and I have neighbours who are like dogs with a bone and have made our lives quite difficult of late because of their incessant obsession;  we have received two official complaints from them regarding our dog and also been verbally accosted by them when getting home from work, which is rather intimidating.  When you mention the word ‘dog’ you think of a large, violent animal but the dog they have so much concern over is a 12 years old Cocker Spaniel.  Fearsome indeed. 

We have never had anyone be but smitten with our dog, Thistle but it seems these two older women do not find her quite so endearing.  It has become rather farcical though because we have been made to feel like we are social morons who have an out of control dog.  Thistle is about as threatening as a small breeze and would lick you to death before she ever bit you. 

Our neighbours’ rather farfetched viewpoints though signify how fortunate they are in life if an old Spaniel is all they have to worry about.   They, like many of us, forget how fortunate in life we are; how utterly blessed we are to be in the position we are in.  I don’t really need to lock my house because crime rates are so low – I do anyway but I don’t need to.  I don’t wake up each day wondering if a drone will obliterate my village; I don’t wake up each day in a shop doorway shivering, smelling and completely dejected; I don’t sell my body and give blow jobs in toilets to pay for a crack addiction. 

It doesn’t mean to say life is a breeze that I sail through – I know what it is to want to die; I know what it is to hate the man I see in the mirror and cut myself hoping the pain will release the sense of loathing I feel; I know what it is to go through heart break and anguish; I know what it is to be scared on how I am going to pay the bills coming through the door; I know what it is to feel constantly depressed and cloaked in darkness where your only comfort is the mental pain thumping at your brain. 

The darkness and despair didn’t magically disappear, it took the love and strength of those close to me, therapy and my own self will to drag my bleeding body out of the pit of hopelessness and into the light of hope.   I had to work for the happiness I now have and work for a balance – with love and empathy from others I was able to achieve it, but it also helped me to appreciate the important things and dismiss the trivial things.  The cliché is true – life is too short. 

Don’t be caught up in things that suck all your energy but have no real meaning or purpose.  Don’t obsess over stuff that really doesn’t matter.  Don’t be consumed by those banal things that we turn into a monster in our own image.  Don’t let your insecurities cause you to fall into the trap of projecting those insecurities on to others and making their life difficult. 

Life can be tough but remember the wonderful things that do fill it and hold on to those. 

Prince Charming

The excitement at first is almost too much to bear.  You experience those electrifying yet excruciating butterflies in your stomach; your girlfriends are grinning with glee that you have finally got this opportunity.  Will he like me? Will he want to see me again? Will he be as wonderful as I imagined for all this time? These thoughts pulsate through your mind and  they almost make you dizzy.

Some of your friends say he's, "aloof," and there has been rumours that he hasn't been as charming as he makes out.  You know your friends are simply jealous though because you got a date with Prince Charming and they didn't.  To you he doesn't seem aloof but simply mysterious; you imagine he's like the vampire Edward with brooding, deep thoughts and dreams.  You imagine that he will hold you and whisper that he will never let you go.  You are his Bella.  He's probably a bit broken and bruised from being hurt before so is scared to let someone in as they may hurt him beyond redemption; but you are going to be his saviour; you are going to be his dream.

There's a knock at the door and your girlfriends giggle with excitement.  They tell you not to "put out" on the first date and you roll your eyes because you know he won't be like that.  You promise to text them later with an update.  As you approach the front door you can hear your friends upstairs in your room laughing like a herd of hyenas and you shudder with nerves as you pull the door open.

He's standing there looking like an angel from above and his car is quietly purring, inviting you to get in and be taken somewhere exciting and unknown.  He doesn't say much and doesn't open the car door for you, but that's okay because he's probably nervous too. As he speeds off, your house retreating in the distance (almost calling you back) he mutters that he has to stop at a mate's house first.  You smirk a little as it means he wants you to meet his friends already.  He must like you more than you realised. 

The house smells of boys and booze.  You crinkle your nose as it reminds you of your older brother's room.  You sit on a dirty sofa after brushing off cigarette ash. A plastic cup is handed to you.  You ask what it is.  "A proper drink," is the reply from one of the mates.   You never caught his name and his eyes are bloodshot making him look vampiric in an unsettling way.  You take a sip and the liquid burns your throat.  You try not to gag as he's watching your reaction and you realise you need to appear grown up as this is the drink grown-ups drink.  He downs his and asks if you'd like another.  You want to say no but find you're muttering yes.  He reaches his hand out for your cup so you down the drink and pass the cup back to him.  He leaves the room with a cloud of blue smoke wafting round him from the dozens of cigarettes smouldering in the ashtrays. 

A mate of his is sitting next to you and says hello.  You notice his eyes are not on your face and feel momentarily relieved when your date walks back in.  He doesn't seem to care though that his mate is staring at your breasts and you catch a fleeting wink to his mate.  You have another drink to calm the growing unease.  This is not the mysterious romance you had envisioned. 

You start to feel a bit funny in your tummy and your head is spinning.  You decide to lay your head back to try and bring the world to a stationary position.  Before you pass out you feel afraid.

When you wake up you instantly feel dirty.  Your head is groggy and you ache all over.  It takes you a while to work out where you are and you don’t recognise the room.  You experience the growing dread seep through your body like a poison and you know you have been raped; you know you have been raped by more than one guy; you vomit all over the floor in utter disgust.

You hear movement in another room and freeze with fear.  Prince Charming walks into the room and spits out the words, “If you say anything to anyone about last night you’re in the shit.  We recorded you fucking three of us and I know you won’t want your slutty mates to see it.”

You don’t even have any words to respond.  This has to be a horrible nightmare; this can’t be real because this type of thing doesn’t happen in real life does it?  You want to reach inside your skull and tear out your brains so you can forget any of this even happened.  Prince Charming casually puts on his trainers and states you have to get out now but only after you clear up the disgusting mess you’ve made.  You obediently clear up the vomit like Cinderella and find yourself saying sorry.  You’re apologising to the man who raped you. You feel worthless and utterly degraded. You’re 16 and have no innocence left. You sob.

As you’re scrubbing the floor you remember the press reporting about a girl being gang raped and how they said it was her fault because she must’ve led the boys on with what she was wearing and getting drunk.  You realise people will think you’re a slut who deserved it.  You wonder if you did deserve it.  You wonder if you’ll ever feel clean again.

As you sob you mumble out for your mum. All you want is your mum to cuddle you and tell you everything will be okay because you know you’re not a slut and you know that you’re a girl who was abused and degraded and that you need comfort and someone to wipe away your tears.

Your tears carry on flowing and you wipe them away with the back of your hand.  You vow not to be abused into silence but with trembling hands you carry on scrubbing the floor.  As you stagger out of his house and he slams the door behind you; you cry out in absolute horror and a passing man catches you as you faint. 

You wake up to see the wonderful face of your mum.  You vaguely recognise the man standing next to her as the guy who caught you when you passed out.  He reassures you that everything will be okay as your mum soothingly strokes your hair.  It will be okay in the end.  You feel sick and disgusting but you refuse to be bullied into silence.  You have no words as yet and you find your voice is hidden, too afraid to utter the horrors of the night.

One day soon though you will speak up and Prince Charming will face the consequences of what he did to you.  For now though you take comfort in the love of your mum.  For now that is all you need. 

For now.

Superficial Obsession

Russell Brand said something rather insightful on an American news channel.  The news panel were commenting on his attire and one guy said he might start dressing like Brand.  Brand retorted by observing everyone is obsessed by the superficial; he said not to focus on what he was wearing but by what he was saying.  He seemed to be a little bewildered by the show he was being interviewed on and said the problem with today's climate is everyone focuses on the superficial.

Brand is a bit of an enigma as his critique of the obsession with the superficial appears to directly conflict with his rather lavish lifestyle.  He may have said it with a smattering of irony, but I do think he meant it and regardless of its apparent hypocrisy he was right.  And after all, I think Brand revels in the irony of himself.

What Brand said though was utterly true as we (society) are painfully fixated on the superficial and false perceptions of humanity.  How am I perceived?  How do I perceive others?  We all make snap judgments about others because of what they wear, eat, say and do.  Being a restaurant manager I regularly assume something about a person as soon as they walk into my place - sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong.  The superficial dictates my assumptions about others though.  Judge not lest ye be judged.

The problem though, is we feed this superficiality and craving to be seen.  What disappointment we feel when people fail to 'like' a photo we upload of ourselves; a photo we were sure was going to get us a mini bit of attention for a few hours.  Don't get me wrong, most of us, most of the time want to share our lives with others because we're proud of the things we see and do.  Sometimes though, we feed the beast that says how we look and dress dictates our worth and the only way to find out our worth is how many 'friends' and 'followers' acknowledge our efforts.

In the darkest nights of my soul I wanted people to believe I was a care free rebel without a cause, living life on the edge; in fact I was a scared, vulnerable, suicidal young man.  Superficial obsession overruled integrity.

Don't let the same happen to you.

Peace.  x

Love Each Other

I really believe in the human race. I believe we are people of great potential and there are so many who astound me as to their wonderful altruism, creativity and absolute desire to show the world what we can be.  I was challenged recently because I was moaning about Government and about people who seem to persistently try to parasitically suck the life from society.  I was challenged because although I moaned, I was asked what, exactly, I did to help and improve society.  I was silenced.

I have done things in the past deemed as charitable and beneficial to society, but I can't say I am particularly altruistic in my day to day living.  It got me thinking though, great acts of charity don't need to be the way of being a useful cog in our society. 

Love, community and communication surely contribute.  I despise the ignorance we nurture.  I am always amazed as to how well The Sun and The Daily Mail sell. People lap up these 'news sources'.  People absorb these ignorant and false sources of information because (in my opinion) lazy and ignorant journalism is easier to stomach than opinion that challenges our worldview.

It is easier to agree with the idea that we are being flooded with blood sucking immigrants than analyse the complex nature of our ever diverse society and how many people would rather hire a foreigner than a native because at least the foreigner will turn up to the interview, let alone the actual job on time.

It is easier to scroll through Facebook and believe a post that claims our Government spends more on Foreign Aid than the welfare of our own society without actually researching the facts to find Britain's annual spend is only a tiny amount of our GDP.

It is easier to tar Muslims with the terrorist brush than realising that many British people commit huge acts of terrorism by leaving communities in fear every week by theft, abuse and rape of core ideals.

We need to stop believing the world owes us and understanding we owe our fellow man so much in that without love, community and communication we are individuals seeking to follow the god of greed and selfishness.

Peace.  x

Beacon of Light

How do you feel?  Have you been crippled by fear again?  Have you woken with your back dripping wet and your mind branded with terror?  It has been another night of cruel images steamrolling their way in and leaving you trembling, sweating and gasping for breath.  It is relentless.  It is disturbing.

What causes these night terrors to swoop in and rob you of peace and tranquility?  I was once told the nightmares are there because of my own perception of myself.  I was told that the longer I clung on to certain things the more frequently these nightmares would return.  After all, no-one else is commanding your mind.  No-one is implanting these dreams.  You are the master of your mind.  Or you can be at least.  What guilt to you cling on to, like letting go would somehow end your life?

This guilt we nurture holds no use or purpose but yet we desperately strive to nourish it as if it holds some special power we don't quite understand yet.  Guilt is purely subjective and holds no baring on another person's life.  Our guilt makes another's life no better or worse;  they carry on regardless.  We sit there in our own filth of guilt as if we are punishing ourselves.  It's a form of self-harm.  It's sadistic.

We allow this guilt to rot our insides and tear away at our soul until we becomes a shadow - life drained from our eyes.  We allow it to dictate our identity and ultimately are left with no identity.  We become people of fear and trembling not beautiful beacons of light.  You are a beacon of light.

When you accept the past is the past and what makes life worth living is how embrace the now, that is when you become a beacon of light.  Look at those around you who seem so content and at ease with who they are.  They understand the beauty of now and the empowering sense of freedom that comes with accepting mistakes and understanding the wisdom which has come from those mistakes.

Guilt brings death.  Forgiveness brings life.

Forgive yourself.  Stand in the sun and breathe in the wonderful freedom of forgiveness.

Peace.  x

The Seducer

Ah, that delightful temptation seeps through my veins like a thick syrup.  It oozes through my being clogging my system and seductively envelops me in a toxic hug.  It whispers sweetly in my ear inviting me in, reassuring me that this is the path to take; this is the road to freedom.  It feels intoxicating and I am almost drunk on the promises being massaged into my mind.  I am under a spell and I feel myself being pulled deeper and deeper into a dark and dangerous place.  I am becoming a slave.

Small voices of despair try to break through but they are muffled and censored behind a more powerful and inviting voice.  A voice which reassures me this route brings relief and it brings liberation.  The muffled voices cry out in protest and sob in utter horror, but I cannot really hear them because I don't want to hear them.  Their voices invoke fear but the other voice brings calm clarity.  The voices of despair smash themselves against their prison walls, screaming to be heard but the walls are growing thicker and their voices more distant.

"It is futile," whispers my seducer.  I nod in agreement.  It is futile.  I am spellbound.

Its smooth, cold perfection feels light and easy in my grip.  It is like an extension of me because I use it everyday with such skill and ease.  Why wouldn't I connect it with myself?  It's like an artist's brush or a musician's instrument; you give your everything to it and it, in turn, becomes part of you.  I anticipate the first cut in a long time and it feels exhilarating.

"NO!"

A muffled voice has broken free.

"You are loved.  You are better.  You are stable.  You are of worth."

I hesitate.

"You are not fucked up to do this anymore.  It's not just you you will be cutting, but those around you."

The seductive voice of self harm has lost her power and I can walk another day without new cuts that would become scars.  I can walk another day knowing I do not loathe myself.

I like myself.

Bloody hell, there's even days where I love myself.

Peace.      

Think of Me

Think of me when you're a little desperate and need a tender touch,
Think of me when your mind is racing and it feels too much.
Think of me when the world is like a field of terrible snares,
Think of me when all you desire is to know I deeply care.

Hold on to me when you feel your grip is slipping away,
Hold on to me when the night seems as if it will never become day.
Hold on to me when your heart won't stop beating hard,
Hold on to me when all you need is your hand held.

Cuddle in to me when the terror of the night makes you gasp,
Cuddle in to me as I will never leave, I am here to the last.
Cuddle in to me and listen to the gentle beat of my heart,
Cuddle in to me and let that rhythm bring peace to your heart.

Kiss me when you need to feel cared and loved,
Kiss me as I am the one you know you can trust.
Kiss me as these lips are yours and yours always,
Kiss me my sweet as I shall never walk away.

Society not Selfishness

Carmen and I have bought a house. Well, nearly.  We're almost there, we just need to sign the mortgage deeds and send the money through.  This is the crux of the issue though, because we were sent a bill by our solicitors today and it was much higher than we thought it should be.

I phoned the solicitors and questioned the bill and they dismissed me like I was a silly little child daring to question their 'professionalism'.  I then phoned our mortgage adviser asking for his, well, advice!  I went through the bill with him and he saw an anomaly and phoned the lawyers on our behalf and they admitted they had made a mistake by a whopping £800.  These are people charging hellish amounts of money and they were going to overcharge us by a huge figure.

They sent through a new bill and bloody hell, they'd adjusted their figures but somehow another £200 has been added to the bill in other areas.  I am absolutely disgusted by their brazen attempts to get money from us, as if we'll simply put our hands in our pockets and pay it.  They will be in for a fight.

Their approach though, sums up the disease of our society where greed and individualism is king.  If I can get something out of this, it doesn't matter how it affects others.  Fuck that.

If our society will ever succeed again it will be about integrity, grace and community.  I will never overcharge someone in my restaurant because it's about community enjoying the experience.  We will make a profit because we are good with our finances and welcome people back time and time again.

These lawyers trying to rob us don't understand that trying to do business by hoping you can fleece people without anyone noticing is parasitic and sucks the life out of society.  If these scum bags can sleep at night then I am amazed.

The Still, Small Voice

I hate feeling like I am not strong enough.  I know I have a good understanding of people and I know I have a good understanding of how people think.  I guess I always try to look for the best in people and try to believe that they are not intending to screw me over.  God, I know that is incredibly naive and, in fact, so many people out there are trying to get what they can regardless of how others are treated in the process.  It saddens me.

I have so many dreams and I truly believe I am exceptional at what I do but I have so many voices telling me to do this or do that, I suddenly struggle to understand what I AM actually thinking.  I am currently doubting my own abilities because so many other voices are giving me a very different story.  Their voices are not to be dismissed but it makes me question my own.

I need to gain a perspective where I can listen to the still, small voice of reason from my own mind and nod to it with confidence.  The problem with that is, I have so much noise that still, small voice is struggling to be heard.  I think this is currently reflecting my own state of mind.  

Do you ever struggle to hear your quiet voice?

Peace.  x

Your Voice

Why do you think your voice should not be heard?  What has warranted the silence and inability to speak?  Do you think you're stupid or that your mouth has been sewn shut?  Does it feel as if someone has threaded invisible chord through your lips so that no matter how much you desire to speak, only a muffled sound emits from your throat?

It doesn't have to be this way and it doesn't have to feel this way.  Your voice is powerful and must be heard.  Power doesn't come from how loudly you can SHOUT or who you can bully to be listened to.  Power comes from a quiet resolve and perseverance.  Power comes from a self-assurance that you do have something valid to say; it's the way you say it.  People with great words are confident in what they say and have self-belief.  Believe in who you are and your words will follow.

Don't be fooled into thinking that banal sound bites from Bieber and Jeremy Kyle are the epitome of what we have to say for ourselves.  We are meant to be so much more than that; the human race has been built on fabulous philosophy with eternal words of wisdom and depth.  "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Cogito ergo sum," "Yes we can," "Who, being loved, is poor?"  We are a species of great words and your words can become part of that fabric.

Your words and actions can become entwined in this rich history of humanity.  Your story and journey can become a vibrant, visual masterpiece which shouts into human history of who you are and what you can and did achieve.

Your voice can be a poetic, passionate and positive sound through so much noise.

Nightmares

Wowzers.  I woke up this morning after having had two nightmares.  They were pretty messed up dreams and involved blood, insanity and murder.  Those kind of intense dreams where you feel utterly helpless completely knocked me off balance for the entire day.  I regularly have very vivid dreams and usually they're exciting but these ones were disturbing and flooded me with anxiety.

I can never forget that I am vulnerable and need the support of those around me because the mind is a powerful thing and dominates who we are.

Carmen and I are juggling a lot at the moment and I know that with being pulled in many directions my mind is trying to process that.  I don't want to take too much on but to chase your dreams I think you have to run through fire to get there.  Getting burned is part of the process and I hope it refines me and make me stronger and more astute.  Two years ago I would never have been able to do some of what I am doing now and that comforts me because I am stronger.

I think and analyse too much sometimes and I definitely need to give my mind a rest at times because I can be pretty intense; the thing is though, that is what makes me Tom and if I wasn't this way I would probably be a bit of a shell - a zombie shuffling through life.

Let us be thankful of the opportunities we have and the ones we miss because at least we had those opportunities.  Also, never let our fears and nightmares cripple us because, after all, dreams can never hurt us.

Peace.  X

Dreamcatcher

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."  Oscar Wilde

Carmen and I have been having very odd dreams lately; our minds are working overtime and it is manifesting in uncomfortable and bizarre dreams.  We have a lot to process at the moment with real possibilities and quite a stunning 2013.  It's in the balance though and could simply be a year of disappointment.  Our dreams are signifying that we have a lot on our minds because we could be waking soon to find some of those  good dreams will be a reality.

I'm not sure I can count how many times I have grasped hold of something only to see it slip from my fingers at the last moment.  So often I have caught the dream in my hands and it has slipped through like a liquid.  I am very cautious nowadays to get excited because I'm not sure I want to deal with the feeling of dejection if it all falls through.  I want to catch hold of these dreams and seem them solidify and no longer be ethereal phantasms of my imagination.

I want to see the people, places and emotions I feel and see in my sleep become physical reality.  I will keep pushing and keep climbing; I have a beautiful and supportive partner who keeps driving me forward and reminding me this is not a journey being done alone.

The sun could be rising on a new era.

The Paradox of Time

I'm sure most of us have wondered why five minutes before you finish work appears to drag on and on, whereas five minutes before you have to get out of bed in the morning appears to be but a blink of the eye.  We'd like it to be the other way round.

We are ruled by time and I know I am particularly concerned with it.  I like (very strongly) to have clocks in easy view and can't go to bed without my phone next to me so I can know the time.  I know, it reads like I am bordering on obsessive and maybe I am.  I don't like to feel time is slipping away - I don't want to waste the time I have.  When I was in therapy my fears to do with losing time came through because, for me, I have huge fears of losing my mind.  I have fears of getting dementia and losing the life I had.  Time is connected to that and I worry that I am not appreciating the time I have and the life I am living.

Of course, this is a huge contradiction because the more I worry that I am not appreciating the life I am living, the more I am fulfilling my own fears.

Therapy though helped me to understand how unnecessary these fears are and how important it is to understand that my life will slip away if I continue to worry in such a way.  Time will continue to tick by regardless of how I feel so, in the end, the only thing I am competing against is myself.  I am young and healthy, why be afraid of a distant unknown?

And this comes back to five minutes in bed or five minutes at work; if I continue to worry away my life then time will fly by and I will be standing there, in years to come, realising I had worried my life away in the blink of an eye and not grabbed life in all its fullness and beauty.

Live your life.

Peace.  x

The One I Love

In this world of instants and Hollywood-esque desires, always remember that love is patient and love is kind.  My love for you is enduring because it doesn't need flashy gestures or one time gestures.  The love I have for you lasts because it hurts to thinks of a world without you and it gives me strength to remember that you inhabit my world and I inhabit yours and we are on a journey of redemption together.

Redemption?

Yes, because love is like a saviour.  When you love someone and they love you it is life giving and breathes new energy and life in dusty and tired bones.  I was deeply depressed and felt lonely and in a place of darkness.  Knives and nooses were my friends and death appeared to be seductive.  Through love I found new life and new hope.

Your love was part of that.  Your love gave me courage.  Your love slotted into that wonderful journey of healing.

When I see you I see kindness and caring.  I see a girl of passionate desire to give and keep on giving.  I see a girl who knows what it means to hurt and therefore strives to give love and compassion.  I see someone who will never fail to give up on me and sees the potential I have when I don't see it.

I see and feel that tender touch and that soft kiss.

I feel that warmth of affection that sends shivers down my spine.  A beautiful paradox.

I see you.

I love you.

My Mind is Tom. Tom is my Mind.

The mind is a strange and scary entity.  As an atheist I guess my personality, character and even ‘destiny’ comes mainly from how my brain is wired.  There is no God, universe, karma, luck or fate to guide my life or define my ‘soul.’  My life is not mapped out before me like a toy car on an electric race track.  I do not believe in predestination.  How this life I occupy reveals itself is down to the choices I make through the circumstances I encounter.

My mind has (and does) played tricks on me and decisions I have made have been misjudged because of impaired mental awareness.  In illness I made choices which were wrong and these choices created a different path to the one I hoped would be set out before me.  It has not been destiny or God’s intervention but my actions (or inactions) in specific scenarios and situations.  To cut or not to cut; to say yes or no; to speak up or stay silent; to walk away or not.

The mind I have is not an entity which infects and controls me as if I am a shell controlled like a brainwashed creature.  When I refer to my mind I am, in fact, referring to me.  I am my mind and my mind is me.  My mind is Tom. Tom is my mind. I am Tom.

I have had many moments where I have felt intruded upon, where my mind has been in the clutches of a foreign creature seeking to suck the core of my being from me.  This creature (this Intruder) with the intent on destroying me though has only been me.  My Intruder has no power because he doesn’t exist.  I am the owner of my mind and the keeper of my destiny.  I walk this path and decide what fork to take and what road to travel.

It is my choice to live a healthy, full and exuberant life.

The Weight of the World

What weighs you down so much?  It's as if you have taken the weight of the world upon those shoulders.  You are not meant to live this way.  The heaviness you brutally carry is only from you; you have placed it there as some form of self-harm.

Don't you feel its damage and destruction?  Don't you want to experience the liberation that comes from being able breathe again?  I know it's utterly dejecting to feel so trapped.  It's like running through a maze in the pouring rain.  You can barely see each step you take.  You trip and fall, wiping the rain from your face but it makes no difference.  The more you wipe your face, the more the rain batters you and your eyes sting as there is no respite.  You keep hitting dead ends and run around in circles, coming up against wall after wall.

You fall face down and eat the dirt.  Coughing and spluttering you try to stand but your legs are jelly.  It's as if you are loaded with bricks on your back.

It's hopeless.
It's helpless.

It doesn't have to be this way.
It doesn't need to be so utterly devoid of light.  The light is attainable.  It is within grasp of your cold, weak hands.

There is hope.
You're not helpless.

Peace.  x