Trudging Through the Slime

We celebrated my parents 40th wedding anniversary on Monday. Lots of people there. We had the party at our local vineyard. It was ironic for me, as this was where I got married. Bitter sweet. A marriage failed; a marriage which has withstood the battering and blasting life gives.

I felt uplifted and proud to be part of a family which shows you can make a relationship work. Joe (my twin bro) blessed my older brother's three children and blessed my mum and dad. It was beautiful to see a son (who is now a reverend) bless his parents in the sight of God, regardless of what you believe. He spoke to us all (the 100 or so) about life being a journey and how that creates us and makes us into the people we are. We should embrace it.

I've had a rough week. I harmed myself again. I saw my journey as one of despair and self-loathing. I wanted more of literal etching on my skin.

But.

I see how my folks have endured absolute shit to be at a place of being able to celebrate their marriage. I see how they are friends. How many of us will have a friend after over 40 years? I am 30 next month and still trying to befriend myself.

We journey in and out of darkness. Grasping for the specks of light which tease us as they glimmer in our sight. We see where we desire to travel and rest our heads and say this is home. We trudge through the inky slime which slows our feet and muddles our brain. But we keep walking, we keep striving, knowing we can get to the shore and put our dirty, heavy feet on something cleansing and free.

I see my parents and how they have dragged each other through the depths of hell and turned their backs on the hellish.

I will keep trudging through the sludge. I will trip up and I will find my head underwater. But I have the fight and the will to lift my head above water, breathe in the air and find the shore to rest my head and laugh at the joy of the pure air I breathe.