It's the knot in your stomach. You wake up with it, you go through the day with it and you go to bed with it; and it also keeps you awake. You are constantly anxious and you're not always sure why. It wears you down and causes you to start to give up. You resign your thinking to the fact you will always feel this way. It causes bitterness and resignation and it also causes you to think you are weak and stupid. Snap out of it for god's sake.
There's also the mental and physical disability. You can be walking down the street and you feel this dark cloud invade your mind. So much so that you can't keep walking; you can't do anything. You simply stand there paralysed and wonder what the hell to do. Walking seems too much and the thought of then meeting another person causes the slow, scary rise of panic to fill your consciousness. You stand there terrified of moving and not knowing how to get out of the situation. If it sounds dramatic, it's because it is. We underestimate the power of the mind.
If your mind decides to work against you, then you suddenly acknowledge how utterly necessary and controlling it is. It can feel like you are watching yourself from the outside whilst your mind takes you hostage and you are somehow trapped in a small compartment within your mind, watching an intruder corrupt what you hold so dear.
It's scary fighting against this and claiming your mental health back. Saying you won't be dragged down and you won't entertain those dark thoughts that maybe it's better to simply not be around. It's not a thought hoping to get attention, it's a thought that comes from no longer having the fight in you.
It's when you do fight against the intruder of your mind and unlock the door to the compartment that you find a fresh understanding and fresh hope. I've picked the lock and I'm claiming back what's mine.
