Grab this Life

Is this the world we occupy?  Are we really here and living in this strange and complex palace?  Pinch me, because we are possibly riding toward paradise.

You know, so often in this life of ours we have thought things weren't going to get any better and maybe these were the cards we were destined to be dealt.  I don't believe in destiny though, because destiny implies no control.  Destiny implies we don't have a choice and we are on this sad conveyor belt of life where we have to simply sit and accept whatever is thrown at us. No.  I see a future where we decide what path to take and what life we want.

I understand we will be tripped and trodden on.  I understand others will drag us down and try to drain us.  But surely that creates more resolve and ignites that burning fire of passion to work harder to make life the wonderful, beautiful thing we know it can be.  My goodness, this is the only chance we have, why waste it on worry and regret?  Why look back when you can turn your face to the sun of opportunity and joy?

This life is the one shot we have at utter hugeness.  This is your life and, by god, make sure you grab this life with all your might so that your strength is tearing through it.  Why waste time on empty words and hesitation?  We will not be another one who wishes they took that moment when it came.

We will be the ones who embraced the wonder of opportunity to be all we are meant to be.

The Chase

For the past two nights I have been having dreams about being chased.  It is one of those typical dreams where no matter how fast you run, you cannot escape your pursuer.  Your legs feel heavy and laboured and all your movements are sluggish and exaggerated.  You are desperately willing your body to engage and take flight from the dark figure stalking your dreams, but all the will in the world appears useless.

I am waking up disorientated and uneasy; I am feeling on edge and stalked.  Those few moments of not understanding it was just a dream are intense and horrible. The trouble is, I am feeling on edge throughout the day because of the dreams and I am hoping tonight will be a peaceful night.  I am hoping tonight will be dreams of future plans and present love and past achievements.

I have been analysing why I have been having these dreams and wondering if it is my Intruder waving hello.  He is never far away and I do get paranoid he will burst onto the scene in all his macabre glory.  He is under control and I have a small smattering of dark incidents over the past two years to smudge a rather clean and wonderfully positive time in my life.

But.

He doesn't adhere to my rules.  He adheres to his own chaos and dystopia.

Thankfully, I am stronger and more stable; I am wiser and more aware; I am loved and in love.

Ultimately, my Intruder can only do as much damage as I allow him.  He can only chase me as long as I keep running and don't turn and face him.  It is my life, my control and my destiny.

Peace.  x

My Darling, My Lover, My Friend

My darling, you are my world, my friend, my lover, my everything.  Each day is a beginning so we have no fear of an end.  I will endeavor to love you with the utter limits of my strength; you deserve this and so much more.  Words falter from my lips at times when I want to describe what you mean to me, so through these words I hope you will understand.

I hope you will understand that the sun rises and sets with you, because in your light I see the world more clearly.

I hope you understand how in the clearness of what I see I am so completely sure of who I am.  It is true that when you find the one you adore you become so completely sure of who you are and meant to be.  it is like seeing everything in crystal clarity, like you can almost see objects broken down to their tiniest details.  Have you ever looked closely at a drop of water clinging on to a leaf and been amazed at how it is delicately poised?  As you stare at it you can almost see it as if it is living.  Every detail clear and precise.  This is how my emotions are with you.  Clear, precise and true.

My darling, I will strive to be your world, your friend and always be there as your trusted companion.  These words are for you and only you.

My heart is for you and only you.

The Power of Love

Love is a strangly divisive word. We all have theories about what "real" love is. Some of us believe it is about the first sight phenomenom and others believe it is a slow burning sensation where real love comes through after understanding someone and growing to learn who that person is. There is talk about loving a person being different to being "in love".

For me love is definitely a verb. That is, love involves action, it involves integrity, it involves hard work and it involves faith. We are a whimsical people. We are fickle and impatient and we demand instant results. Real love can seem like hard work because it may not fit into the Hollywood bullshit we were so ignorant to think could actually be real. Just a little memo; your life isn't blessed with a writer writing your lines through your life.

In a world of instants we can sometimes delude ourselves that if we have a bad day with the one we love we can believe that maybe they're not the "one". News flash: hapy ever after didn't mean always happy ever after. There will always be times where you struggle as a couple, but the beauty of that struggle is how you overcome those adversities and show your true colours. My goodness, I am using far too many cliches but that's the point, true and real love transcends all of this and shows that to be truly happy you can snuggle up at the end of a day and laugh at the silly arguments, cuddle up and remember how bloody perfect a simple hug is.

Transparency. Trust. Truth.

Carmen loves me because I have all of the above qualities. Sometimes it hurts to have them because I don't hide anything and she becomes frustrated or angry with me but she ultimately respects me because I don't entwine myself with lies and deceit. This is me. In my worst and in my best.

This is me.

And she loves me.

And she is in love with me.

And I with her.

Happy ever after.

Reach for the Stars

At work today I was watching the various people eating in the restaurant and getting a glimpse into their lives. There was the table celebrating a birthday, giving a cake, with three candles to their elderly relative; the young couple who were clearly in love but enjoyed people watching, but always acknowledging each other through subtle hand holds and glances; the five desperate housewives who chatted loudly and enthusiastically about suburban life; the uptight group of four who, as friends, clearly needed to enjoy life more; the Spanish party of four who loved life and chatted passionately.

People are diverse and interesting and all on a journey to an unknown destination. They're all muddling through this world trying to understand who they are and where they fit in this strange existence. Nothing is certain for any of us. We may have a succesful career but possibly a rocky home life. We may be madly in love but struggling to make ends meet. We may be fervently certain about our soul but utterly lost about our physical state of health. We may be the perfect example of physical prowess but spiritually lost at sea. We may read five books a week and have diverse knowledge but be emotionally crippled. We all face those moments of questioning who we are and what we are here for.

But that is the beauty of this journey isn't it? This journey is along a road full of twists and turns and tests. This journey has no promises of being easy but it does provide wonderful possibilities where we can be people who reach beyond daydreams and grasp the stars.

Go grab a star.

Peace. X

Back on the Pills

So, I'm back on my medication. It was a difficult decision to make because I had gone through the long process of slowly coming off them and being stable and at peace without the need for medication. I have been on anti-depressants for over four years but still have this niggling sensation of it being a stigma although I know it isn't justified to feel this way.

I had felt a sense of freedom of being able to wake up each day without needing to pop a pill to stabilise my mood. I had felt the tight chords of darkness release their grip and allow me to breathe again. I had felt the wonderful sense of achievement of making a coice of whether the bleak despair has a say or the bright sense of optimism.

But, sometimes there's no stopping the train of depression. Sometimes it's not possible to fight of the feelings of disgust and self loathing. In those moments, no amount of 'PMA' or desperate hope that my mood will lift will actually make any difference. Sometimes there is a need to say, "Enough," and admit the absolute need for help. I went too long pretending I was okay and I would snap out of it. I went too long going through massive highs and lows, believing this was normal and sane. This time though, I saw the signs and swept aside pride and social stigma and made a choice.

I need the pills because it's not a simple case of snapping out of it. It's not a simple case of 'manning up.' It's not about seeing what happens. When you have an overwhelming desire to harm yourself, you know you need outside help and support. When the desire to harm yourself means you need someone by your side to ensure you don't do anything stupid, you know you need help.

So I am happy to be back on medication because it's okay to be vulnerable and it is okay to say, "I can't do this on my own."

Peace. X

Homeland and Depression

I was watching Homeland the other day and it is a really insightful drama about depression and the struggle it is and always will be.  When depressed it causes heightened paranoia, but it also gives greater insights into situations.  Unfortunately, because you're depressed others tend not to trust your judgement and you also doubt your own credibility.

Everything becomes magnified in a depressed mind, so that the smallest thing can seem gigantic.  A throwaway comment can be analysed and scrutinised for days, even weeks, in the mind of a depressed person.  There are comments from years ago that I sometimes still analyse to wonder if it really had any meaning and was actually truthful about who I am and what I stand for.

We all analyse things from time to time and can wonder, when we walk into a room if a couple of people laugh and look our way whether they were laughing at us.  With depression though, you don't brush it off but go home and tear apart your personality why they were laughing at you - when in fact, they were probably laughing and happened to look your way as they were laughing because you happened to walk through the door at the same time.

Homeland was very interesting because Carrie, the female protagonist, has bi-polar and is dismissed as crazy because of her disorder.  The irony is that although she is acutely ill, her insights are more valid than anyone realises.  I have come to accept that although there have been many times my judgement has been severely impaired, my natural instincts should never be doubted as my depression may magnify my emotions but don't nullify my instincts.

Depression does not take away my humanity, it affirms my humanity and the struggles we all face to be genuine, passionate people.

The Rat Race

Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience. Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise, because of impatience we cannot return.
W. H. Auden

Self harm feels good.  That's the problem. It's not like you do it and hate every moment; the moment of hatred comes before and after - during it you are so pumped with adrenaline, it feels slightly dreamlike.  That's why it's important to never, ever be complacent about it and the dangers of falling into the trap again.  It's a narrow path to walk to ensure self-inflicted pain doesn't become habit again.

Unfortunately, many of us self harm in so many other ways that are socially acceptable.  Just another burger; just another diet; just another trip to the gym; just another drink; just another hour at work.

In such a fast paced world, we're made to feel guilty for slowing down.  We feel guilty for stopping and 'being.'  We punish ourselves by keeping up with the pace or for not being able to.  At work I am always confronted by customers who are so impatient and no matter how fast and hard I work, it doesn't appear to be quick enough.  If I stop and talk for two minutes with a customer, just to see how they are and how life is, I am met with sighing and tutting.  Seriously, how fucked up are we, that we are incredulous at the simple interaction of two human beings?

I remember, at Easter, saying to an impatient customer that although it was Easter, and I was dark skinned, he must have been mistaking me for Jesus because I wasn't actually able to speed up time and have his table ready any quicker.

The Rat Race has a title with vermin in it - it's probably a good indication of how seriously it should be taken.

Choices

There are times when we have no choice; when our circumstances dictate that we have only one route to go and we must mange it as best we can.  Life, for that moment, is bound by one direction, one course of action.  There are moments though when we are faced with a choice, a decision, a life changing opportunity.  We walk to the fork in the road and have to decide.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does the pressure can be overwhelming.

I've had those moments and it's the utter uncertainty of which way to go that makes me really anxious.  I worry that one direction is the completely wrong direction.  I worry that walking one path will be detrimental to my life and I won't be able to fix it.  I will become trapped and unable to break free from a poor choice.

I know that's not the reality and, as humans, we are brilliantly able to adapt and change course with the will and ambition behind us.  But the worry that stepping down one path will be completely wrong can be crippling for me.

Facing choices at the moment is a real worry because I feel like I have made too many wrong decisions in the past and don't want to do another.  I want to trust my judgement; I want my gut to be right.

We shall see.

Mark Driscoll is an antichrist

I posted the other day about control freaks and Mark Driscoll is a prime example of what I was writing about.

Mark Driscoll is pastor of a very large church in Seattle.  From what I gather, the church is still growing and the largest demographic (according to his words) are 20something single men.  This probably speaks volumes.

I was made aware by my twin bro about a website written by a couple who left Driscoll's church after facing severe bullying and abuse.  Driscoll was extremely controlling and intimidating.  Here's a video by this 'Christian' leader preaching about how nice it would be to punch the crap out of some of his leaders.  Arrogant, ignorant and completely anti-Christian is how I would categorise this guy:

There are so many videos of Driscoll and his absolutely bullish ways.  He disdains women by the implied things he says in preaches I have listened to; he views any man who struggles as weak and insignificant.  He is the epitome of the anti-christ because he sees Jesus as a Sly Stallone, ready to slit the throat of Satan and he sees himself as Apollo Creed ready to smash the shit out of anyone who would oppose him.

I don't usually post about specific Christians, but then this guy isn't a Christian but is actually a twat who I hope is revealed for the fraud and absolute shit he really is.

I don't believe Jesus is god, but if he is then I feel sorry for him that he has people like this claiming to represent him, because Mark Driscoll is an anti-christ.

The Intruder is Knocking

Damn it.  I feel the Intruder scraping at the door.  I hear his nails scratching and reminding me that he hasn't gone away and he's still there.  He's like a niggling ache.  He's like an ulcer under your tongue that you can't help prodding.  He's a bad feeling that won't go away.

I'm nowhere near the depths of darkness I was at over a year ago and I'm thankful for that.  I'm thankful for the mental strength I have now and the awareness of little triggers that I can confront and push back.  Nonetheless, he's prowling like a caged beast, looking for a weakness so he can pounce and I hate it.

Depression is a constant and unrelenting battle that needs strength and deep emotional awareness.  It's a weird paradox, because being depressed means you are acutely intelligent about your emotions and are highly intuitive about what it means to 'feel.'  It is not a self-serving component of self-pity.  It is a brutal reminder of how easily I can sink into scary depths of despair and before I know it I am despising myself and inflicting mental and physical pain on myself.

Each day I must step back and remind myself of the wonderful truths my life has.  I am loved.  I love.  I am loved. I love.  I am loved.  I love.

I am loved.  I love.

It is not repetitive; it is restorative.

The Intruder may want to cause havoc on my life, but I will not allow it because joy and peace are my goals.

Peace.  x

Control Freaks

The problem with trying to control everything is it is the antithesis of what it means to be human.  When you try to control everything and everyone around you, it actually creates a toxic environment.  Humanity is the wonderful, beautiful, stunning thing it is because of our ability to be free and thrive.  Our greatest achievements have been when we have dared to step into darkness, when we have asked the questions no-one else has dared, when we have defied authorities and declared we are more than you say, when we have stopped and looked beyond ourselves, when we have understood how minuscule we are, yet how momentous we can be, when we have refused to believe impossible is actually a word.

Control is toxic because it eats away at the core of what it means to be human.  History teaches us that those who have been controlled and oppressed, have become so dejected and helpless they have finally said, "Enough," and risen up and become a people of greatness, a people of wonderful opportunity.   The Arab Springs shows us that you can only beat a man down for so long.  The abolition of slavery showed that when you try to control humanity, which is built up with fierce passions, unconditional love, absolute belief in oneself and fear of nothing, no man or ideology will be able to quench such a tide.

The need to control comes from fear and insecurity.  When we try to control everything to the tiniest details, it is a reflection of our insecurities and inability to control our own emotions and our mental state.  We are afraid of ourselves and fear the shadows that come to us when we go to bed.  We are unsure of who we are what we are and so we try to control people and situations to authoritarian levels because we hope it will compensate for the fear that keeps us awake at night.

Absolute control never works because humans are built to break free and smash chains (mental or physical ) because that is who we are and what makes us so fucking beautiful.

The Stars, Not the Gutter

The thing is, you can stay where you are and stay at what you're doing.  You can stick with how things are and convince yourself that this is how it is meant to be.  You can stay with your deluded thoughts that this is as good as it gets.

In many ways I am safe with what I am doing and how I am living.  In many ways it is easier this way.  But then I see what I could be and become.  I see what staying does;  it infects you and turns your head from the stars and back to the gutter.

Carmen constantly reminds me that I am not a gutter man but a star man and I must, I should, I can and I will be a star man.  It's hard because I have lost so much confidence in what I can be.  I feel like the past three years have been a sense of failure and I do look at my life and think I have achieved so little.  I have a wonderful girl in my life who loves me and motivates me to strive for that wonderful sense of achievement and happiness that I know I can do.  It's hard to see it at times though and the blanket of inky doubt seeps over my mind and I regularly believe I will never get to where I know I can be.

It's easy to think 'this' is it and actually you're kidding yourself to think you'll step beyond what you're currently doing.  I dream a lot and I dream a lot of being in a place where I am proud of what I do and have a sense of peace in what I do.  I tend to think it is wistful to believe you can wake up in the morning looking forward to the job you do and you will keep reaching higher and higher.  I keep losing sight of that dream and wake up anxious and despondent.  Carmen keeps giving me a dream slap and reminds me of the person I am - a dreamer with potential.

Don't be fooled into thinking you won't ever get there in what ever you are planning, because we are people of huge potential.  We are people who have reached the stars and left the gutter behind.

Peace.  x

Life during Life

"If I died tomorrow, do you actually think you would never see me again?"

Carmen asked me this question not too long ago and it really challenged me.  Being an atheist means I do think this life is it and the journey ends when death wraps its cold arms around us.  It scares me to think that if Carmen, whilst I am writing this, dies would I ever see aher again in a life after?  Does the journey continue?  I have to be honest with myself though and, right now, I don't think I would see her again.  I believe the life we are sharing is the only journey we will share; therefore I need to make the most of her.

It's a brutal viewpoint, I know.  Some may see it as slightly callous because it seems alien to think we won't see loved ones again.  When a person dies the regular responses are of hope that they are in a 'better place', 'sleeping with the angels', 'walking with Jesus' and so forth.

People refuse to believe I am an atheist and are almost incredulous that I could hold the belief that there is no afterlife.  It's slightly offensive to some.

But, just because I don't believe in heaven doesn't mean I don't believe in love and compassion and care.  I spent too many days hating myself and others and digging my grave early.  Too many days wishing this life away.  It's true, life is for living.

I may not believe in life after death but I passionately believe in life during life.

I Am Free

I was talking to some friends the other day who struggle with depression and each day is a battle and calls for strength from others around them to help them and guide them.  What struck me was when we started talking about medication;  medication is a two edged sword, it is helpful, but can become an obsession.  The medication I was on was so useful and so beneficial to my recovery, but I knew it was also something I wasn't sure I could do without.

I am now medication free and it is wonderful to be drug free and stable. It took me a little while to adjust and know I was 'normal' after being so long on medication, but now I know I am in a good place and happy!   What struck me was talking to my friends and the medication they are on - I was on so much more.  My transition from medication to prescription free is a miracle.  I have moved from really heavy medication to being completely free and I know that is wonderful.

I will not take for granted the joy of being free from the darkness and depression and desolation. I will not be complacent about how  I am feeling so good and risk it.  My mind is fragile and my life balances on a knife edge, so it is important that I embrace the road before me.

I went from utter despair to a palace of peace and light - I will live in this palace with joy and light and life.

Peace.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember?  Do you remember how it felt?  Do you remember?

It was like a blanket of inky darkness wrapped around my brain and seeped into every corner, travelling through the palaces of my mind, making the walls crumble and ceilings collapse.  It was infection from the inside out.

Do you remember?

It was pain that had no face or form; no substance and took no respite.  It was relentless in its advance and rushed in like a terrifying force of nature.  It smashed through the walls of my mind and twisted its knife deep inside my soul.

Do you remember?

The road to freedom was long, treacherous and lonely.  I gazed into the bleak horizon and only saw hostility and hopelessness.  I only saw darkness and despair.  I only saw sadness and suicide.

Do you remember?

Then it changed.  In the horizon I saw the sun stretch its rays of hope through the sky and punch away the darkness.  The hostile road, illuminated by the hope, revealed something new and exciting and peaceful. The road of despair was no longer so and I could see that which I feared was unfounded in the new light.  In the dark the mind plays tricks and can deceive you; in the light you see things how they really are.

The blanket of depression wrapped around my brain has begun to dissolve.  I am not consumed by guilt and fear and loathing.  I am compelled by light and love and hope.

I want you to remember.

Peace.

World's Greatest

I haven't written for far too long. I've been caught up in trying to forge new paths, new journeys, new dreams. I've been looking at fulfilling a dream that has whispered in my ear for many years and it has always seemed a whisper; it has always appeared to be something I will never be able to do. There are many aspects why, but I guess most of the reasons have been a lack of belief and from that my motivation has been half-hearted. To open a restaurant appears to be a massive task and possibly beyond my reach, but then things changed and perspectives shifted.

When I met Carmen something significant struck me; she reminded me of the ambitions I used to fearlessly hold. She reminded me that if you want it, then you can get it; she reminded me that fears are usually unfounded. I used to have utter belief I would open a restaurant and by the age of 30 be extremely successful. I'm 31 and still have no restaurant. I meet Carmen and within 12 months of meeting her we have a new business plan, business name, menu, registered brand and have viewed over half a dozen properties as potential restaurants. In a matter of months we even found a place we thought was perfect, signed the papers and lost out at the last gasp to a higher bidder. In 6 months we have moved further than I have in 6 years.

Some of the world's greatest have pushed for their dream regardless of perceived obstacles and smashed through with utterly astounding results. Although we have no restaurant yet and we are still running at full speed toward those obstacles, those obstacles do not seem so daunting.

Carmen's love and encouragement is what I consider to be the world's greatest. We can do it; we can achieve it; we can live it. I love her for making me a better man and helping me realise my potential. She is my catalyst and I hope I am hers because I desire a world of greatness for her.

Peace.

Love Drives Out Fear

I believe in you. I don't doubt your ability to overcome those fears and anxieties. I don't doubt your integrity and desire to make things right. They are mistakes after all and I will never judge you; mistakes are not a breach of integrity. I have made many mistakes, but I know in my deepest being that I am still a man of integrity.

You might be gripped by fears and doubts, but those fears are not your master, your keeper, nor your identity. Do not allow the words and actions of others to define you, for what they have done is actually a mark of their insecurities, not yours. We are in a world of fear; open the newspaper and you will see. We are told that we will be bombed, mugged, raped, stolen from, deceived and walked over every day. We are told the world is falling apart. We are told to be scared. Yes, the world is currently fragile and economies are in strife. Yes, fundamentalists want disrupt harmony and impose their ideals and self-righteousness on us, but have they not throughout history?

The key is to remember that if you love others, respect others and give unconditionally then you are sowing a goodness into the world that drives away fear and loathing. Do not become a pawn of a society which wants to breed fear. Do not become a product of a culture that wants you to live in fear and doubt. Be true to you and stand firm in your belief that love wins.

Peace.

Tom 'The Dreamer'

I've been mulling over where I am in life and what I have achieved.  I've known people to define me as a 'dreamer' and say that I'm a nice guy but ultimately I dream a lot, but nothing ever really happens.  I say a lot but do little.  I think they're right.

Okay, I have a degree, have seen quite a lot of the world and worked in various jobs gaining lots of experience, but I have never achieved the two things I dream of:

Getting published and opening a restaurant.

I need to finish my book and although I'm slowly getting there, I could be getting there much quicker.  I have had the chance to write loads tonight and yet I have barely written anything.  I know my book (so far) is good and definitely publishable, but I need to get myself into gear and finish it.  Is it a case of Tom the dreamer starting something and never finishing it?

I have talked about opening my own restaurant for ten years now and still nothing has happened.  Am I kidding myself?  Am I all talk?  I've been thinking recently that yes I am.

I don't want to get into the trap of living in the horrible void of boredom and banality.  I don't want to be that person who drifts through life without ever facing fears, reaching for dreams and going for something that seems impossible, but does it anyway.

I know the key to it is, quite frankly, me.  It is up to me to get these dreams and thrust them into reality,  It is up to me to turn away from the comfort of familiarity and step forth into the darkness knowing the blinding light of achievement will burst through at any moment.

Peace.

To All the Lovers

I don't know why we live like we do and try to create worlds where everything is perfect.

Our world is not perfect but it is beautiful.  You are my dream.

Take me for who I am am and I will give you a life  of devotion and truth and integrity.

Peace.

The Whole Truth?

I like to feel important; I like to feel appreciated; I like to appear funny and interesting.

Do you?

I know I tell stories and tales and 'edit' them a little, simply to make them funnier or interesting.  The edits are usually tiny; maybe a slightly different word used to the one actually said, or may adding an extra person to the people present when I did this or that, but ultimately the story is true.  The thing is, I'm adjusting the story to increase my importance and popularity (or perceived level of popularity).  Most of the time it's a rather subconscious thing and only after do I even realise I have done it.

Why?  I think it's to feel more important than I really am.  I think it's to elevate my own sense of self.  I think it's entirely human and most of us do it - unless we do absolutely awesome things and don't need to edit the story for entertainment value.

Why do we feel uncomfortable with the reality of ourselves?  Why do we feel the need to sensationalise something?  Is it a fear of rejection, judgement or boring another?  Is it all three?

Take the photo above; it's a beautiful photo in its original but I felt it needed adjusting and 'improving'.  There's nothing wrong with the original, but somehow the edited version 'fits' better.  Maybe our lives are a little like that  - there's nothing wrong with how our lives are but we feel a need to adjust them for the benefit of others so we 'fit' better.

Sometimes I should take a deep breath and realise if people don't like the original then maybe that is down to their perception than my quality as a human.  I 'fit' fine, just the way I am.

Peace.

P.S Here's the original.

What Dreams May Come

I dreamt last night that it was about 18 months ago.  I was in the middle of doing self harm again and my world was collapsing around me.  I woke up in a cold sweat and had to re-orientate myself and find comfort from my surroundings and the girl I love next to me, sleeping peacefully.

It wasn't dreaming about self harming that particularly disturbed me, but my mental state.  In the dream I am confused and crying and unable to put together coherent thoughts.  I am a complete mess and tumbling down a rather dark hole. It was scary.

But, I am no longer self harming; I am no longer in a place of despair; I am no longer drowning in darkness.  I have physical scars and emotional scars, but those scars remind me I am alive and I am healing.

If you have dreams that plunge you into darkness, may you know the comfort of the dawn.
If you are scarred and ashamed of what those scars represent, may you know the soothing presence of healing.
If you are anxious and afraid, may you find peace and the fear driven away.

She

She grins when I lean over and kiss her because the little things are major things.
She bites her lip when she looks at me because she finds me adorable.
She looks over her glasses at me when she mockingly tells me off.
She squeezes my hand when holding it just to let me know she is there.

She is someone who accepts me for who I am and what I have done in the darkness and the light,.  She doesn't condemn or patronise me but accepts me for me.  She adores me because she has a love unconditional and pure and perfect.  Perfect love drives away all fear and I fear nothing when with her.  My only fear would be that I would disappoint her and not be the man I strive to be when with her.

She won't fight with me but will turn away when I try to push her buttons.
She has an opinion I cannot sway and will happily fight her corner.
She doesn't believe in airy fairy love, but hard fought, growing and enduring love.
She likes to be treated and loved but doesn't expect me to be a man who gives gifts out of obligation.

She sees me.

She loves me,

She respects me.

She.

Real Love

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you – and a stick out handle?”  “REAL isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse – “It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time – not just to play with – but REALLY loves you, then you become real.”  “Does it hurt?” asked the rabbit.  “Sometimes,” said the skin horse – for he was always truthful “When you are REAL, you don’t mind being hurt.”  “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up” he asked – “or bit by bit?”  “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the skin horse.  -  “You become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily – who sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are REAL, – most of your hair has been loved off – your eyes drop out – you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because, once you are REAL you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”  “I suppose you are REAL?” said the Rabbit.  And then he wished he had not said it – for he thought the skin horse might be sensitive – But the skin horse only smiled.  “The Boy’s Uncle made me REAL,” he said.  “That was a great many years ago – but once you are REAL you can’t become unreal again.”   
The Velveteen Rabbit  Margery Williams (1881-1944)

Love is a strange contradiction of being beautifully ugly.  It's not always pretty.  What is wonderful about it is how unconditional love means you are real with that special person.  You have removed your mask and as you love and are loved, more and more of the false pretense is chipped away.  As the falsity is chipped away, you may find other bits of yourself are chipped away too.

But, that is what makes unconditional love so utterly transfixing.  We should always be evolving and adapting to the world around us and in the lives we live.  As we share a journey with another they will hopefully help us to become the person we want to be and can be.  It means facing ugly truths at times and it means parts of ourselves we cling on to are torn from us.  This can create a wound, but from that wound comes healing.  There will be a scar but the scar reminds us of what was once there but no longer is.

I carry scars from the past, but in my current journey with the girl I love these scars remind me of how far I have come and evolved and grown as a person.  I have learnt some difficult truths, but these truths have enabled me to be a better partner, a better man for the woman I love and care for.  I have learnt that in order to truly love, you need complete integrity with yourself.  I used to look in the mirror and hate what I saw, but Carmen, my friends, great therapy and honesty with myself has enabled me to look confidently at my reflection and find peace in what I see.

We are not a finished product.  We are beautifully ugly.

Waste of Space

"You're a waste of space."

Words are powerful. Words are liberating.  Words can be damaging.

It is incredible what words can do and how much power they can hold.  We should step carefully with the words we use because they have the potential to build us up or tear us apart.  We can flippantly say something, but its impact can be far reaching and disabling.

I think a lot and analyse everything.  Anything said to me can stay with me and I'll chew it over and over and over.  I'll break down each word of the sentence and look for something deeper - something hidden.  I'll evaluate the tone of voice, the speed it was said and the look in the eyes.  It sounds obsessive but it's like I'm wired that way.

Someone called me a waste of space the other day and I was amazed at its impact.  It knocked me off balance and I felt myself shrink slightly.  I KNOW I'm not a waste of space and I am confident of who I am and what I am capable of.  What words like these do though is allow The Intruder a little doorway in.  He's able to wrap his bony fingers around the door and open it slightly.  I can see his putrid breath coming out of the ajar door I have locked him behind and whispering the words, "waste of space," again and again like a sick little mantra.  Occasionally he interjects this amusing (to him) mantra with stabbing reminders of where I have failed despite my words to suggest otherwise.

How's your book?  Not published yet?
Thought you were advancing your career?
Still taking happy pills?

I am happy with so many aspects of my life and I know I'm happy because I'm not trying to be happy.  I am loved and cared for; I am understood; I am accepted; I am appreciated; I'm in love with a wonderful girl.  The Intruder reminds me though of what I have failed to achieve and words like those spoken the other day make me wobble in my own self belief.  I don't want to be the guy who tried to make his dreams come true but fell to earth and saw his dreams shatter in the fall.

I want to fly to those dreams and soar with them.

Words can be powerful.

Tread carefully with your words for they hold the power to build or destroy.

Peace. x

The Race

Breathless.  Every sinew feels like it is about to burst.  My chest is tight and my heart is pounding.  I want to give up and stop; I want to collapse and allow my body to crumple.  I can't though; I mustn't.  Failure because of fatigue is the mentality of a loser.  Collapsing because your body is screaming to stop is the mark of a person with no will and no endurance.  When your mind and body informs you that you can travel no further you must not believe the insipid lies.  There is always a bit more in you, there is always a reserve tank and you must not give up.

Failure.

It is the motivating word.  It drives you to smash such a word into smithereens and cast it into oblivion.  Failure does not exist and will never exist in my world.  If I fall down then I have given in and allowed the lies to creep in and stab me in the brain.  It won't happen - I am not a product of past failures and disappointments.

Breathless.  My body is screaming for me to stop and move to a place of rest.  I cannot rest I cannot stop.  I need to reach my goal before my body is too old and my mind too weak.  I have to push myself beyond everything I have ever known because in the blink of an eye and the click of a finger I will be sitting in a chair, staring out a window trying to remember who I am and what I achieved.  I will be that man who shares stories about what he once did and how good he once was.  I will be the man who shares the same stories again and again because he only has a handful of stories from things he did fifty years ago.  "When I was in...", "When I worked at...", "I once met..."

Forgotten.

It won't be me and it won't be a word that describes my life.  My gravestone will not be blank or contain a vague quote which may or may not refer to who I was.  So, I must keep running and I must keep pushing myself to the very edge.  Almost the edge of reason.

Breathless.  My mind is screaming to stop.  I am running against myself and I am competing against a phantom of failure.  The phantom glides into my consciousness telling me it won't be long until I can run no more and soon it will be over for me.  Got to keep running and got to reach that goal.

I look down and see.

I am running on the spot.  I am going nowhere.  I am only racing myself.  And who can win in such a race?

Arrogant, Ignorant Views

Cartoon from nakedpastor.com

It's important to debate and discuss as it educates, informs and creates greater understanding of other people and their beliefs and views.  We can be blinkered and only read things we agree with or talk with people who share our ideals.  We become one dimensional though if we do this.

On Saturday night I was stopped by a woman from a Colchester church.  She was handing out leaflets about Jesus and wanted to talk about what I believed.  I was happy to, she was fairly pleasant.  As we talked a friend of hers kept adding comments and snide remarks.  He typified arrogance with his shouting in the street about Jesus and people's need to believe in God.  I tend not to understand this approach; shouting at people with an arrogant assumption that you are utterly right and everyone else is wrong usually makes you look like a git.

I'm a patient person and it takes a lot to make me angry, but this guy pushed all the right buttons to make me lose it.  When I said I was an atheist he said I couldn't have ever been a Christian.  I challenged him and said how dare he make such an assumption.  He didn't know me and had no knowledge of my past and of what I used to believe and do.  

He asked the usual questions about being 'baptised in the Holy Spirit' and whether I used to speak in tongues (an angelic language some Christians speak whilst praying).  When I affirmed I experienced these things he then said I must have been a "false prophet."  It's been a few years since I've become so angry, but after that comment I was definitely close to punching the guy.

I think it's disgraceful that someone who is meant to be a representative of the Church believes he can say something so potentially harmful with little or no concern of its impact.  He didn't seem take what he said seriously too.  I worked with a lot of people in the time I was a Christian and listened to many people's hopes, fears and dreams.  My home was always open to those who needed a listening ear or shoulder to cry on.  I worked for a charity that helps thousands of young people.  For this idiot to call me a false prophet was attempting to undermine my integrity because of his arrogance and ignorance.

If god does exist I'm sure this guy's approach was not what he would want.  It's people like this who caused me to walk away from the Church because instead of seeing acceptance, I saw judgement; instead of listening there was shouting; instead of openness, there were closed minds.  

Peace.

Spiritually Crippled

The world moves too quickly.  People operate at a pace which is dominated by stress and depression.  No wonder Britain is a nation full of people on anti-depressants, downers, uppers and binge drinking.  As a nation we're spiritually crippled.  So many of us don't know what we believe or have a clue or a desire to maybe get to the bottom of what it all means to be human.

There needs to be times of peace, contemplation and stillness.

We need to understand the legacy and tradition religion and spirituality has instilled on us as a human race.  We need to understand it because it's important to know where you stand.  It improves emotional intelligence.  I see so many people rushing around in their lives and they are dominated by 'doing' life, without taking moments to understand what it means to 'be' alive.  We're consumed by impatience.

I believe Easter is significant because it does highlight the need to step back and reflect.  Jesus lived in a time when I'm sure the streets were bustling and people were literally pushing and shoving to get his attention.  He used to take time out to pray and contemplate; he made time to be still.  It's a vital lesson for us all.

Put down your phone, turn off your computer, silence the television and understand who you are.  Take time in your own company without the noise and madness.  Are you depressed?  Allow your mind to find stillness and peace by taking a walk.  Are you anxious?  Sit down, close your eyes and listen to the rhythm of your heart.

My goodness, no wonder we're exhausted; we don't actually embrace what it is to be human.  We're controlled by technology and money.  We're robots impersonating humans.  This is not how we were meant to be.

You are human.

Stop.

Breathe.

Live.

Peace.    

Relapse of Depression

Depression is not having a bad day; it is not being in a mood and waiting to get out of it.  Depression is an illness that must be monitored and managed.  It's not like a headache that will eventually go away after taking a couple of pills or lying in a darkened room.  The trouble with depression is that your mind can feel like a dark room and all you want is to experience some light.

My problem is I can grow complacent and believe I'm 'better' (whatever that means) and don't need to pay such close attention to my illness.  I've recently become lax in the regularity I have been taking my medication and when I realised I needed to get back on track it causes problems.

You see, when I miss my medication and then go back on it, it actually causes more severe symptoms of depression as your brain adjusts.  My mistake was to get a bit drunk at the weekend whilst only two days back on to my pills. I can safely say I have almost complete memory loss of that night; the medication mixed with alcohol created a rather obnoxious Tom.

I'm ashamed and I dislike myself for not being more careful, because what it does is not only affect me but others around me.  I'm thankful for loved ones who care for me and support me.

But.

It isn't an illness that has to win or seep its foul stench into my every being.  I, in fact, have the power to control it and not be defined my it.  Stupidity allows the Intruder a way in.  Wisdom allows Tom to be who people know me to be.

Peace.

Why I'm an Atheist

I don’t believe in atheism. What I mean by that is, I don’t believe atheism is a universal truth. I don’t believe atheism has all the answers and the non-existence of god is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I do believe in integrity though, and being true to yourself and what you believe.

I was a Christian and a very passionate Christian at that.  I was able to preach to large groups of people about God and how amazing he is.  I truly believed god was amazing and could do life changing things.  I really felt he had changed my life and I was on a new path, with a new life, with new hopes and new dreams.  I thought Jesus was one hell of a bloke and I still look at Jesus and find him a superb example of what it means to be a human being.  Jesus is a great example of how to live, but also his anguish at the exploitation of the poor and marginalised is so appropriate for the way society is at the moment. 

There is a “but” though.

Over four years of being a Christian I was always left with a niggling doubt.  An itch I couldn’t quite scratch.  Something like a knot in your stomach that doesn’t quite go away and ends up growing and wrapping itself around you.  It was to do with prayer.  Why weren’t my prayers answered?  It, at first, felt like God was hearing my prayers but maybe answering them differently to what I expected.  It then felt like I was making excuses for God’s silence by believing his inaction made a better result.  Over time though I just felt like god wasn’t answering and didn’t really care.  And then it felt like I was saying these prayers which were drifting up into a vast expanse of emptiness.  Ultimately I didn’t see prayer working and it made me wonder if there was even a god there listening to me.  If god didn’t care about me, why should I care about him?

For me, I am an atheist because I feel I have no choice. I felt so disillusioned by god’s silence I actually found more peace in thinking that if god isn’t there then I don’t need to pray and get disappointed if he doesn’t answer. 

I also found disbelief more of a peaceful route because of how some people within the Church treated me.  There were a few who made me feel less of a person and who upset me and hurt me. I felt judged.  I spent time away from the Church and met people who loved me for who I was, with all the scars and tears and pain I carry.  They loved me unconditionally.  An unconditional love I expected from some people within the Church, but never got.

I do believe many in the Church give unconditional love but they don’t have the monopoly on it and it got me thinking that either god shares his love freely throughout all people or maybe people simply have an innate ability to love each other just the way they are. 

I chose the second option because I found more peace in it.  My girlfriend loves me simply because it’s me. She knows my past pains and present struggles.  She understands my future worries and my distant dreams. She loves me because she loves me, no more, no less.  I get physical comfort from her when I am low and I get emotional comfort too.  I guess god became too abstract, distant and silent. I prayed to him and felt I got no answer, no hug, no tears wiped away from my eyes. Only recently I was upset and asked where he was and silence boomed back.

I don’t think atheism will ever become the dominant belief system in the world because it doesn’t have all the answers. I don’t even know if I agree with a lot of what atheists say! I am an atheist because I feel, through life experience, god doesn’t exist. 

I must admit, I’d happily be proved wrong though…

I Believe

I believe in love – unconditionally.

I believe in giving people a chance to be the best they can.

I believe in the enduring power of humanity.

I believe we are a people who have lost our identity.

I believe we have been seduced by materialism and are realising the illusion it really is.

I believe we have a government which is concerned with the rich getting richer and has no grasp of the difficulties people face at grass root level.

I believe (and hope) the banking system in Britain will collapse and you will no longer be in this evil system’s clutches.

I believe communities will flourish when we realise our home isn’t our castle, but a place of welcome, love and refuge. 

I believe people need peace and ways to find it.

I believe life is beautiful and we must absorb the smallest things around us instead of being consumed by needless worry.

I believe in love.

You. Are. Being. Watched

Apparently Britain has the most CCTV cameras in the world.  Apparently the average person is captured over 300 times a day.  We are being watched and monitored and scrutinised in our daily lives.  Now the issue of whether these ‘preventive measures’ actually reduce crime or displace crime is contentious, but what I do know is these cameras make me feel very uncomfortable.  It highlights how we are in a society that does not trust, builds an atmosphere of fear and reduces humanity to pixelated images on a screen.

Fear creates fear.  Violence creates violence.  Suspicion creates suspicion. 

The tabloids shrieks in their headlines that each day you’re likely to be mugged, murdered or molested.  The Government want to tighten its grip around our throats and squeeze the voice of reason from us.  Muffle us and marginalise us.

When did we become so afraid of our own shadow?  Only the other day a colleague of mine got worried about giving a customer a plaster just in case she wasn’t allowed.  That may seem absurd, but we are watched in our every move, we get worried about the smallest action

I long for the day when we understand community again and aren’t afraid of fellow man and woman.  I long for the day when people are given the power to decide what’s good for them.  I long for the day when government guides us and empowers us, not controls us. 

Love creates love. Hope creates hope. Faith creates faith.

Trust Me

I trust you.  I believe in you.

Unfortunately the word trust appears synonymous with the word naive.  To trust someone is seen as a little silly because ultimately others are out to get you and figuratively screw you over.  I'm saddened by this assumption because it places so many misconceptions on others.

I'm not in the game of trying to deceive others and get what I can from them to the detriment of their happiness.  I'm sure you're not either; so why should everyone else be?

"They won't help you."
"Put some pressure on them and then you might get somewhere."
"Don't be too honest, it'll be used against you."
"You can only trust yourself."

We all use these (or similar) phrases at times and yes, sometimes they are justified.  Some people are simply on the lookout for easy ways to make their life "better" by taking from others.  We have a government and many off-shoot organisations that seek to exploit us by taking money from us any way possible.  Many places no longer give us customer service; we have to do all the hard work and when they fail to deliver, we are henceforth blamed, even though we are paying THEM money.  So I do understand why we are very tentatively walking in the footsteps of trust.

But, as a vast amount of individuals, we are seeking a community feel, a sense of safety and trust with each other and those around us.  I don't want to live in a world where we accuse and doubt all the time.  I don't want to find the creeping sensation of mistrust crawling through my stomach.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt because I know most people would like to do the same.  At work, if a customer forgets to bring cash (we don't accept cards), I'm happy to send them up the road to get some money and then come back.  99% of the time they do.

In New Zealand, the hostel owner at a place we stayed let me borrow her truck to drive into the village and get some beers and food.  She'd known me for a few hours.  There was a natural sense of trust for others.  Some may find this absurd, but I find it wonderful.  I find it uplifting.

Sometimes we need to listen to our instincts (our 'gut') because most of the time people don't have a secret agenda; those who do I tend to find my 'gut' gives me warning signals to be a bit more careful.

Trust those around you more.  Do you even know the names of your neighbours?  They're probably lovely people.  Get to know them.  Trust them.  We know our neighbours, talk with them, help them out if we can. It builds a wonderful sense of community and BUILDS trust too.

Do Not Worry

Worry, worry, worry.  It has been a thing which has plagued me in life.  It has been a twisted vine round my throat, that has squeezed more as I have tried to fight it.  The more I have tried to expel demonic thoughts of worry from my mind, the more it has choked the life from me.  I have filled my head with soothing mantras about not worrying about tomorrow, as it looks after itself and worry is simply the fatalistic conclusion of something that hasn't happened yet.  No matter what I have done though, I have worried more; I have been in my bed, wide awake and consumed by the horrific knot of worry in my stomach.

I know I ma not alone; we all worry at times and some of us more than others.  It has amazed me as to how some people appear unfazed by anything.  I know we all wear masks at times and what happens when the door is closed and no-one can see you dramatically differs from outside appearances.

In today's climate of financial difficulties, many of us live hand to mouth and hope, even pray, a bill doesn't come through the door we didn't plan for.  Financial concerns have definitely caused more of us to worry more regularly.  That, in turn, affects personal relationships; you find you cannot provide emotional awareness of loved ones because your mind is overwhelmed by bills, bank charges and rising living costs.  Our greed in the West has truly bitten us in the arse and now we all (well, apart from the elite and protected rich) are feeling the consequences and having to work out what the future will bring.

The trouble is, when you're consumed by worry, long term planning and optimism isn't much of an option, because how can you look beyond when the present is fogging your vision and clouding your judgement?  You find the little things in life, which usually bring peace and joy seem trivial and pointless.  I'm not simply referring to money worries here, but family problems, work issues, personal struggles.  When we are taken over by the niggling, incessant rash of worry, we are left helpless and mentally impotent.

There is always light daringly breaking through though.  There is always help smashing through the walls and thrusting a hand out for you to hold on to.

I still worry; but I also keep those soothing philosophies close to hand to stem the tide and potential tsunami of panic.  Worry has so often taken over because I have been unwilling to share those worries and seek the calming influence of others.  A friend reminded me tonight that when you say something, you give words power and existence.  I have worried recently and when I have spoken those words of worry to Carmen, she has eased my fears and calmed my emotions.  Not always with wisdom or knowledge, but by simply listening.

Find someone and speak with them.  Their attention and time given to you to simply listen lifts the worry and allows the light of day to bring more clarity.  You are not a lone traveller.

Peace.

Home

It’s been over two years since I have had a place to call home.  I have had many places that have acted as a base to sleep and eat, but my heart was still searching for a home.  Circumstances where you have to move regularly make you desperately aware how important it is to have a place that is comforting, emotionally safe and peaceful. 

After moving into a small one bedroom apartment just over two years ago, I was hoping it would be a quirky little pad, which I could feel at home in.  I definitely had moments where it felt just that and I did look forward to going back and being in my little space.  But, it always felt temporary; it wasn’t somewhere I believed would be suitable to provide longevity.  And when I sank into rather dark moments I found my ‘home’ was more of a prison.  I was alone, in a place which felt isolated and oppressive.  It became a stark reminder that I was not good on my own and need people around me; sitting on my own in a small place magnified my depression and I spiralled in a whirlwind of self-destruction and suicidal moments.  I made poor decisions and didn’t help myself in any way.

From a lonely apartment I went into a house share and starkly it magnified how I had no home.  House shares can be a good way to live for financial reasons but what does happen is it makes you realise you are living in someone else’s home.  I felt as if I was invading a person’s space and what actually happened was my bedroom became my refuge.  I lived in my room and thus from living in an apartment I ended up living in a bedroom.  I felt like a failure because in the space of two years I had gone from having a marriage and mortgage and lived in a lovely house, to renting a room and being deep in depression.  I was far from settled and resenting the life I had.

It’s easy to make rash decisions and it’s easy to latch on to anyone or anything.  In the past couple of years I have done just that and it’s caused problems.  I saw I needed to re-orientate my thinking and lifestyle.  I needed to get into a place of balance and quite honestly didn’t really know how I was going to do it. I moved back to my parents’ to simply get amongst family and friends again.  I was lonely and, at times, wanting to die.  I felt like a waste of space and useless.

In the past sixth months though, things have drastically changed and it amazes me.  It has showed me that life can massively improve with a bit of good fortune and a massive desire to turn things around.  I’m now living in a lovely apartment with a beautiful girl, who loves me and accepts me for who I am, with all the emotional and physical scars I bear.  I’m healing and my depression is under control.  My medication has been reduced and suicidal thoughts have been locked away.

And what about home?  I have a home.  I have a place, we have a place, which is wonderful.  We look forward to going home and resting in each other’s company.  We feel so blessed to be living where we are and I am very, very happy.  Home is somewhere in which it is about emotional security and also finding peace. 

Welcome Home.