Home

It’s been over two years since I have had a place to call home.  I have had many places that have acted as a base to sleep and eat, but my heart was still searching for a home.  Circumstances where you have to move regularly make you desperately aware how important it is to have a place that is comforting, emotionally safe and peaceful. 

After moving into a small one bedroom apartment just over two years ago, I was hoping it would be a quirky little pad, which I could feel at home in.  I definitely had moments where it felt just that and I did look forward to going back and being in my little space.  But, it always felt temporary; it wasn’t somewhere I believed would be suitable to provide longevity.  And when I sank into rather dark moments I found my ‘home’ was more of a prison.  I was alone, in a place which felt isolated and oppressive.  It became a stark reminder that I was not good on my own and need people around me; sitting on my own in a small place magnified my depression and I spiralled in a whirlwind of self-destruction and suicidal moments.  I made poor decisions and didn’t help myself in any way.

From a lonely apartment I went into a house share and starkly it magnified how I had no home.  House shares can be a good way to live for financial reasons but what does happen is it makes you realise you are living in someone else’s home.  I felt as if I was invading a person’s space and what actually happened was my bedroom became my refuge.  I lived in my room and thus from living in an apartment I ended up living in a bedroom.  I felt like a failure because in the space of two years I had gone from having a marriage and mortgage and lived in a lovely house, to renting a room and being deep in depression.  I was far from settled and resenting the life I had.

It’s easy to make rash decisions and it’s easy to latch on to anyone or anything.  In the past couple of years I have done just that and it’s caused problems.  I saw I needed to re-orientate my thinking and lifestyle.  I needed to get into a place of balance and quite honestly didn’t really know how I was going to do it. I moved back to my parents’ to simply get amongst family and friends again.  I was lonely and, at times, wanting to die.  I felt like a waste of space and useless.

In the past sixth months though, things have drastically changed and it amazes me.  It has showed me that life can massively improve with a bit of good fortune and a massive desire to turn things around.  I’m now living in a lovely apartment with a beautiful girl, who loves me and accepts me for who I am, with all the emotional and physical scars I bear.  I’m healing and my depression is under control.  My medication has been reduced and suicidal thoughts have been locked away.

And what about home?  I have a home.  I have a place, we have a place, which is wonderful.  We look forward to going home and resting in each other’s company.  We feel so blessed to be living where we are and I am very, very happy.  Home is somewhere in which it is about emotional security and also finding peace. 

Welcome Home.