Back on the Pills

So, I'm back on my medication. It was a difficult decision to make because I had gone through the long process of slowly coming off them and being stable and at peace without the need for medication. I have been on anti-depressants for over four years but still have this niggling sensation of it being a stigma although I know it isn't justified to feel this way.

I had felt a sense of freedom of being able to wake up each day without needing to pop a pill to stabilise my mood. I had felt the tight chords of darkness release their grip and allow me to breathe again. I had felt the wonderful sense of achievement of making a coice of whether the bleak despair has a say or the bright sense of optimism.

But, sometimes there's no stopping the train of depression. Sometimes it's not possible to fight of the feelings of disgust and self loathing. In those moments, no amount of 'PMA' or desperate hope that my mood will lift will actually make any difference. Sometimes there is a need to say, "Enough," and admit the absolute need for help. I went too long pretending I was okay and I would snap out of it. I went too long going through massive highs and lows, believing this was normal and sane. This time though, I saw the signs and swept aside pride and social stigma and made a choice.

I need the pills because it's not a simple case of snapping out of it. It's not a simple case of 'manning up.' It's not about seeing what happens. When you have an overwhelming desire to harm yourself, you know you need outside help and support. When the desire to harm yourself means you need someone by your side to ensure you don't do anything stupid, you know you need help.

So I am happy to be back on medication because it's okay to be vulnerable and it is okay to say, "I can't do this on my own."

Peace. X