Ah, that delightful temptation seeps through my veins like a thick syrup. It oozes through my being clogging my system and seductively envelops me in a toxic hug. It whispers sweetly in my ear inviting me in, reassuring me that this is the path to take; this is the road to freedom. It feels intoxicating and I am almost drunk on the promises being massaged into my mind. I am under a spell and I feel myself being pulled deeper and deeper into a dark and dangerous place. I am becoming a slave.
Small voices of despair try to break through but they are muffled and censored behind a more powerful and inviting voice. A voice which reassures me this route brings relief and it brings liberation. The muffled voices cry out in protest and sob in utter horror, but I cannot really hear them because I don't want to hear them. Their voices invoke fear but the other voice brings calm clarity. The voices of despair smash themselves against their prison walls, screaming to be heard but the walls are growing thicker and their voices more distant.
"It is futile," whispers my seducer. I nod in agreement. It is futile. I am spellbound.
Its smooth, cold perfection feels light and easy in my grip. It is like an extension of me because I use it everyday with such skill and ease. Why wouldn't I connect it with myself? It's like an artist's brush or a musician's instrument; you give your everything to it and it, in turn, becomes part of you. I anticipate the first cut in a long time and it feels exhilarating.
"NO!"
A muffled voice has broken free.
"You are loved. You are better. You are stable. You are of worth."
I hesitate.
"You are not fucked up to do this anymore. It's not just you you will be cutting, but those around you."
The seductive voice of self harm has lost her power and I can walk another day without new cuts that would become scars. I can walk another day knowing I do not loathe myself.
I like myself.
Bloody hell, there's even days where I love myself.
Peace.
Like you, I am a twin. Like you, I am an atheist. Like you, my twin holds strong religious beliefs. I have been trying to find research on twins and the likelihood of twins having differing views on religion (what factors influence this difference). It's interesting to have found that my sister and I are not the only twins with contrasting religious belief systems. I look forward to reading some of your (and your brother's) blogs.
ReplyDelete~Janice Desroches (Winona, Ontario Canada)
Fascinating that there is another set of twins out there with similar beliefs. It creates a really interesting dynamic to our relationship, but hasn't caused us to drift. We're very close. How has it affected you guys?
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