Scream

It's like having something scratch at your brain constantly and slowly; the irritation becomes more and more as the hours, days and weeks go by.  The inky darkness slowly envelops your mind, pushing out light and suffocates you.

"How are you?"
"I'm fine," you say whilst your mind is screaming.

It's hard to explain to others how it feels to be consumed by depression.  Most people have 'off days' where things haven't gone right and makes you feel low and annoyed.  It's hard to comprehend though the feeling of everything being out of kilter.  It's the realisation that you aren't in the room and you're slightly floating above your body.  There are many times when I completely zone out and don't hear or see anything going on around me; when I 'come back' it scares me that I was able to go completely blank.

The horrible sensation of being cloaked in darkness is a constant fear and it robs me of liberty.  When I feel good and on the path of healing I worry about when I will next go downhill and self-harm.  It's a vicious circle because when I'm good I worry about when I'm not and when I'm bad and harm myself I then sink deeper into despair for harming myself.

I find I am talking to someone and all I want to do is scream, go home, close the curtains and hide.

I am blessed to have a partner who comforts, consoles and cares for me.  She gently helps me to heal, does not judge and unconditionally loves me.  That is what keeps me going and reminds me that my life is one to be cherished.