I had a dream the other day about self harming and how I was doing it again. I woke up feeling ashamed and depressed; the knot in my stomach was twisting and turning. I didn't want to forget what has happened in the past, even though I was ashamed of it all. To forget past pain and moments of utter despair where I hurt myself would actually cause me to forfeit an element of my personality. Our memories very much define who we are and shape us into the people we are today.
That time I cried and sobbed so much I thought it wouldn't stop is part of what makes me Tom. It is a reminder that I am deeply emotional and the tears were healing and redemptive and even though I was mentally battered and bruised I found peace through the tears; I always want to remember that.
That time I cut myself repeatedly out of utter disgust for who I am is a piece that slots into the picture of my life. The scars remind me that I am no longer filled with self-loathing and redemption does indeed come. Scars of hate are now scars to remind me of healing; I always want to remember that.
The time I couldn't get out of bed and needed the room to be dark because the thought of seeing the outside world was terrifying. It is a reminder that I do leave the house now and I engage with the world. I run a restaurant and have a wonderful social life. I am not locked away in darkness but loved by Carmen and walk proudly down the road with her. I always want to remember that.
You are not a victim of your past but a product of it. Therefore ensure you do not try to run away from it but allow its lessons to shape you in the present.
Peace. x
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