Who Are You?

When you're in the middle of a particularly dark moment of your mental illness you fail to understand how it's affecting the people around you.

For me, I thought I was 'me', and behaving as I always did. In fact, I was putting so much strain on the people who love me and making their lives difficult and strained. Chatting with my best friend Flo tonight, she was saying how lovely it was to have the real Tom back. She has been finding it so tough dealing with me and was getting freaked out by me. I was intense and extreme and obviously trying to find ways to push the limits in every way possible. I was drinking heavily and was so intense it was tough to be around me.

Now I am so much more stable and balanced. She was so happy tonight because I am at peace with myself and positive and, well, someone who is accessible and not a bit of a loony. In all seriousness, I am in a place of stability; I am looking at the light shining into my life and soaking it up and feeling energised by the power it is bringing.

I was in a place of self-destruct. I was in a place of extremes. I was ready to go down in flames.

Now. Now I see my life in the beautiful array of colours it has to offer. Now I see how much hope and love and joy and peace life has to offer. Now I understand the wonder of simply 'being'.

I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to race for. I will embrace my life and the possibilites it has to offer.

Come with me. Share the journey.

Share the journey in disbelief that you are not worth a damn. Share the journey in the belief you are spectacular and made to be loved and embraced as the beautiful person you are.

Peace. x

You are Wonderful

Don't ever believe you're not worth the love you bring. You are so worth it. You are wonderful in the love you share. You are a beautiful person who gives so much love and care. Don't believe the lies that you are not a good person. You are special and unique and true. You. Are. Amazing.

Remember how much you dream of making someone feel special and loved and cared for. You are truly special.

Peace. x

Another Day, Another Dawn

The past few days have been strange. They have been rather liberating. They have confirmed in me that I am on a journey to belief in myself. Mine and Abi's divorce is official. She is no longer my wife in the official sense. I am no longer her husband. It's bitter sweet. Bitter because we could never make it work as a married couple. We fought for it and we battled to stay together. We communicated, we cried together, we swam against the crippling current to remain married.

Ultimately though we both knew it wasn't meant to be. We were never destined to stay married. I believe we were destined to married for the time we were. But it seems we were never meant to stay together forever. We married in a difficult time. I pulled Abi out of a tough time and helped her find her identity and belief in herself. I helped her understand she is wonderfully made, with amazing talent and such a big heart.

She helped me understand how precious I am. She cared for me and comforted me in my despair as I came to terms with knowing I have depression. She never judged me and always carried me when I felt too weak. She was a wonderful wife. And I am proud to have been married to this amazing woman and I wish for her (and her future baby) a life of love and joy.

I feel excited for her future and excited for mine also. The divorce marks the end of a chapter, but the beginning of a new story with tantalising possibilities.

I moved back to my folks today. I've gone to place of comfort and security. I'm near my family and dear, dear friends. It's like I can assess my life and really reach for the stars. I have hope and expectation and excitement about the future, because I know my gifts and talents are unique. I know I am ready to love and be loved. I am able to see life with another in all its splendour. I see the potential for something fantastic with someone in particular. Who knows? Ultimately though, I am liking Thomas.

It's another day tomorrow, with another dawn and as the sun rises and streams its light across the globe, I want to absorb that energy and blast it into every corner of my life.

What's Your Story?

What's your story?

Is your story one told by others? Is your journey one dictated by the words and actions of another? Is your life lived through the lens which is not your own? Are you like a puppet on a string, unable to dance to your own tune; unable to walk the path you want to walk?

It's time to tell a different story. It's time to open the pages of your own book and write the poetical verses of what make you the person you are.

I have lived too long believing the wrong things. Seeing my reflection in a cracked mirror. The image of me distorted and jagged. I have hated my reflection and not believed I am worth loving or worth living at times. I have cut myself, hurt myself, berated myself. I have been obsessed with the thirst for knowledge. Somehow, the more I know will unlock the bolted door to self love and self worth. I have been in a race with myself as if my time is running out and I'll end up a failure and a disappointment.

But wait. This is not my story. This is not who I am. I am a person of great potential. I already have a wonderful story to tell. My life has physical and emotional scars. These scars tell a story though. As story of fighting for what I am truly worth. A story of perseverance and persistence.

My story is one of hope and expectation; of what dreams may come; of the fire in my eyes and the "smile which lifts people's hearts and lights up a room." My imagination and my dreams tell me I am someone who is worth loving and worth fighting for. My Life's Pages are being written with the dare to dream and seek a life of utter joy and serenity.

What's your story?

Let it be one of hope. Let it be written by you. Cut the strings - do not be another's puppet. Be who you were created to be. Wonderful. Unique. Beautiful. Bold. Loved. Loving. Cared for. Caring.

May the shards of the mirror restore into a clear reflection of you and may you love what you see.

Take Me

Take me as you find me, I am here and exposed.
You know me, and we're here in this life we chose.
Look at the way our life is madly sublime,
We're on a journey and by god we have the time

To be at peace

And in passion.

Take me as you find me, you see me in the purest light,
You understand my pain and wish to hold me through the night.
Look into my eyes and see the utter joy you bring,
And let's breathe in each other's song to sing

Of peace

And of passion.

Take me as you find me.
I will hold your near.
Never, ever fear.
I am always here.

Time to Soar

Through all the muck and grime; the pain and despair; the self-loathing and the self-pity; the darkness and mental paralysis, it can begin to feel rather hopeless. The mind is a powerful thing and can make you believe lies over truth; pessimism over optimism.

I've been learning a different story. I've been travelling a different journey recently. I see myself differently. A phoenix from the ashes. My Intruder is not having the last laugh or holding residence in my mind.

I spent a week in Devon with my amazing twin bro and his family. I breathed their hope and love. I absorbed their optimism and utter embracing of life and all it has to offer. I gained clarity about what makes me alive and passionate.

I know I can make it as a writer. I know I have a lot of love to give. I know life is shitty and throws curve balls to knock us off balance. BUT. I know that is what makes life, well, life. Someone special said how she knows something is different when you have those struggles but basically want to overcome them and see it through. It's true; you know your mentality has changed when you say "no" to hopelessness and defeat. It's feeling alive and feeling that hope about so many elements to your life. It's enchanting.

A wonderful verse in the Bible says, "and you will renew your strength and soar on wings like eagles."

It's time to soar.

Peace. x

Panthea

Nay, let us walk from fire unto fire,
From passionate pain to deadlier delight,--
I am too young to live without desire,
Too young art thou to waste this summer night
Asking those idle questions which of old
Man sought of seer and oracle, and no reply was told.

For, sweet, to feel is better than to know,
And wisdom is a childless heritage,
One pulse of passion--youth's first fiery glow,--
Are worth the hoarded proverbs of the sage:
Vex not thy soul with dead philosophy,
Have we not lips to kiss with, hearts to love and eyes to see!

From Panthea by Oscar Wilde

Colours of my World

Flashforward is a show about the entire world having a two minute glimpse into their future. Everyone has a flashforward of the same date. It's a wonderful show about free will and fate; about choices and nihilism; about philosophy and theology; about love and sacrifice.

Characters grapple with knowing what their future is. Some try to fight it, whilst others sink into hopelessness, believing the sands are running out. Time is but a cruel device, painfully ushering in their moment of misery.

What about my future?

Sometimes I'd like a flashfoward. I'm impatient and want to know if certain dreams will become reality. But most of me is glad of the unknown. A year ago I had a very different vision for the future. It was a vision built on uneven ground and unsafe foundations. It was a vision of naive and also ignorant aspirations. It was not wrapped in the integrity and dream-like qualities which usually govern my life. I am glad it never came into being.

Now?

Now I have a different vision. It is blurry and hazy, but in a beautiful way. It is like hundreds of colours of paint being poured into a tank of water.

The colours float and drift and merge. The sunlight reflects off the water and enhances the stunning spectrum. There is no clear picture; it is enchanting chaos. But begin to look closely. Look at the paint filled water as though you were a child. As if you are lying on your back looking at the sky and seeing shapes in the clouds.

As you stare at the tank you start to see different shapes and images. That's how I see my future; beautifully unclear but starting to make out various, enthralling images.

I'm in a moment of hope and expectation. My creative side is flourishing and I hope it will evolve into a full-time pursuit.

I'm also connecting with people in a new way. Someone has particularly astounded me and it's so wonderful. It's like slotting pieces together and then stepping back to slowly see the bigger picture. It's hopeful.

And in all this I am getting clarity about me. And I have the dream-like hope for my life. It's pure and full of imagination.

La Vita Nuova

La Vita Nuova. The New Life.

I hear, so often, of people saying they're doing a fresh start. A new chapter starts here. This week everything is going to change. I do it. We all have at some point, I guess. It's like tearing the pages out of a journal, forgetting the past entries and starting your journey again.

We get knocked down. We get punched in our heart. We get our safety, our security, our happiness torn from our hands. We're left naked and bruised. Bloody and confused.

No. Time for a new start, a new life, a new chapter where this situation doesn't have the last word. We want to forget.

I don't want to forget though. I don't want to tear the pages of my life from my Life's Book and throw them into the fire. I want to keep them and look back at them. Not because of self pity or a desire to sink into deep, dark melancholy. No, I look back to learn and grow. I look back to understand what it means to be Thomas, Tom, Tommy.

La Vita Nuova. A new life means understanding your old life. Your past enables you to live fully in the present and be hopeful for the future.

Life Travelled Together

Not sure where this going, I simply needed to write. It's like a craving; if I don't do it, I won't be able to rest.

I'm currently visiting my twin brother and his family in Devon. It's lovely to get away and be in a house of welcome, warmth and love. I feel at complete ease and part of everything. Not a guest. Part of the family. It's Father's Day and I was given a card and chocolate.

I love watching this beautiful family interact. They love each other so much and have intense amounts of respect for one another. And they deal with their problems together, as a family. There's no secrecy and sense of having to handle it on my own. Island mentality doesn't exist. We're in this together.

So often we view our lives as little worlds, which we have to navigate solely through the tempestuous sea of life. Joe says to me how he hates the British Gas adverts because we're not meant to be isolated from each other. Life should be shared as a community. I always hear people say how the only person you can trust is yourself.

I profoundly disagree with this cynical view because I want to trust in others. I want to share my life. I want others to carry me when I find it too hard to walk; I want others to cry for me when I feel too numb; I want others to laugh for me when sadness envelops me.

Look at what we share collectively and how much more enriching it is. Concerts are much more ecstatic in a large crowd, comedians funnier in an audience. Food bursts with more flavour when in the company of others. When I cook a meal for myself and eat it own my own, I see it as nice tasting food. When I eat a meal with beautiful friends and family, the flavours cascade. All my senses become more enriched. The wine tastes better; the food has more flavour; the tiny sounds of cutlery rattling plates, glasses clinking together; it is all magnified.

We are not meant to travel this strange path of life alone. it is too intriguing; it is too interesting; it is too enchanting.

Moving On

The physical act of moving is having a very real effect on my state of mind. It's like the physical portrayal of how I am wanting to progress in my mind. Moving to a place of safety, stability and serenity.

The man who is wandering through the night with a bag on his back. He's walking along the side of the road. Aware of the passing glare of headlights as people are also journeying to their own places of comfort. The stars are out and reminding him of the thousands of years which have gone before him. He looks at the stars and sees the past and it humbles him; it humbles him to realise his life is but a blip, a micro-moment in the spectacle of this universe's history. His echoing footsteps, the dull, red glow of his cigarette, the scratching of material as his bag rubs against his jacket - they are all wonderful details in an infinite world. And therefore he knows his journey is not one to use in self pity, self importance or melancholy. His journey is part of a hugely complex system of souls and stars. His journey will drift away in the dust, just as so many others who have walked this road.

Therefore, as his feet echo and scratch along the road, he delights in the sound and delights in the fortune to be able to walk this journey. Delight in how he is able to take these steps. Delight in how his journey is a journey to safety, love and warmth. And when he sees the light in the distance. The warm glow of welcome. He smiles.

I know I have so much still to achieve. So much still I want to aspire to. But being able to do those little things (such as moving house to somewhere less lonely) reminds me each step, each foot traveled, is part of a larger, more wonderful path yet to be taken. And it's a path I want to be on.

My Darling

"Darling, I miss you so much. In fact, much too much for my own good. I never realised that you were such an intimate part of my life. My life without you is like a year without a spring time which comes to give illumination and heat to the atmosphere saturated by the dark, cold breeze of winter." Martin Luther King Jr to his wife Coretta.

King writes in his autobiography that within moments of meeting Coretta, he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She had enchanted him. King was a real romantic who was utterly transfixed by the woman he loved.

He wasn't simply a procrastinating dreamer though. This man's legacy still rumbles through history. He fought for justice; he fought for peace; he fought for liberty; he fought for love; he fought for grace; he fought for the freedom of all humanity. The election of Obama ushered in an appreciation of King's dream. A dream which has become reality. He had a dream of utter beauty and battled against forces of hate and oppression to see it bloom into reality.

I look at this daunting figure of a man and am so comforted that throughout his immense rhetoric and oratory brilliance, he was also wonderfully romantic. He believed in love.

I will never be swayed from loving another like nothing else matters. Loving another like each breath depends upon it. Loving another like our hearts are beating in time.

I am inspired because if a legend like King is moved by the fragility of love, we all can be.

'A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.' Oscar Wilde

Seeing Red (A Novel)

I've sent off sample chapters of the novel I'm writing to an agent. Go here to read the first chapter. Here are the next three. I'm interspersing each chapter with the view of Red's (the protagonist) Intruder.

Let me know what you think.

One:

Don’t believe everything he says. I’m not all bad. He doesn’t like it because I reveal the truth. The truth he hates to hear. The truth which confronts him where he has failed. I try to help him see the reality. He dreams a lot you know. He pretends he is more than he really is. Why delude yourself? Why live in a world of fantasy? It’s not helpful. It’s rather pathetic. Yes, I may sound harsh, but we have to wake up one of these days. It’s not my fault he channels his disappointments into hurting himself. it’s simply attention seeking. He doesn’t need to do it. He knows people will pity him and say, “Poor old Red.” Give me a break. He knows the score. He knows if he accepted the cards he has been dealt, it will make his life much more bearable. I’m like a parent, waking him up to the realities of this cynical world. It’s for his own good. I don’t delight in it. I just know if I don’t tell him, then no-one else will. His “friends” feed his ego and give him false hope. That’s cruel. Why try to make him aim for something that will never happen? He can’t do so much of what he believes in. It’s sad to be so blinkered by delusions of grandeur. It’s time to grow up. Life isn’t a Disney movie. There is no happily ever after. Look at the world around us. Look at the broken marriages. Look at the pain and despair. Why place yourself in situations you know will only hurt you? It is odd. I’m here to change that. I didn’t force my way in. I was invited. He calls me The Intruder. Intruders are not welcome. He welcomed me. He asked me in. He had to. I’m like a vampire. I can only cross the threshold once I have been asked to enter. I have many other places I could be. He’s a particularly interesting project though. He really is. I find his ideologies rather endearing. He actually believes in true love and finding that person meant for you. I think he forgets about the practicalities of life. Bills to pay. Work to do. Food to put on the table. They don’t go away. Life doesn’t stop for the romantic idealism of rose tinted relationships. Well, it won’t for him. He’s too needy and perfection seeking. It’s okay, I’m here to help.


Kettle:

I’m standing here, staring at the kettle. I want to make a cup of tea. All I need to do is flick a switch. Shit, is that all I need to do? I can’t; it’s like invisible vines have pushed their way through the floor and entangled me. I’m rooted to the spot. I can’t move and I’m paralysed.

Ever had one of those dreams where you’re being chased by a murky figure? You start to run; you need to get away. No matter how much you will yourself to run like the wind, you can’t. As you try to run it’s like you’re trying to run through water. Your movements are slow and clumsy. Each movement of your legs are painfully unresponsive. You pump your arms harder to make your legs surge into actions. Nothing. Your mind is screaming for you to flee, because you know you can run. You know you are quick. You were speedy at school and you still are. But it’s no use. The murky figure advances. He is relentless. You feel his presence. His breath on your neck. His evil creeping under your skin. You daren’t look back because you know what you’ll see. Black eyes and an ugly grimace, which should be a smile. Those rotten teeth and that putrid breath.

And then you wake up, sweating and shaking.

Well, I’m standing here wanting a comforting cup of tea. I have work in an hour and my day won’t be right if I don’t have my morning cuppa.

My mind is screaming for me to simply flick the switch on. The momentum should then propel me into opening the cupboard, getting a cup, putting the tea bag in and pouring in the boiling water. Pouring that water seems a distant goal. An Everest to climb. Goodness, it sounds rather melodramatic doesn’t it?

I tell myself this. Stop being an idiot. Make yourself a fucking drink. I can’t move though. It’s like my dream. But I can’t wake up. This is my reality. So I scream. I scream at the kettle. I scream at myself. I am a failure. I cannot even do the simplest of tasks. I stop screaming, breathing heavy. Eyes moist form the the emotion. I turn away from the kettle and leave the kitchen. You have a problem and need to confront it. Not now though. Now I have to go to work and be a person of relaxed accessibility. I have to be a person who welcomes all and is wonderfully gregarious.

I look in the mirror and loathe the man I see. I breathe. I smile.

The Great Pretender.

Time to wear the mask and face my audience.

It’s a professional switch. Off and on. Dark and then light. I’ll get to work and entertain the staff with some new jokes. I’ll flirt with the girls and make up some story of antics I got up to the night before. Make them believe I’m the life and soul. They’ll playfully roll their eyes at my hedonism. They’ll call me arrogant. It’s all a game. They love my stories and my relentlessness.

I sometimes believe what I’m saying because, after all, what is reality? What is a dream? Surely my inability to make a cup of tea was a dream? The guy called Red, who is able to flirt and talk his way into any bed is the reality.

The Great Pretender.

Oscar winning performance.

That is what I’ll give to others this morning. I’ll be extra special; Super Red, if you will. Time to put that mask on, walk out the door and leave the darkness behind. It’ll still be there and wrap its tentacles around me when I return home.

Two:

It’s sad really. Have you been taking it in? He’s quite cute really. Making himself into something he isn’t. And believing it too. If only he knew. God, if he knew what people said behind his back. Those ‘girls’ who adore him. I’m not privy to their conversations, but I am observant. I see the twitches in their smiles. I see their eyes not matching their over enthusiastic grins. He knows it too. He secretly knows it at least. He knows they understand he’s a failure. He’s 30 and still trying to live like a 21 year old. They entertain him. They pity him. It’s no harm in their eyes. They might as well encourage him. Who needs to take Red seriously? He’s harmless fun. If they actually took him seriously, they’d want to settle down with him. They’d want to make a life with him. But it’s Red. Who’d seriously want to settle down with him? He’s too erratic. Too intense. He needs to face up to reality. He needs to see life as we all know it. That’s what I’m here for. I’ll help him see the truth. I’ll help him see life without the rose tinted nonsense. That’s why I was invited. Get him back in line. Get him balanced. Great Pretender? It’s not healthy. It’s okay. I’m here now.

Smashing the Glass

It's good when the glass is smashed sometimes. It's good when you see it as it really is. I delude myself often. I see things not as they are but how I would like them to appear. I place my dreams into the reality and somehow think if I wish it enough, it will be reality.

There's no place like home.

But when I've stopped clicking my heels and the red shoes produce no magical power, I have to wake up.

People lie. People let you down. People say things they think you want to hear. I know because I've done it. It's okay though. It's okay because we can all get caught up in the moment. We can all believe what we're saying because the reality is rather unappealing and painful. But, we have to maintain integrity don't we? We have to allow our rose-tinted view to slide and welcome the light and darkness to come through.

Without the darkness, how would we comprehend the light? Without the pain we would not feel the embrace of joy. Without the bullshit we would not be able to identify the truth.

Oscar Wilde writes to truly know a man then give him a mask. In his irony he's right on both sides. We can put a mask on at times in order to give a person a picture of what we want to be; an ideal. A projection of how we'd like others to see us. In a sense the mask is reflecting a future self maybe. A future ideal.

Take away the mask and see the raw brutality of me.

Give me the rawness.

I've had rose-tinted views of others and been very hurt as a consequence. Seeing them in reality would have prepared me for the pain. There would have been no pretense. But their glass has been smashed and I see them in reality and it's liberating.

Blue Valentine

Bitter sweet, beautiful, painful, enchanting, saddening, inspiring, uplifting, heartbreaking.

A film which evokes so many reactions is truly brilliant. I couldn't help relating to so much of it. A film which flits between past and present is not easy viewing. You feel so much joy for the young couple as they fall in love and enjoy the quirky moments and silliness.

You feel so much sadness for this same couple as they are unable to sustain a relationship with so many broken pieces and so many shattered dreams.

Blue Valentine is unflinching in the reality of how love can sometimes fail. Sometimes it simply doesn't work. Sometimes all the dreaming and hope can't hide the fact that it just won't work.

I have been having a really refreshing few days where I have been able to see a little more objectively about my life, my hopes and my dreams. What's important to me and what can wait for now. I need safety and security right now. I have been obsessing over my 'success' as I'm about to turn 30. I'm realising the success will be a place of peace and love for Thomas.

What I want to do is love someone and care for them and have the TIME to be with them and grow with them. A full on career where I'm working tons of hours will not bring me peace, but simply more loneliness. My emotional life is what matters, not my professional life. As I give my mind more room, I know I will come to a place where I know what job I should be doing. I can wait for that.

Watching a film where you see a relationship disintegrate and a couple losing the energy to fight on confirmed what I do find important. Nurturing another and seeing the joy on their face - that's what makes life special.

Sharing the Journey

I spoke at West Mersea Free Church last night. I was invited to share my story about my journey to disbelief. About how I have moved from being a Christian to an atheist. It was strange because almost seven years ago to the day I was baptised in that church. Now I was coming back to talk about what it means to believe there is no god.

It was a really positive night. Good humoured and full of grace and love. I'm not an atheist who hates religion. I love religion and its legacy. There is so much beauty and mysticism surrounding Christianity, we would be arrogant to dismiss it. I appreciate it, but cannot be a part of it.

I'm an atheist who believes in love and its stunning power. I'm an atheist who believes in the beauty of humanity. I'm an atheist who believes in the diversity of belief.

I really enjoyed the evening because not only did I get to share my story, I also heard other people's stories. Their struggles, their pain, their questions, their joy, their love. We all grapple with what it means to be us. We have questions and we have confusion. We also have those who love us and walk the journey with us.

I don't believe god is walking the journey with me, but I am so thankful to all those wonderful people who are. Those who hold my hand, hold me close and let me know this journey isn't one of solitude. Beautiful.

Trudging Through the Slime

We celebrated my parents 40th wedding anniversary on Monday. Lots of people there. We had the party at our local vineyard. It was ironic for me, as this was where I got married. Bitter sweet. A marriage failed; a marriage which has withstood the battering and blasting life gives.

I felt uplifted and proud to be part of a family which shows you can make a relationship work. Joe (my twin bro) blessed my older brother's three children and blessed my mum and dad. It was beautiful to see a son (who is now a reverend) bless his parents in the sight of God, regardless of what you believe. He spoke to us all (the 100 or so) about life being a journey and how that creates us and makes us into the people we are. We should embrace it.

I've had a rough week. I harmed myself again. I saw my journey as one of despair and self-loathing. I wanted more of literal etching on my skin.

But.

I see how my folks have endured absolute shit to be at a place of being able to celebrate their marriage. I see how they are friends. How many of us will have a friend after over 40 years? I am 30 next month and still trying to befriend myself.

We journey in and out of darkness. Grasping for the specks of light which tease us as they glimmer in our sight. We see where we desire to travel and rest our heads and say this is home. We trudge through the inky slime which slows our feet and muddles our brain. But we keep walking, we keep striving, knowing we can get to the shore and put our dirty, heavy feet on something cleansing and free.

I see my parents and how they have dragged each other through the depths of hell and turned their backs on the hellish.

I will keep trudging through the sludge. I will trip up and I will find my head underwater. But I have the fight and the will to lift my head above water, breathe in the air and find the shore to rest my head and laugh at the joy of the pure air I breathe.