My past few posts are questions surrounding my search for identity. Next question:
Who are the closest people in your life?
You gain real clarity in your life when you are in an extremely dark place. It's a paradox. For me I found new depths of despair last year. I wanted to die (and that is literal, not philosophical - I was suicidal). I had a particularly bad day and it ended unpleasantly with my usual need for escapism by trying to drown out the emotions with alcohol. Unfortunately it aided a deeper darkness and I hit rock bottom. I hurt myself.
Coming out of the cloud the next day a small number of people entered my mind of who I wanted to contact and help me. People I realised I relied on and needed in my life. Over that week and beyond they have been like life support machines. They probably don't even know how much good they do, but when flashes of darkness inject into my brain, knowing my Life Supporters are there in person or on the phone, keeps me sane.
I get very lonely and very critical of who I am. I tend to feel worthless and like a failure. I battle with feeling like I'm a burden on others and not worth knowing. My Life Supporters always remind me I am a great friend. I am really funny. I am a lot of fun to be with. I am smart. I am a snob :).
They also remind me that I would make them very angry if I did anything stupid to myself, as I am worth so much more than how I see myself.
Thank you Life Supporters for being my breath when I can't breathe. Thank you Life Supporters for being my strength when I am utterly weak. Thank you Life Supporters for loving me, when I hate myself. I love you all.
Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can very much relate to the people around me, who too, are life support, literally.
When we go into such darkness, it would seem that we do start to learn our true selves.
It is a journey of discovery, and as cliched as that sounds, that is what it is.
We also learn, sometimes painfully, who truly is there, and I often found (and do find) it is those I least expect who are there the most xxxx
It's definitely something I'm still trying to understand - how being so low, gives you so much information about who you are.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for certain people in my life and their unconditional love.
The life support machine is still beeping :)
x