The Beauty of Detail

I adore the intricacies of life. The minute moments and and subtle behaviours. I was at work today and noticed a girl cross her legs and brush her hair away from her face. Stunning. At another table someone lightly knocked the table and the glasses clinked and the liquid quivered.

I want to suck in all those little things I see and store them forever. I feel like we let so much pass us by and never really absorb the beautiful details in so much around us. I love the unconscious gestures we all do. A scratch of the nose; a purse of the lips; I stroke my eyebrows with my middle finger or rub the back of my neck.

I yearn, I need, I want those experiences to be cemented into my mind. I don't want to miss a thing.

Take my hand and trace the lines, the contours, the scars. Examine the tiny hairs and watch the bones slide underneath my skin as I wiggle my fingers. Run your finger slowly over the smooth parts and hard parts from years of opening oysters.

The tiniest details of life are, at times, the most important because they never lie. They never wear a mask. They never create a facade. I can smile and laugh when talking with you, but look at my eyes, do they sparkle?

Lost in the Wasteland

I'm sure I must be missing the point about 2011. Every bloody door I push is bolted or opens slightly and then slams in my face. It's a recreation of 2010. History repeating itself. Groundhog year. Are we destined to live our lives in cycles, with slight variations leading to similar outcomes? If you get trapped in a good cycle then do you see fortune upon fortune piling up around you emotionally and physically? If you're part of that whirlwind which catches you and sweeps you away in a moment of despair or disappointment are you funneled into something far more challenging and draining?

I'm confused right now. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the arctic with no directional aid. Everything is white and I don't know which way to walk.

My World of Dreams

Rest your head and close your eyes,
The sun has set and said goodbye.
Drift to a place where anything is viable,
Where you can run like the wind; anything is possible.

I can leap tall buildings, travel through time.
The world is at its best and all completely sublime.
I am a knight or a Jedi, a lover and free.
I wander without guilt and find a place to 'be'.

Do not worry about tomorrow or what it will say,
For it seems so far away until facing that day.
Here I am, deep in my imagination and not alone.
Will I wake to find I have finally found my home?

New Life

Easter is about new life. It is a celebration of Jesus rising from the dead, ushering in hope and forgiveness and redemption. I believe in hope and redemption. I believe in life anew and starting again. I like how Jesus has the scars from the brutality of the cross. He reminds those around him that scars are healthy. They remind us of pain but how the pain heals.

I don't believe in the resurrection, but I hold dear its significance. We all have pain. We all have moments where we feel crucified; hung up naked and exposed and abandoned. It's how we take those scars and move on from them.

I was reading Sia's blog and how she had a sense of anxiety and I related to that. I wake up most mornings feeling a sense of dread and panic. I want to crawl deep under my duvet and hide from the world. I want to call in sick and not go to work. I want to hide from the world. I am in a job where I am meant to be the 'face' of the business. I am meant to be gregarious and chatty. I am meant to make people feel at ease and welcome. I am the great pretender at times. I want to hide away and panic at the sight of new people. Yet, I welcome them and engage with them and entertain them. I fight the panic and the sense of uselessness. I fight the desire to withdraw.

I am trying to look at my scars and embrace how they remind me I am alive and healing and not a failure.

Easter reminds me I am so much more than I believe. You are so much more than you believe. You are gorgeous and full of potential. You are revolutionary. Wow. Imagine what we could achieve.

Life is for Sharing

Tonight I have shared time with people I love and I have adored seeing them interact with each other as couples. I love seeing others in love and the different dynamics it brings. Each couple has their own way of loving each other and understanding how to be a bit weird, or ironic, or loving, or 'out there'. I love how couples work. You get your own language and communication system. I guess other people see it too, but I notice when one partner does something subtle or the other does something to make a hint. It's lovely because there's a form of communication no-one else usually sees. I see it because I love to observe. Maybe I see it more because I want it.

A brush of the hand, a glance sideways, a tilt of the head, a cross of the legs, a shift in the seat, a flick of the hair. Small gestures magnify beautifully wonderful couple communications.

I want that.

Beau

My ex-wife, Abi, is a very talented musician. She has an exemplary voice. There is a vulnerable strength to her performance. See what you think.

P.S The song isn't about me. :)

Phoenix

I saw you today and you were different. There was something about the way you moved. Was it the way you tilted your head? It could have been a difference in your smile. The eyes weren't so sad. Was it happiness which made you different?

I saw you today and you had a sparkle in your eye. It was fleeting but the sparkle ignited for a moment. Bursting forth from your iris like the phoenix. It represented hope and expectation. It spoke of light extinguishing darkness. It ushered in fiery longing to quash pessimism. It rose forth, spreading its wings majestically.

I saw you today and I smiled. I also wanted to cry because it was lovely to see you smile when looking at your reflection.

My reflection.

Bring Him Home

Cried too much at this tonight.

Yesterday

Yesterday I cared about what you thought. Yesterday I couldn't sleep and sensed the demons floating and seeping through my consciousness. Yesterday I found you hovering on my shoulder telling me I was THAT person. Yesterday I felt you there, waiting and watching, reminding me that I wasn't free. Yesterday you pointed out the pointlessness of it all. Yesterday you laughed as to how ludicrous all those dreams are. Yesterday you wrapped a blanket of dejection around me and pushed me down the stairs so I rolled and bumped and crashed and banged into the wall of failure.

That was yesterday.

Fuck you.

It's today.

Transparent

I wonder if I'm too honest about my emotions at times. My feelings surge through me like a powerful force and I need to get them out. I need others to hear, like the world is a sympathetic bartender listening to the trials and tribulations of a late night patron.

But is there too much openness? Should we hold ourselves back?

A friend asked me earlier why I am single. She said she couldn't understand how I don't have a girlfriend. She said she bet I would treat a girl the best any girl could be treated and I would make them feel so, so special. I was very flattered and did actually say how past partners have remarked how lovingly I treated them.

"Why are you still single then?" asked my confused friend.

I wondered if I was too open and caring. I wondered if we're programmed to take second best and believe we don't deserve a scenario that is wonderfully beautiful. Does my unconditional love and desire to make someone feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, who the sun rises and sets with, go against out natural propensity to think the worst (or mediocre at best) is what we truly deserve?

I will never want to be anything else. I will always be an open book. I will always seek to give my all to a girl, so that she knows she is truly loved. The world is too superficial, cynical and suspicious. I will always aim to be truthful, loving and adoring.

Spinning

The world is spinning at thousand miles an hour,
Stars burning, exploding, dying every hour.
Can we stop and appreciate the moment we were born,
Without feeling so lost and utterly forlorn?

I breathe a moment and your face no longer blurs,
It freeze frames and I wonder if it's really her
Who has exploded in my mind like a stupendous star
And grabbed my heart and pulled me in from afar.

Yes we're muddled, battered, bruised and scarred,
But we're fighting, relentless and unashamed.
We may be spinning at a thousand miles an hour,
But no-one can stop our passionately loving power.

Being Human. Human Being.

I don't care about the mistakes you've made, which make you feel ashamed. I don't care if your hair's out of place, your mascara's run or you have food on your face. I don't care if you laugh too loud, cry too easily, change your mind everyday and don't know,at times, what to say.

I don't care if you gain weight or lose weight. I don't care if you get a spot on the end of your nose. I don't care if you accidentally tuck your skirt into your underwear.

I don't care if you know all the characters in Eastenders, but have trouble naming five people in the Government (well, maybe I do a little). I don't care if you listen to heavy metal, punk, rap, country, pop, rock, blues, jazz or even Enya. I don't care if you watch the news, Sex and the City, Big Brother, or Hollyoaks. I don't care if you thought Saw 3D was the best film ever, but Casablanca boring (okay, that's a lie, but you get the point).

Ultimately I don't care about many superfluous elements to your life because I care so much for you. Yes you. You are human. You are a human being of wonderful diversity and potential. Yes you. Yup, the one reading this right now. You.

Peace?

The first cut didn't really hurt. My god, I thought it would hurt like fuck. Am I so numb to everything? I WANT it to hurt. I want to feel the pain. Have I become so numb to any sensation that I don't even feel the slice of a blade?

It's weird, I am cutting myself and I am watching the blood slide effortlessly down my arm and it's like I'm watching a movie. Am I really here? Is this me? I love the abstract pain. I love watching the blood pour and seep from my wounds. Hurt yourself and then you truly understand who you are. *Please don't ever self harm - it's horrendous - I am writing poetically and honestly - you are too beautiful to ever harm yourself*

I am beautiful. I am splendid. I am Thomas. I want to hurt myself. I want to punish this sad excuse for a human being. I won't though. I will go to bed and dare to dream of jedi Knights and secret agents. I will avoid the blades and fun time knives. Self harm is passionate. I say NO!

Peace be with you. x

Journey to Self-Belief

What you like to be doing in 2 years time?

Tough question. I would like to be happy and at peace. That's what I would like to be doing - being at peace with myself.

I would like to be loving someone and caring for them. I would like to be waking up each day knowing I have someone lying next to me who loves me and adores me. I would like to be waking up in 2 years feeling a sense of peace and joy at where my life has journeyed to. I would like to be looking at my life and feeling a sensation of pride at where I've come to.

Would I like to no longer be on medication? Not sure. I rely on the pills. The physical act of taking them each day brings a certain feeling of sanity and control. We'll see.

I want to be excited about getting out of bed each day. I long for waking up in the morning and not having a knot in my stomach and an irrational sense of dread about the day. It won't be that bad, but my mind (my Intruder) prods me and niggles at me, telling me today will be a bad day. I want to wake up in 2 years and find my mind urging me to leap out of bed as it will be a wonderful day.

I don't want to be lonely in 2 years. I have wonderful friends and family, BUT I am sitting here in my bedroom writing this feeling a massive amount of loneliness. I want to go outside in the sunshine and have a coffee in the sun with a partner. I want to go downstairs and cook a breakfast for my lover. I don't want to be alone.

In fact, I want all this today. I will have to be patient. I will have to be positive. I will have to grab a coffee in the sun alone for now.

Sensation

Watch the smoke drift silently and blue,
Drifting past those gorgeous eyes so true.
It swirls and dances like in a hypnotic trance,
As if it hears our hearts in an eternal dance.

Listen to the ice rattle, swish and clink,
Moving under the motion of your beautiful hand.
I'm enchanted by the movement, I cannot think
or break your spell - your love is too grand.

Feel the condensation slide softly down your skin,
As the coolness fights the heat of your being.
Each icy drop of anticipation means we can begin
to embrace what we see, hear and are currently feeling.

Feed Me

So, my previous posts are looking at questions surrounding who I am. Read here, here and here if you haven't yet.

Next question to ask myself: What do you do?

I believe in following my dreams and doing what I am passionate about drives me forward and gives that bubble of excitement each day. I refuse to succumb to the pessimistic outlook that you have to make do. I will not allow my dreams to be squandered by the voices who say you need to face up reality. Reality can and should be a wonderful thing. Too many days of saying to myself I can't and I'm not good enough. No.

When I was in Auckland, I was running a seafood restaurant. I woke up each day excited about going to work. I worked a lot of hours but never felt tired because I LOVED my job. I am passionate about managing restaurants. I love to see people enjoying great food and great service. I love the family feeling a good team gets when working together in such intense work environments. You become close knit. You work hard and party hard and create great friendships.

I've lost some of that passion. I'm not working where I want to be, now I'm back in England. I appreciate where I work and am very thankful for the security it brings, but it isn't the passion fueler in my life. I will be changing that though. I will not procrastinate any longer.

I am a writer too. Writing brings forth passion, imagination, inspiration. When I write I feel my inner self bursting forth wanting to reach out and grasp people at their deepest core. When I write I want to hook people and engage them in a whole new way.

I do want to get published and have two things I'm writing, which I hope I will see on a bookshelf one day. I grapple with self belief and motivation though. I don't take my writing skills seriously and allow my depressed mentality (the Intruder) to quash the belief and passion. Again, I will not procrastinate.

What do I do? I like to inspire and pass on my passion. Whether it's through written word or the food on your plate, I want you to feel enriched.

Life Support

My past few posts are questions surrounding my search for identity. Next question:

Who are the closest people in your life?

You gain real clarity in your life when you are in an extremely dark place. It's a paradox. For me I found new depths of despair last year. I wanted to die (and that is literal, not philosophical - I was suicidal). I had a particularly bad day and it ended unpleasantly with my usual need for escapism by trying to drown out the emotions with alcohol. Unfortunately it aided a deeper darkness and I hit rock bottom. I hurt myself.

Coming out of the cloud the next day a small number of people entered my mind of who I wanted to contact and help me. People I realised I relied on and needed in my life. Over that week and beyond they have been like life support machines. They probably don't even know how much good they do, but when flashes of darkness inject into my brain, knowing my Life Supporters are there in person or on the phone, keeps me sane.

I get very lonely and very critical of who I am. I tend to feel worthless and like a failure. I battle with feeling like I'm a burden on others and not worth knowing. My Life Supporters always remind me I am a great friend. I am really funny. I am a lot of fun to be with. I am smart. I am a snob :).

They also remind me that I would make them very angry if I did anything stupid to myself, as I am worth so much more than how I see myself.

Thank you Life Supporters for being my breath when I can't breathe. Thank you Life Supporters for being my strength when I am utterly weak. Thank you Life Supporters for loving me, when I hate myself. I love you all.