Wednesday 11 May 2011

It's a Manic World

If I wrote in the style of how my mind is currently operating.
Iwouldbewritinglikethis.

It's my birthday in July and I am severely reflecting on my life and what it means in regards to identity and WHO I am. I will be 30 soon and it has caused a cascade of images from my past and how I responded to situations and how I behaved.

I'm rather manic. I'm rather hyperactive. I'm also like Icarus. Soaring close to the sun and then plunging, swiftly and perilously to the earth. My feathers scorch and the euphoria becomes bleakness and shame. Shame. What am I so ashamed of? My Intruder wants me to live in the past and reminds me of my irrational responses to situations. "You were so immature in that moment"; "So utterly unrealistic to have thought she would have wanted you, considering there's so much you need to sort out."

My Intruder also likes to point out I am nearly 30 and still dreaming and wandering through life. I will be divorced by the time my birthday hits (it's currently in the process); I am still astoundingly confused about the direction I should be going, in regards to my career, where I live and so forth. My world is fuzzy like an out of shot photo.

I get a burst of hope and then become a party animal over a few days. 'Life and soul' and all that crap. Then the pain hits and I want to crawl into the darkness.

It's a mad, mad world. The positivity in everything though is how determined I am to see my life at 30 as mesmerizing, momentous and transforming.

Peace. x
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2 comments:

  1. Sia Jane11 May 2011 at 19:02

    Well, if you need advice :p
    And I can relate to how you write, the racing, the mania...
    I also think you are so poetic in your words, and that is so beautiful Tom.
    So beautiful.
    We grow, evolve, become...
    And we can either hide from that or embrace it.
    And I think I know what you will do!

    {{{hugs}}}

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  2. Tom Haward11 May 2011 at 21:34

    :) Last year I had a plan - a vision. I had a vision of my future. The vision crumbled and it scared me to be hopeful. It made me self destructive. It fed the mania and depression.

    I'm trying to have a hope for the future in a more general sense. I'm trying to follow my gut...

    Hugs back at ya. x

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