Part 2: Jesus

14 Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. 15 He was teaching in their synagogues, and everyone praised him.
16 He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. He stood up to read, 17 and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
18 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour.”

This passage always sticks with me. It’s the fact that Jesus proclaims the reason for his ministry and it’s not about pseudo-spirituality. It’s not about people going to church on a specific day or saving souls from burning in hell. It’s not about saying the right stuff and adhering to a narrow list of dogmas and large list of doctrines. It’s not about being made to feel guilty if you don’t believe the ‘right’ stuff. It’s about helping and freeing the poor and the oppressed.
I’ve rejected the church and Christianity because, quite honestly, I can’t stand a lot of the people. The self-righteousness and arrogance that they’re right and anyone who doesn’t believe is wrong, makes me cringe. I reject many atheists too who arrogantly and smugly act like anyone who believes there is a god is a fool. On both sides I find these views distasteful.

But I’ve particularly walked away from the church because I can’t see how I would ever want to mix with most of the people who go. There are a small number of people who I love dearly, who are part of the church, but the majority I couldn’t care less if I never saw them again. The detachment from reality and ignorant views they hold has no connection to my life. Singing bland songs and listening to bland preaches do not appeal. The culture of church is bizarre because most people have no idea what it all means. It is alien and full of back stabbing and politics. Been there and tried it; don’t need to go near it again.

Jesus though, he’s a different story. I doubt his divinity and am very unsure about the resurrection, but this radical man sticks with me. He hated the pompous ceremony of religion and he despised the self-righteous behaviour of many leaders. He mixed with the people who didn’t have all the answers and were messed up and full of doubts. He befriended people with short fuses and would have no idea what it means to be PC. Basically, he mixed with the likes of you and me. He was brutally honest at times and he said some difficult things. He never apologised for the way he was though. This is me, take it or leave it and many people did just that.

Jesus will always be a significant hero of mine because he treated people as human and loved them just as they were. That’s the type of guy I want to be like. I may not believe he is alive and is the Almighty God, but I do find him a man with an almighty character.

Part 1: Why So Serious?

The American Atheists Alliance has created this billboard:


Now, I think they’ve missed the point a little bit. I can understand in America you’re dealing with very vocal Evangelicals and televangelists, so getting your voice heard over them all takes some effort. It seems though, that atheist movements are simply following the culture of many Christians though. A billboard at Christmas about Christmas being a myth seems pointless. It won’t convert anyone to atheism (and the advert does seem to want to convert), just as Christian posters won’t convert anyone.

It’s all so serious, when it doesn’t need to be. Obviously atheism has many nuances, just as other religions do. My own atheism (and yes, I am an atheist, regardless of how many people say I’m not) I feel can co-exist with religion quite easily. I don’t want to convert people to atheism and bang on about the evils of religion. I also think atheist movements are rather naive to think they will see a mass conversion to disbelief. People find spirituality comforting and interesting. Many people aren’t dedicated believers in god, but they will still be certain there is one. They look rather bewildered when I say I don’t believe there’s anything spiritual. “What, you don’t even believe in ghosts?”

I do not see belief in god as an issue. As with any community, group, movement, the concern is how society is impacted. It’s the churches which beat you over the head about how you’re going to hell, but fail to do anything to engage with their community that I have a problem with. Just as I have a problem with atheists who like to point out all the injustices of the past, but do nothing to help the less fortunate.

It appears to me that there are a growing number of atheists who are so caught up in proving they’re right, they forget a lot of people simply want to ‘be’. I don’t want to convince others about what I believe, I’m simply trying to be human. I’ve taken myself too seriously in the past and don’t need to do that anymore.

Ho Ho Ho

The season of good tidings and all that nonsense is upon us. I'm rather confused as to whether be excited about it or get a semi-automatic rifle and shoot down all the Christmas lights in the town centre. Don't get me wrong, the excessive spending, causing loan sharks to hover round people's homes; the gorging of food, causing millions of women to cry into their Xmas pudding that they're fat; the dodgy presents which, by now, we have mastered the pleasantly surprised look; the, please cut out my ear drums so I don't have to listen anymore, Christmas music. They all weave their magical wand over this time of year.

Christmas brings so much pressure to have fun and be happy. It causes families to force each other to sit in the same room for 8+ hours, when usually 8+ minutes would cause domestic disturbance reports. I wonder if there is a spike in violent crime on December 25th? If you fear for your own safety on Christmas Day, make sure you slip a valium into everyone's drink, so the day is nicely chilled out.

I don't hate Christmas, but I do find it hard to embrace it. It's a bit like New Year's Eve. When it hits midnight, some people seem to think their lives will magically change. It's a nice thought, but why bother holding out a whole year for things to change? Wishful thinking doesn't tend to have much of an effect on anything. It's like me staring at a picture of Natalie Portman and hoping I will get home one day to find her in lingerie on my bed. Again, there is pressure for January to suddenly be a really positive time of year, when it will be the opposite. Everyone's skint because they bought presents for some unappreciative sod; the weather injects as much positivity as watching Schindler's List and you didn't get that snog at midnight.

I'd say we should approach Christmas with cynicism, so when the day arrives we're pleasantly surprised. After all, if you think it's going to be dire, everything will be a bonus. And you'll actually be amused by the dodgy jumper someone got you and probably wear it on New Year's Eve; because it won't make any difference to your chances of a snog anyway.

Embrace the Frown

Sam posted this link on my Facebook wall the other day and it really struck a chord with me. I think there is a tentative walk we must take when thinking about sadness and mental illness. Obviously they are two very different things, which we so easily place into the same category. It's too easy to say, “God I'm so depressed,” when of course you simply mean pissed off, or sad. Unfortunately, being sad for a week or two suddenly means you must have depression and need medication.

It is liberating to allow yourself to be sad and actually embrace it. It's freeing, when someone asks how you are, to be honest and say, “Actually, I feel pretty crappy today.” Sadness isn't a weakness and doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Ironically, I felt happier once I realised it was okay to admit I was sad. It relieves a lot of pressure to conform.

Embrace your sadness people – friends and family should accept you for whatever you are going through. If they don't? Fuck them.

Sonnet 116

Just because Shakespeare should always be read.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Real Life

Reading in The Times today, a bishop decided to compare the ordination of women bishops to the oncoming threat of Hitler's evil in 1939. Now anyone with a slight attachment to reality can see his comments as rather absurd. It follows a similar thread to a conversation I was having last night with one of my best friends. We were talking about the negative impact church life had on us and how utterly ridiculous certain things within church life were.

We remembered instances where we were left in complete bewilderment owing to the absurdity of what we had experienced and how far removed from reality it was. Go to a church meeting and you will leave wondering if someone had scripted it. Think of The Office in a church setting. Now, of course, I am sounding harsh but I do have a point. Churches can get so involved in trivialities, they forget why they are there in the first place. To be a place of grace and love, where you can be broken, with no judgement. I couldn't give a shit whether the church grounds should have panel fencing or chain links. Was the music too loud for you? Deal with it. I remember someone in church asking how I was. I said I felt pretty crap actually and the panic on his eyes and stuttering response revealed he expected me to say I was fine. I erred from the script of a Sunday morning.

I am a broken person, who hurts a lot most days. I have friends and family who accept that brokenness and embrace me just as I am. They listen to my broken record monologues without thinking any less of me. I love my friends unconditionally. Their faults make me love them more, because it shows they are human and have no pretense. I make a lot of mistakes and allow my emotions to run my life without thinking about it rationally. I love to live this way, because I am an emotional person. Hopefully I will learn from what happens, but whether I do doesn't matter, as my friends still stand with me and I love them for that. They try to advise me on the best route, but don't pass down self righteous morality.

It is real and genuine. We live life normally. I don't miss church because it feels so forced and unnatural. I'm pretty sure that Jewish carpenter from 2000 years ago would walk into many churches on a Sunday morning and wonder what the hell people were doing. He'd more than likely walk out and say that if anyone wants him he'll be down the pub.

Future

Love is a very subjective thing. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not. We all have a perspective of love. If you believe in God then you believe God is love and therefore everything flows from Him. If you are an atheist, then views of love vary.

I believe in love and think that love has a massive impact on who we are. I don't believe God imparts love. I don't know why humans feel love and get such a strong sensation. I don't know why we will go to the ends of the earth to declare love and actually act like fools for it. We will do strange things for that emotional thing which causes our brains to implode and create an imbalance which is not normal.

I have no idea why I feel such strong emotions for one person and yet feel indifference to another, but I do know that love is a very real emotion and regardless of God's involvement, we should never forget love. Money, fame, self indulgence, (ignorant) nihilism, dominates how we live our lives. I am hopeful about our future as a people. Even if I am not optimistic about my future as an individual...

Suffering

I have always been reluctant of the idea that I have ever suffered. I tend to view suffering in terms of the physical; people who are tortured, or starving or experiencing the anguish of terminal illness. I have never experienced those, so couldn't believe I have suffered.

Having read John Colwell's book, Why Have you Forsaken Me? my opinion has changed. John has been grappling with clinical depression for thirty years and some of the book is a reflection of his experiences. It was comforting to read of someone's experiences and be able to relate to them. Depression can be terribly egocentric. You know other people suffer from the illness, but you can be so consumed by the darkness, you doubt anyone is able to relate to what you're going through.

Reading of similar symptoms (physical and mental) and of similar thoughts and fears, made me realise that my illness was not an island and it was also achievable to live with it. And I literally mean that, because suicide is a real option when you are deeply depressed. John put it brilliantly when he writes that suicide is not a selfish act when consumed by depression; you genuinely believe those around you will be better off if you were no longer walking this planet.

Reading his book though scared me hugely because he is still battling this illness thirty years on and I hate the idea that I will be living with it so many years on. But then this made me think about suffering and its part to play in this world.

I firstly realised that suffering comes in many painful forms and to be mentally ill is to suffer. I have really suffered and been in very dark places (which I'm not out of yet). If you you haven't experienced such darkness, it is like razor blades slicing through your mind, so that the pain makes it hard to see clearly or rationally. Everything becomes terrifying and you literally want to remove your brain so the torture stops. I am not being melodramatic. It. Is. Horrible.

But I am starting to wonder if I was always meant to have this illness: does this make part of who I am? Would I be any less Tom if I wasn't clinically depressed? Would I not be fully me if I was 'normal'? Because I have to say I hate the idea of being normal. How bland. Maybe it's self-fulfilling and my desire to be anything but normal has meant I was destined to be depressed?

These are vomited thoughts, with no conclusion, but to mentally suffer appears to me to be something that contributes to who I am...

Bad Boys

What me and Joe will do to Grace's first date. :)

Uncle Tommy's Heart

My 3 1/2 year old niece, Grace, said to her mum Sarah:
"Mummy, Uncle Tommy needs Jesus to mend his broken heart."

It made me cry my eyes out.

Although I don't believe Jesus can, it really touched me that she said this.

Pretend(tious)

Let's be pretend(tious)
we like to feel important
And so, so delicious.

Take my pretence and take it as truth,
Because you would leap off a roof
for me as my words are so convincing.
Grow up, weren't you even listening?

You bore me with you words and platitudes.
They grate on me I wish I could be more rude
to you and show you the lack of vocabulary
you hold and filter off in my ears as dreary.

Give me some poems and famous rhymes
and I'll mould them into loving lyrics
which make you think of far better times.
But remember what you say makes me sick.

Let's be pretend(tious) and dream of what if
about a world we don't consume or miss.
But, wait, here's reality and your lies and shit,
So pretentiousness is the heart bullet that really hit.

Knowledge and Free Will

I'm not sure the point to this post, but a few thoughts:

Joe and I were talking about belief in god, et cetera and we realised the thoroughly post-Enlightenment idea of atheism in the modern sense. We were talking about the Bible and how the issue for many people in the Good Book wasn't about whether they believed god existed, but whether they wanted to have a relationship with him.

The Pharaoh in Exodus didn't doubt the existence of the Israelite's god, he simply thought his gods were better. No characters question if god is there, just why he has abandoned them. It got me to thinking how I'm not sure whether it's god's existence is the issue as an atheist; it's whether I actually want to know him. God may exist; I don't believe he does, but even if he did, I'm not sure I'd want to know him.

Theologians speak of how god's vagueness ensures we have free will, but I think that's a bit of a red herring. I wonder if it was absolutely clear god existed, how many people would want to have a relationship with him. I don't think I would. I am biased and my view of god is shaped by my life and prejudice, but I don't think knowing for sure he was there would hinder my free will. I know cigarettes will greatly increase my chances of getting a horrible disease; I still smoke because I want to. I have known the implications and outcomes of certain actions, from experience, but still done them out of free will. Knowledge doesn't impede free will, it simply affirms the free will you have.

I don't believe god exists but I don't doubt the possibility he may exist. Either way, I don't believe I would want to spend time getting to know him. It doesn't matter if I see him from a conservative, liberal, evangelical, Anglican, Catholic, Islamic, gracious, vengeful or loving angle, I simply find god someone who I can do without.

Siren

You think Prince Charming will sweep you away?
Don't be so naïve he's only looking for a lay.
He won't won't ride in and save your life,
He will give you the same worry and strife.
Romeo took his life by his hands
and Juliet followed unable to live alone.
That's not romance but inability to think herself.
The fairytale is but a fleeting dream we try
Muddied by our ability to fake and lie.

Sirens seduced men with their haunting songs,
takings men's souls and trapping their emotions
so that they are driven mad by a deep longing
that will never be fulfilled or made into reality.
Their ironic and passionate love call
simply drove men to a place where they would fall
into intoxicating addiction that would implode their minds.
Oh siren, stop calling my name and taking me into
your dark place where I can never escape you.

I want to crash into your life and save you from
your self and the hurt that makes your mind a storm.
The thunder bolts that impale your consciousness
and muddle your brain into that stupid mess,
I want to take in my hands and mould into peace.
We may be faced with a life only on a short lease,
but why accept this term as interest only or not ours
when we have those moments that were only mine and yours?

A Poem

You think this darkness is a choice?
It burns my brain so I have no voice.
It fucks my brain so it sucks my soul
and throws me into that endless hole.

You think this place of shit is what I want?
Do you know the voices that taunt?
Telling me to end it all and end it now
to cut myself and let the blood run dry.

The image in the mirror is a joke to me
The scars of a life once lived is all I see.
Take this throat and cut it deep and true
because I am just a fucking joke to you.

What, you think this life is a happy thrill?
Look at the pain and hurt around until
you realise we're minute specks of sand
sharing stories and crap which is all rather bland.

Ripping off the Mask

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." Oscar Wilde

I remember a really good Friends episode where Phoebe has a boyfriend who is a psychiatrist. He finds Phoebe's chums to be too much to handle because of their need to be categorised. “Define me, define me!” he exclaims sarcastically.

Then watching QI the other night, Jeremy Clarkson commented of his disdain that everything needs a label. Why do we have to label everything, he despairs? It got me thinking about our need to be defined by the external. We can't be comfortable in our own skin.

I do it all the time:

I am an atheist
I suffer from depression
I am on medication
I am in therapy
I was a fundamentalist
I like to be centre of attention
and so on and so forth.

Now none of these are wrong, but it's how I use these statements. Do I use these statements to create a persona for myself, a mask? Ultimately do I compartmentalise myself into one of these statements depending on who I am with?

My therapist is working with me to ensure I am simply Tom wherever I am. Because I do create a persona, usually as a defence mechanism. Humour is the usual route and not long ago someone commented on how different I was in a group setting as opposed to one-to-one. They weren't criticising, simply observing.

I am Tom.
I am Tom.
I am Tom.

We all wear masks and embrace labels at times. But who out there is brave enough to simply be and not stick on a label?

I am Tom.
I am Tom.
I am Tom.

Love

Joe tagged me.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
1: Name one idea that used to be seen as a key Christian theme, but is nowadays regarded as either irrelevant or outdated, although you think it still has a lot to offer.
2. In two sentences say something about why you selected this, and why it should be recovered or renewed.
3. Tag three people.

1: Love. Now this is not a conscious theme that is never used now, but it struck me that love seems to be on the back burner within the Church and society in general.

2: Now it won't be two sentences I'll be using because I can't squeeze my thoughts into such a short space! Our society is plagued by bitter squabbles and pettiness. Politicians argue and try to score points against each other on very minor issues: “He said,” “She said,” type banality. Celebrities, the focal point to many people's lives, sell stories of kiss and tell and try to run each other into the ground for personal gain.

Now the Church is called to be a shining light in a dark world and unfortunately get caught in the same traps. The Anglican Church is marred by issues of allowing women to be bishops. The Catholic Church has far too many issues surrounding the exact opposite of love. The Evangelical Church like to tear pieces out of one another regarding the meaning of Jesus' death on the cross. The American Church has many who will deride you and expel you if you support evolution. And the gay community finds it is suffering from prejudice in pretty much every denomination.

Jesus said to his disciples that they should love on another and the world will know they are his followers. This seems to be a theme Jesus wanted to be carried through forever. So much bitterness and petty squabbling though takes centre stage and the simple notion of loving each other is put way down on the list.

The passage from 1 Corinthians (which is probably overlooked because of its overuse at weddings) calls people remember what it means to love. I was told once to replace the word love with my name. Am I patient, kind, not easily angered, modest, able to forgive quickly and forget? Many times no, but the Church and society need a wake up call to centre our lives on these mantras. I am a hopeless romantic and rather naïve because maybe I do watch Moulin Rouge too much and believe all you need is love. But surely if love was a central theme to how the Church operated (as opposed to paying it lip service) then it would be a shining light into society and maybe society would start to see each other in love and not materialistic gain and ways to suck the life out of each other.

Love is a painful thing because it means you have to make sacrifices and accept some things don't change, but love also means you see people in a new light and look for the best in them, regardless of who they are and what mistakes they have made; after all we all make mistakes. If our motivation is love though, then surely we won't be so plagued by the shit and mindless crap that dominates our days and weeks.

It's rather simple, but I would like to think Jesus said it because he wanted his followers to see the simplicity of it.

3: I don't tag anyone, but welcome feedback.

The Intruder

It's the knot in your stomach. You wake up with it, you go through the day with it and you go to bed with it; and it also keeps you awake. You are constantly anxious and you're not always sure why. It wears you down and causes you to start to give up. You resign your thinking to the fact you will always feel this way. It causes bitterness and resignation and it also causes you to think you are weak and stupid. Snap out of it for god's sake.

There's also the mental and physical disability. You can be walking down the street and you feel this dark cloud invade your mind. So much so that you can't keep walking; you can't do anything. You simply stand there paralysed and wonder what the hell to do. Walking seems too much and the thought of then meeting another person causes the slow, scary rise of panic to fill your consciousness. You stand there terrified of moving and not knowing how to get out of the situation. If it sounds dramatic, it's because it is. We underestimate the power of the mind.

If your mind decides to work against you, then you suddenly acknowledge how utterly necessary and controlling it is. It can feel like you are watching yourself from the outside whilst your mind takes you hostage and you are somehow trapped in a small compartment within your mind, watching an intruder corrupt what you hold so dear.

It's scary fighting against this and claiming your mental health back. Saying you won't be dragged down and you won't entertain those dark thoughts that maybe it's better to simply not be around. It's not a thought hoping to get attention, it's a thought that comes from no longer having the fight in you.

It's when you do fight against the intruder of your mind and unlock the door to the compartment that you find a fresh understanding and fresh hope. I've picked the lock and I'm claiming back what's mine.

Grace and Love

I want to make it clear that a lot of my criticisms about Christianity are aimed at Conservative Evangelicalism and fundamentalism. My gripes are rather broad, sweeping statements about views and theology which is rather unloving and narrow-minded. There are many people with whom I have deep respect and love, who are avid followers of Christ.

Tim, my former boss, is a dear friend who I don't see enough. I would say he was a brilliant example of how Jesus would want to see his followers be. He gave me so much support and love when I was grappling with doubt and depression, whilst working in a job which required rather strong belief! He was a god send and I can't ever be more grateful to you Tim for how much of a good friend you have been to me.

My twin is getting ordained in a couple of weeks and I am so excited about the positive impact Joe is going to have on the community he joins in Devon. He challenges traditional views of church and is going to be doing something I believe Jesus would be rather happy with; he's going to be loving others where they are, as opposed to making them go to him. Unconditional love and grace, something I do feel Jesus taught about a lot. I am very proud of him.

I greatly admire Sam and his work on Mersea as the controversial rector. A very intelligent man who always challenges me with what he writes. Again, he exudes much of what I feel the Early Church was trying to achieve. Good humour, non-judgemental and very accepting of those around him. Another disciple who does not pretend to be anything he isn't and tries to break down misconceptions we form about the Christian faith.

There is much I agree with when it comes to Christianity and grace and love are high on the way I want to be towards others. A lot of my blog will be rather self-deprecating because I'm criticising much of what I used to believe and how it was rather self destructive. There is much though that I really agree with in many areas of more generous theology and would want to applaud people like Joe, Tim and Sam for who they are and what they bring to our community from a faith perspective.

Dealing with Depression

Having depression is a major struggle to say the least. After finally admitting that I had a problem and going to the doctor, it has been improving, but my god there are dark days.

Being a man though, did not make it more difficult to admit I had a problem. The usual cliché of 'hardening up' and 'pulling myself together' never entered my mind. It was more stubborn refusal to admit that I wasn't coping. I'm quite a perfectionist, so to have an imperfect state of mind, which also countered my easy-going and jovial self, seemed utterly ridiculous. I've always enjoyed being centre of attention at parties and the source of good humour. I was dumbfounded when the thought of being in a social situation actually caused me to have a panic attack. It knocked me sideways.

Being prescribed anti-depressants felt like defeat, like I was going to be another one on happy pills. I resented taking them. But the difference they have made is incredible. They're helping me (along with my counsellor) to get to the root of why I'm depressed. It's a long slog, but doors are opening. I do know that part of the reason has been to do with my faith. My belief in god wore me down and made me feel utterly inadequate. I hate, absolutely hate the idea that we're meant to feel worthless and pitiful in front of god. Because it completely dragged my self esteem down. The pressure I put on myself to be doing all that was right and virtuous repressed me emotionally and physically. I did lose a lot of weight when I was a believer. I started to lose interest in my physical self, as it was my soul which was the real thing to worry about. Theologically incorrect and I knew it was, but it still didn't stop me doing, on some levels, a form of self harm. I wasn't looking after myself.

I knew something was wrong when one day I couldn't even make a cup of tea. I simply stared at the kettle, paralysed. It was horrendous. Being trapped mentally like that is awful. So it was when I started taking medication and dealing with the illness that it became liberating. The other thing which really helped was renouncing my faith. I feel so much more alive by believing there is no god, which is ironic as Jesus always spoke about liberating people.

I don't feel my belief system is dictating my mind. It is now a facet to my life which is not centre stage. I'm able to focus more on the things which I want to achieve and I hope am more able to give the love to others I want to give. I'm no longer repressed.

Miracle?

One thing I have to grapple with intellectually is whether or not I saw and experienced miracles when I was a Christian. My posts have highlighted God's apparent lack of action or interaction with his creation, but miracles are a big sign that he does indeed make his presence known.

I have numerous stories of God's apparent presence and involvement and I am trying to understand how that fits in to my new found atheism; did I see miracles?

Did I see angels outside my bedroom window one night? Did I pray for people to be healed and they actually were? Could I really speak in tongues (a language given by God)? Was I able to prophesy into people's lives and know things about them no-one else could possibly know? How much of this was genuine and how much of this was simply wanting it to be real and therefore believing God was involved.

I'm not entirely sure. That's not to say I'm not firm in my belief in there being no god, but it's incredible how much we, as humans, can do by the simple power of thought. In very intense religious meetings, with everyone expectant and desperate for god to do something, you see a lot of people believing god is actually doing something. The hype creates a lot of apparent miracles. I know there were times I was so desperate for god to answer my prayers and perform a miracle I forced my reactions; not to be some sort of fraud, but a need to know god's presence. I simply wonder how often it was emotion and psychological need other than god actually being there.

I don't know if I really saw angels and I honestly doubt I did. There are enough factors involved for me to think it was a combination of tiredness, wishful thinking and poor eyesight! I can still recall certain words from when I used to speak in tongues; heavenly language or a clever production of the brain?

I have far too many doubts about my many religious experiences to think they were genuine. I think I wanted them to be genuine more than anything else. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. There are certainly things which cannot be explained, but I have too many doubts and cannot believe there is a god out there. Those inexplicable things can remain a mystery for now.

The Loud Silence

I went to my twin brother's graduation on Saturday. Joe graduated with a degree in theology and will be ordained in July. I am very proud of him and he studied hard for five years to achieve it. What struck me though, was something one of his former lecturers said during the ceremony.

John Colwell was speaking and I have a lot of respect for him. I find his life story fascinating and he challenges very narrow minded opinions and conceptions that Christians may have. One thing stuck with me though and it was how he said God will do more than our wildest dreams. I frankly find this wishful thinking. I see nothing in the world we live in or from my own experiences as a Christian to see why Christians believe this. God is very much a god of disappointment with seemingly very little interaction with the children he supposedly created.

I don't have anything new to say in objection to faith in god, but things that make me unable to subscribe to a belief, is god's rather loud silence. If god is all powerful (omnipotent) then he chooses not to intervene in events which surely, surely he should have stepped in on and said, “Enough!”. The Bible accounts of him doing this: he showed miracles and powerful direct actions to free the Israelites from slavery and potential genocide. Jesus calmed storms and rose the dead. So why, why does god not stop the extermination of millions of Jews or intervene in the awful genocide in Rwanda when the international community chose to ignore it? If god exists then he either couldn't get involved, meaning he's not all powerful, or he chose not to get involved which makes me question the theology that he is all loving. It seems a strange way to show you are an all loving being.

I feel so much more comfortable with god not existing and understanding that he can't help because he's not there. It means we don't have to explain away why god seems rather absent in so many things. Complex theologies are not needed and false hope of Jesus returning to eradicate evil is dispensed with. Of course I have many questions and see things which cannot be explained, but I see more to make me feel god isn't there than to think that he is.

To sum, it takes more faith for me to believe in god than not.

Pushing Open the Door

The door to atheism creaked open more than flew open with some moment of enlightenment. A number of factors made me step, tentatively, through into the realms of disbelief more than anything else. It hasn't been black and white and I think that's what surprised me. When I converted to Christianity, it was through lots of exploration, but ultimately, what clinched it for me was a very emotional moment. That's not a bad thing at all and that's very much me. I am a very emotional person and will put a lot of emotion into whatever I do. It can be detrimental, but I believe it also shows a lot of integrity. I like that I'm emotional.

So a lot of emotional factors have definitely played a part to becoming an atheist. I grapple with depression for a start. It is something I struggle with most days and causes me to go to dark places so it's hard to see clearly. It can sometimes disable me even physically, but ultimately I am on top of it and through the support of others and mantras I try to use about myself, it won't drag me down.

It's the causes of my illness though that have turned me away from Christianity and any belief in a god. Quite honestly the actions of many people within the church put a mental burden on me that I could no longer deal with and I guess my brain shut down. I felt an immense amount of pressure to be someone I could never be and granted I put a lot of that pressure on myself, but also there was so much judgement and condemnation flying around, it was hard to gain a positive sense of self. I don't really feel I need to get into the details, but I have felt so much resentment towards so many people within the church (internationally as well as locally) I couldn't bear to be a part of that anymore. With such disillusionment with so many people, it caused me to question so much about the belief system I held on to with such passion.

As I questioned it, it caused greater disillusionment with the God I believed to be perfect and all loving. In fact, I began to find him lazy, impotent and even cruel. I'll expand on that in another post.

But what has happened is I could not deny that I no longer believed in God and had to push the door to atheism open to see if it was just the Christian God or all gods. I realised I was much happier when I realised I believed this existence is finite.

So I've stepped through and here I stand.

Journey to Disbelief

I think journey to disbelief is apt because I have taken a journey to atheism from a very fundamentalist state of mind. Complete extremes define a lot of who I am and I guess I'm not surprised that I'm now an atheist. I'm not sure I'm able to live in grey areas.

I know that writing this will be cathartic as I feel sick about some of my former beliefs. If you met me in 2005, for instance, and you weren't a zealous Christian, I would have assumed you were going to suffer in Hell for eternity. I remember telling close friends they were destined for Hell. I said it so matter of factly, it disturbs me to think I was like that. What a callous and strange way to behave? Christianity is meant to be about love and grace and I was far from loving and gracious to people. It had to be so black and white and if people didn't fit into certain boxes then they weren't following God correctly. Fundamentalism and conservative evangelicalism is based a lot on insecurity. It enables people to fit life's questions into neat little boxes and gloss over those really confusing and difficult questions which have no answers. We cannot provide answers to so many things and as I became more and more 'liberal' as a Christian I realised having questions, which couldn't be answered, was actually healthy.

I think though the biggest impact I've felt since becoming an atheist is the liberation emotionally. I feel so much more alive now that I no longer hold on to those beliefs. I feel so much more at ease with the world I inhabit believing there is no god and that this life is all there will ever be. I find that so much more comforting than the idea of an eternity with so many people I would hate to spend a day with let alone forever. It actually seems rather cruel and ironic to think heaven will be filled with some of the most judgemental, critical and plain banal characters around. So I'd rather not be there really.

Ultimately I have a new faith. And this faith is enabling me to feel at ease in my own skin. Slowly but surely.