I think journey to disbelief is apt because I have taken a journey to atheism from a very fundamentalist state of mind. Complete extremes define a lot of who I am and I guess I'm not surprised that I'm now an atheist. I'm not sure I'm able to live in grey areas.
I know that writing this will be cathartic as I feel sick about some of my former beliefs. If you met me in 2005, for instance, and you weren't a zealous Christian, I would have assumed you were going to suffer in Hell for eternity. I remember telling close friends they were destined for Hell. I said it so matter of factly, it disturbs me to think I was like that. What a callous and strange way to behave? Christianity is meant to be about love and grace and I was far from loving and gracious to people. It had to be so black and white and if people didn't fit into certain boxes then they weren't following God correctly. Fundamentalism and conservative evangelicalism is based a lot on insecurity. It enables people to fit life's questions into neat little boxes and gloss over those really confusing and difficult questions which have no answers. We cannot provide answers to so many things and as I became more and more 'liberal' as a Christian I realised having questions, which couldn't be answered, was actually healthy.
I think though the biggest impact I've felt since becoming an atheist is the liberation emotionally. I feel so much more alive now that I no longer hold on to those beliefs. I feel so much more at ease with the world I inhabit believing there is no god and that this life is all there will ever be. I find that so much more comforting than the idea of an eternity with so many people I would hate to spend a day with let alone forever. It actually seems rather cruel and ironic to think heaven will be filled with some of the most judgemental, critical and plain banal characters around. So I'd rather not be there really.
Ultimately I have a new faith. And this faith is enabling me to feel at ease in my own skin. Slowly but surely.
Interesting post Tom, if you want to see something quite warped and along the same lines have a look at-
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFZ1jVO3-OE
Prepare yourself!
Wow, that is pretty surreal! Honestly, how on earth did you stumble across that?! Bizarre, but a bit scary if that's what Mormons believe. But then again, I find a lot of religious beliefs strange and scary now. :)
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine who surfs the net a lot, he found it and told me to watch it. It's weeeird! You can tell why it was banned! Each to their own I guess. :)
ReplyDelete