Having depression is a major struggle to say the least. After finally admitting that I had a problem and going to the doctor, it has been improving, but my god there are dark days.
Being a man though, did not make it more difficult to admit I had a problem. The usual cliché of 'hardening up' and 'pulling myself together' never entered my mind. It was more stubborn refusal to admit that I wasn't coping. I'm quite a perfectionist, so to have an imperfect state of mind, which also countered my easy-going and jovial self, seemed utterly ridiculous. I've always enjoyed being centre of attention at parties and the source of good humour. I was dumbfounded when the thought of being in a social situation actually caused me to have a panic attack. It knocked me sideways.
Being prescribed anti-depressants felt like defeat, like I was going to be another one on happy pills. I resented taking them. But the difference they have made is incredible. They're helping me (along with my counsellor) to get to the root of why I'm depressed. It's a long slog, but doors are opening. I do know that part of the reason has been to do with my faith. My belief in god wore me down and made me feel utterly inadequate. I hate, absolutely hate the idea that we're meant to feel worthless and pitiful in front of god. Because it completely dragged my self esteem down. The pressure I put on myself to be doing all that was right and virtuous repressed me emotionally and physically. I did lose a lot of weight when I was a believer. I started to lose interest in my physical self, as it was my soul which was the real thing to worry about. Theologically incorrect and I knew it was, but it still didn't stop me doing, on some levels, a form of self harm. I wasn't looking after myself.
I knew something was wrong when one day I couldn't even make a cup of tea. I simply stared at the kettle, paralysed. It was horrendous. Being trapped mentally like that is awful. So it was when I started taking medication and dealing with the illness that it became liberating. The other thing which really helped was renouncing my faith. I feel so much more alive by believing there is no god, which is ironic as Jesus always spoke about liberating people.
I don't feel my belief system is dictating my mind. It is now a facet to my life which is not centre stage. I'm able to focus more on the things which I want to achieve and I hope am more able to give the love to others I want to give. I'm no longer repressed.
Hi Tom - be interested to know what you make of this post/sermon of mine: http://elizaphaniantns.blogspot.com/2010/07/depression-and-gerasene-demoniac.html
ReplyDeleteCheers
Interesting because I know I have done a lot of stoning to myself. I do also agree that pills can be a rather superficial means to finding the real root to the problem. My doctor always said that the pills are not the cure but a means to helping you be in a place to find the root to your depression and deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI know personally that I can become very insular and separate myself from the community I belong to, which does not help in the slightest. My friends and family do help bring equilibrium to my state of mind.
I am also aware that my brain is not functioning right and that it may be genetic because my birth grandfather suffered from depression.
I do believe that spiritual balance does bring healing and my gripe with myself and others is to do with conservative evangelicalism and fundamentalism. It brought me down. The Christ of love and grace, the Paul of love and grace I wholly embrace and support anyone who follows these paths. I am finding balance through atheism and trying to be a bit easier on myself. I am prone to striving for something in myself that will never be achieved. I think that faith in God was a means of transferring my own insecurities into another. God became an idol of who I thought I should be, but in the negative aspects. I actually feel it is dangerous for me to believe in God because I cannot see him as a loving father, but someone who will always be disappointed. I know that is down to my own vulnerabilities and I'm ever so sad about the way i see myself so often, but it helps me if I turn away from faith in God, because I don't think I can actually handle it.
My goodness, very honest reply!
Honest replies are the only ones worth giving...
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've been seeing a very sensible doctor, I very much like that approach.
A couple of further thoughts. The first is a quotation from Simone Weil (and I have several times tried to track down the source and failed, so this is from memory, but I'm sure the gist is right!): "If you are ever forced to choose between Jesus and the truth, you must choose truth. Because if you choose truth you will inevitably end up with Jesus, but if you choose Jesus you will end up with neither."
The second is that, in a very real sense, atheism is a necessary element in the journey of faith - indeed, letting go of the idols that you talk about is absolutely essential for any maturity in the faith. We are all very partial to making God in our own image (positively or negatively) and the elements of atheist criticism therefore need to be incorporated into theology in order to keep it honest. This used to be something both understood and practiced in theology before the Reformation, but the church has rather lost its way since then. When I'm feeling charitable, I see Dawkins etc in this light.
Which is all a round about way of saying: the important thing is not the label that you give yourself, whether it is atheist or believer or whatever, but that you are growing as a person in the truth. Which, it seems to me, is exactly what you are doing.
(You'll forgive me if I add a silent 'Alleluia' at the end of that sentence ;-0 )