Miracle?

One thing I have to grapple with intellectually is whether or not I saw and experienced miracles when I was a Christian. My posts have highlighted God's apparent lack of action or interaction with his creation, but miracles are a big sign that he does indeed make his presence known.

I have numerous stories of God's apparent presence and involvement and I am trying to understand how that fits in to my new found atheism; did I see miracles?

Did I see angels outside my bedroom window one night? Did I pray for people to be healed and they actually were? Could I really speak in tongues (a language given by God)? Was I able to prophesy into people's lives and know things about them no-one else could possibly know? How much of this was genuine and how much of this was simply wanting it to be real and therefore believing God was involved.

I'm not entirely sure. That's not to say I'm not firm in my belief in there being no god, but it's incredible how much we, as humans, can do by the simple power of thought. In very intense religious meetings, with everyone expectant and desperate for god to do something, you see a lot of people believing god is actually doing something. The hype creates a lot of apparent miracles. I know there were times I was so desperate for god to answer my prayers and perform a miracle I forced my reactions; not to be some sort of fraud, but a need to know god's presence. I simply wonder how often it was emotion and psychological need other than god actually being there.

I don't know if I really saw angels and I honestly doubt I did. There are enough factors involved for me to think it was a combination of tiredness, wishful thinking and poor eyesight! I can still recall certain words from when I used to speak in tongues; heavenly language or a clever production of the brain?

I have far too many doubts about my many religious experiences to think they were genuine. I think I wanted them to be genuine more than anything else. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. There are certainly things which cannot be explained, but I have too many doubts and cannot believe there is a god out there. Those inexplicable things can remain a mystery for now.