The Butterfly Effect

Step on those beautiful wings to stop the chain,
But don't you see what you do multiplies the pain?
You crush the wings in your palm to slow the process,
But you have multiplied the outcome beyond what you possess.

A butterfly flaps and and Tsunami roars and consumes,
The gentle wings wakes Krakken and his deadly fury.
We stare at the Admiral's enchanting colour and purity,
Forgetting the chain reaction he brings forth infinitely.

I have wings which help me to wonderfully soar and fly,
So please don't drag me down and tell me it's goodbye.
For my tears will fall and turn into floods of pain,
Which overtake us and sweep us away like a runaway train.

Hold me close, for as you do the love entwines our souls,
And lights our beings like never before and will again.
Let us stretch our wings and see their sublime effect,
As we soar together through darkness and light forever.

Panic Attack

I had a panic attack today. It hasn't happened in a while. Let me try to describe it. How it consumes me and wraps its fucking claws round my entire self. You feel it coming and you can't stop it. You feel it creeping up on you like a predator. Its presence lurks up and before you know it you're in its grip and mentally and physically crippled.

Your heart races. You get short of breath. Tears literally drip from your eyes and you feel utterly helpless. You feel like you're going insane.

I hate it because it's like a reminder that I'm mentally ill (as if I need reminding). My Intruder pounces, just to let me know he's still there. Like a big "fuck you." I've felt good over the past weeks. I still feel good. I'm happy and I see hope shining through into many areas of my life. So this panic attack has hit me sideways. My Intruder has punched me in the face. It has come out of nowhere. That's the thing - it's a stark reminder that I may have depression all my life. It may well be a piece in the picture of what makes me Tom.

I'm okay with that. I simply hate being absolutely knocked over like this, where I have to leave work in a mess, climb into bed, close the curtains and hide from the world.

I won't be be beaten. I will win the war against my Intruder.

Handle with Care

We should not become immersed in our own self-importance. We are not the centre of creation or gods of this universe.

We are though, people who have great power to love and be loved. We also have the power to be hurt and, in turn, hurt others.

We can hold the heart of another in our hands; and with that comes great responsibility. We are able to squeeze the life out of another and crush their heart in a heartbeat if we're not careful. It can be through recklessness or manipulation. It can be through neglect or through even good intentions. Whatever the reason, we must remember a person is fragile and should be handled with care. For we know the desire to be handled with care ourselves. At times I have been reckless. And for that I am sorry.

Be gentle with my heart,
For in your hands,
You hold my dreams.

The Sparkle in My Eyes

I am much more stable and happy. I am not drowning in my own despair, hoping and wishing for the waters of destruction to wash over me and crush the air from my lungs. I am not looking for ways to hurt myself physically and emotionally. I am not nonchalant about my own well-being.

Ten months ago I was indifferent to my own safety. I told my therapist I couldn't care less of something bad happened to me. I was in a position of being harmed by others and harming myself. I was not at peace with Tom and almost viewed me from outside of myself. I saw myself through other eyes; cold and distant eyes; eyes that saw Thomas as an object, not a human. The cold, hard, indifferent stare was rather indifferent to what harm may have befallen me. I had lost the sparkle. BUT, now I have it back:

I have life, love and liberty surging through my veins. I am empowered by a sense of new life, new hope, new expectations. I am not consumed by my Intruder's manipulation. He is still present, but his voice is but a distant whisper. He has been confined to a tiny prison in my mind, where he can rattle the bars and protest, but I will fight against him. He will not be allowed to wander through the corridors of my mind.

There is potential in many areas of my life and I am not defined by a craving for 'success'. I want many things from my life, but I want them because I am passionate about them, not because I seek approval from others. I am living for me and those I love who are around me.

My journey continues.

30

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. I don't believe a specific date can suddenly change the course of how your life is going.

I am turning 30 in a few hours and what I do believe is the significance it is bringing. I have been guiding my life along a different path over the past few months. I've stumbled and fallen. I've got back up bloodied and bruised, but even more determined to see my life in a new light. A new dawn. So, turning 30 is marking how my life is on a different path; a path where I'm going to reach for my dreams and strive to pursue that which makes me happy, at peace and fulfilled.

I will be a published author. I will be a loving partner. I will be at peace with Thomas.

Peace. x

Stars

Look at the stars, how they're a glimpse into the past.
They shine from eons ago when we did not exist.
They explode with force and power, burning bright and true,
Lighting up our lives in the epic, endless sky.

Do not let their seeming soft twinkle deceive you,
For these stars hold grandness and majestic allure.
In their light darkness is quenched and pushed back,
Filling our skies with wonderful symbols of hope.

May your life burn with force and beauty,
Filling other's lives with love and grandeur.
Pushing back the darkness, despair and hopelessness,
And enveloping those around you in warming, healing light.

Blinded

I believe in the authenticity of human encounters, no matter how brief. I believe we can all be dazzled by others and our shared moments should never be disregarded. We can never tell where our futures will lead and what strange, ugly and beautiful things await us.

I also believe in integrity. And sometimes authentic human encounters can lack integrity. I have not always shown this trait and I don't hold many regrets, but lacking in integrity is one of them. I think we can be blinded in moments though and it allows core values to be ushered aside in place of the 'here and now.' We can convince ourselves we are acting true to who we are when,in fact, we are walking blindly, fumbling through the darkness; groping for anything we can get hold of to remain upright. Unfortunately we will then reach out for things which are toxic or facilitators to making the world darker so we are not confronting the reality of who we are and what we truly stand for.

I love having the light of my life bursting into my life. I love knowing I have integrity of emotion and am no longer staggering around in the dark. I am not lying to myself and am not pretending everything's "okay" when it's not.

I have many aspects to my life which I want to change and evolve. I am reaching for the stars. But I am reaching with peace in why I am and love for why I am. I am no longer blind. I am not grasping for anything near by, simply to hope it makes me happy. I know what I want for my life and I know what I can achieve.

I once was blind but now I can see.

My Friends

I have friends who are really hurting at the moment. Friends who are dealing with very different situations, but still hurting from very real and raw situations.

Life is very much about perspective, but there are still constants which run through life and we all understand.

My beautiful friend (who has been in my life for many years) is grappling with a broken friendship. She is hurting and feeling confused. I must admit. I feel responsible for fueling the fire of how this friendship has broken down, but I also know friendships run deeper than that. This friendship has fractured and what strikes me is how grace and love is being withdrawn. It's like the friendship is being used as a means to withdraw and hide away from the world. My friend is desperate for the friendship to restore but is being closed out and rejected. Grace? No. We all hurt at times, but unconditional love surpasses everything.

My other dear friend is processing very difficult emotions and a situation which should never be judged. I trust her ability to handle it and know how far she can go with it. Ultimately, this is our life to live and we must walk its rugged path.

I just want them both to know I am there for them and love them. Always and forever. x

*C*

*C* is an alcoholic. *C* has been an alcoholic for many years. I have known him for seven years and he has grappled with this disease for many years before I even first met him. I saw *C* today. I haven't seen him in a long time. He was staggering down the middle of the road as I was driving home from work. He was drunk and disorientated.

I drove past him and stopped. I couldn't leave him to to negotiate with passing traffic. I turned around, parked and stopped him in the street. After a few moments he recognised me. He started to cry. As people walked past and families rode past on their bicycles *C* was begging me to help him. I said I would. I said I would help him to stop hurting. I said I would do what I can to help him stop drinking and get to the root of why he is trying to kill himself through alcohol.

I got him in my car and drove him home.

I phoned an old friend and asked for his advice. Andy is a former headteacher, who is full of wisdom, grace and love. He is going to help me as we try to help *C*. I know alcoholism has deep, dark and destructive claws. I'm not naive and know unless *C* truly wants helps, he will never get better. But I hope we can maybe lead him down the right path.

I feel burdened know. I want to cry. I feel knocked sideways by this encounter. I need a hug.

Exorcism

It's time to exorcise these demons; these cloudy, heavy intrusions,
They know it's time to flee my mind, for I'm no longer under their illusion.
They have wrapped their tails of deceit around the corridors of mind,
Weaving their black magic through the fabric of my sanity,
Injecting my life force with darkness, despair and futility.

Chained by contempt, I have writhed and wriggled to break free,
Determined not to be who they want me to be.
Their claws have curled around my fragile brain, digging in deep,
Drawing out blood and hope and infecting with the insane.

It's time to exorcise these demons, these hosts of hopelessness,
For in their place blasts through light not dread,
Giving my soul refreshment and hope instead.

Come to my mind beams of light and complete purity,
Enveloping me with warmth and love and serenity.
Wrap me in your wings and secure me in the knowledge of your peace,
For I am no longer navigated by destruction but I sing,
In the guiding, healing light you now bring,

Opposites

Life and death. Love and hate. Joy and sadness. Laughter and tears. Rough and smooth. Each day we see opposites colliding. We see the joy of new life in hospitals and homes as babies gasp for their first breath and a bundle of new life is placed into a mother's arms. Then we see the slow procession of a hearse taking a lost loved one to their final resting place. We see hospitals full of tears of joy and churches full of tears of sadness as people bid farewell to someone who has touched their lives and left a fingerprint of love.

Working in a restaurant I always observe the variety of emotions buzzing through the place. You see the couple who are comfortable in their skin and feel no need to say anything but simply enjoy the food and their surroundings. The sublimely comfortable silence.

Then there are those who are sitting in silence out of awkward awareness of how they have a lot less to say than they thought. The silence is magnified by the excited chatter of others around them. A quick meal and quick exit marks the uncomfortable aura around them.

You see those who are brimming with joy; exuberant laughter and excited story telling fills the air as their happiness is infectious. I smile with them as I revel in seeing people utterly caught up in the moment. Heads tipped back in laughter; touching of arms and gentle hitting as one mocks another in good humour.

The you see those whose meal is tainted by anger and frustration. Maybe the meal was meant to be a peace sign - a treaty even. But the arguments continue. Angry words in hushed tones so no-one notices. The rigid bodies and negativity reveals too much though. Showing a couple with forgiveness needed and issues to resolve.

This is what I love; the diversity of life in one small restaurant. In one small community. Ultimately, in one small country. We are all part of a rich tapestry of life and death. Love and hate. Laughter and tears. Joy and sadness. We are not an island. We are not centre of the universe. We are all on a strange, difficult and beautiful journey.

A journey of opposites. A journey of contradictions. A journey of confusion. A journey of peace. A journey of love.

Entwined

Stay with me a while and hold me near.
Listen as our hearts dance in unison,
Driving out the sadness and utter fear.
Our souls intrinsically entwined as one.

Don't walk into the night, wandering the darkness,
Drifting through the streets, a soul lost,
But wrap your arms around me and feel my breath,
As I kiss your neck and am transfixed by your touch.

Turn away from the door and turn your eyes to me,
Look deep into my eyes and be enchanted,
Because it is there where true love you'll see.
And the passionate fire blazes into your gaze.

Tremble at the touch of my hand my lover,
For these hands are for you alone.
I will marvel at your beauty forever,
And with you it seems the sun never goes down.