My Dad

We're not invincible, indestructible or immovable.  Sometimes we can believe there is no fear of falling ill, getting hurt or even dying.  We know it's not true but still imagine we are like Superman and bullets will bounce off us.  For me, some of the thinking that life will keep going and going is through how I perceive my dad.  Dad is 6' 3" with hands like shovels and has worked on the water as an oysterman through high winds, freezing winters, baking summers, recessions, eras of boom and when everything has seemed hopeless.  He has always been this indestructible figure in my life; until now.

I have this vivid memory of Joe, my twin, and I challenging Dad to an arm wrestle.  We were only 10 or 11 at the time and we both wrapped our hands round one of dad's hands (hands like shovels) and said, "Three, two, one, go!" and we couldn't even move his arm.  We were slightly in awe of this strong man who was our dad.  I won't rose-tint my childhood by stating I had this close bond with my dad because I remember him working more than anything else, but I have always loved him deeply and always seen him as this slightly towering figure.

It's not simply his physical presence though because it's his intellectualism too that I have always respected.  I love to learn and I love to read and dad is the same.  Dad is a man who remembers facts and things he has read, even from years ago.  He is a very intelligent man and I have always looked up to that and I like to think my 'success' at academia has been connected to having a clever dad.

I deeply respect this man.

So it has been achingly difficult to see any sort of vulnerability in him because, well, he's dad.  Recently Joe and I went with dad to see the new Bond film as we're all Bond fans.  We had a fun night.  When we were walking back to the car park Dad tripped and fell.  Being a tall man, he fell hard.  Luckily he wasn't hurt but to see him fall like that really shook me and Joe up.  I got home and wept in Carmen's arms.  It was horrible to see dad in a vulnerable state.

So it has been hard as a family (and obviously for dad) having had to see him in hospital recently.  He was in for a few days and is having to have tests to find the root of his illness (which I won't go into here).

Suffice to say, it has struck home that dad isn't immortal and invincible and we have to accept the fact. Even writing that sentence is acutely difficult.  I need to appreciate him more and I also need to appreciate many others around me because life can be far too fleeting and regret is not something I want to have sitting on my shoulder.

Love and appreciate those around you.  Make that phone call; reply to that text; say I love you more often.

Don't let the Wolf in

Don't let the wolf in the gate.  It is hard to let the light through because we can be certain the shit stuff about ourselves is more pertinent to who we are and what we do.  It is hard to let the positives take a true hold on us instead of apathy because we would rather take a back seat and let boredom, banality, basic laziness and a belief our lives are not particularly interesting.  We may make others believe life is amazing through Facebook and Twitter with quirky updates of what we do but, let's face it, most of us sit on a sofa wishing we were doing more than sitting on a sofa.

The wolf likes to creep in though and devour the desires and dreams of our hearts and minds.  How often do you sit and think about things you wish you were doing or had done? How many hours a week do you daydream of things but believe they will never happen because such dreams are unrealistic?  The problem is we can be the wolf to others and tear apart people's dreams.  There's an insightful scene in The Office where Ricky Gervais's Brent is doing an appraisal of Dawn; she dreams of being an illustrator and Brent says that she should keep doing the "doodles" but when it all fails at least she'll have a job as a receptionist.  It's a great scene because this is so often the case; we can dampen people's dreams with our own cynicism and fears.  We can be too scared to step out and do something we have always dreamed of doing because we're afraid of failure and rejection.

But

What we end up doing is painting a false picture of our reality by making others believe our lives are full of interesting, innovative incidents.  Life isn't an episode of Friends where stuff happens all the time, but life also isn't meant to be full of nothingness.  When all you have to talk about is what to watch on television or what someone wrote on Facebook you know you are not living life to the full.  Life is for living and we should remember that we only have one shot.

Ad astra per aspera (through hardships to the stars).  Life is difficult and the thought of doing something new can feel far too strenuous but as the quote states, we can go through difficulties and reach the stars.

Remember Who You Are

Some people would love to be able wipe away their memories and forget the depressing and destructive incidents in their lives.  I sympathise with such a 'dream' because some people have been through the absolute horrific and are reminded of those horrors each time they look in the mirror, hear a certain sound or see a certain thing; it can be a relentless reminder of past pain.  

I had a dream the other day about self harming and how I was doing it again.  I woke up feeling ashamed and depressed; the knot in my stomach was twisting and turning.  I didn't want to forget what has happened in the past, even though I was ashamed of it all.  To forget past pain and moments of utter despair where I hurt myself would actually cause me to forfeit an element of my personality.  Our memories very much define who we are and shape us into the people we are today.  

That time I cried and sobbed so much I thought it wouldn't stop is part of what makes me Tom.  It is a reminder that I am deeply emotional and the tears were healing and redemptive and even though I was mentally battered and bruised I found peace through the tears; I always want to remember that.

That time I cut myself repeatedly out of utter disgust for who I am is a piece that slots into the picture of my life.  The scars remind me that I am no longer filled with self-loathing and redemption does indeed come.  Scars of hate are now scars to remind me of healing; I always want to remember that.

The time I couldn't get out of bed and needed the room to be dark because the thought of seeing the outside world was terrifying.  It is a reminder that I do leave the house now and I engage with the world.  I run a restaurant and have a wonderful social life.  I am not locked away in darkness but loved by Carmen and walk proudly down the road with her.  I always want to remember that.

You are not a victim of your past but a product of it.  Therefore ensure you do not try to run away from it but allow its lessons to shape you in the present.  

Peace. x 

Important Things in Life

We need to understand that there are some things in life to take seriously and other things we need to let go of.  Being a Western, male, middle class man I am in a very fortunate position; I have money to spend, I can vote and speak out against politicians and corrupt bankers; I can love who I wish and I have little fear of being attacked by domestic or non-domestic people or forces.  In short, I am blessed to have the life I have and be surrounded by my partner, friends and family who love me.

If I was a 31 year old man in Syria right now I would more than likely be dead or maimed and have blood on my hands that would pollute and infest my conscience.  If I was a 31 year old man in North Korea I would be bowing before a statue of their deluded dictator.  If I was a 31 year old man in the Democratic Republic of Congo I would probably have been a soldier from the age of 12 and have killed and raped dozens of people. If I was 31 year old man in Palestine I probably would have seen my family blown to pieces by an Israeli air strike.  If I was a 31 year old man in Afghanistan I would probably be cradling the dead body of my child in my arms owing to an American drone strike.

I am a 31 year old man in England where life is blessed and I must always remember to be  grateful for that freedom and safety of the community I live in.  And this is the thing, we spend too often obsessing over trivialities as if they are hugely significant when, in fact, they are not.  We can latch on to an issue or a minor problem and balloon it to epic proportions because we seem to believe it is almost a matter of life and death.

Carmen and I have neighbours who are like dogs with a bone and have made our lives quite difficult of late because of their incessant obsession;  we have received two official complaints from them regarding our dog and also been verbally accosted by them when getting home from work, which is rather intimidating.  When you mention the word ‘dog’ you think of a large, violent animal but the dog they have so much concern over is a 12 years old Cocker Spaniel.  Fearsome indeed. 

We have never had anyone be but smitten with our dog, Thistle but it seems these two older women do not find her quite so endearing.  It has become rather farcical though because we have been made to feel like we are social morons who have an out of control dog.  Thistle is about as threatening as a small breeze and would lick you to death before she ever bit you. 

Our neighbours’ rather farfetched viewpoints though signify how fortunate they are in life if an old Spaniel is all they have to worry about.   They, like many of us, forget how fortunate in life we are; how utterly blessed we are to be in the position we are in.  I don’t really need to lock my house because crime rates are so low – I do anyway but I don’t need to.  I don’t wake up each day wondering if a drone will obliterate my village; I don’t wake up each day in a shop doorway shivering, smelling and completely dejected; I don’t sell my body and give blow jobs in toilets to pay for a crack addiction. 

It doesn’t mean to say life is a breeze that I sail through – I know what it is to want to die; I know what it is to hate the man I see in the mirror and cut myself hoping the pain will release the sense of loathing I feel; I know what it is to go through heart break and anguish; I know what it is to be scared on how I am going to pay the bills coming through the door; I know what it is to feel constantly depressed and cloaked in darkness where your only comfort is the mental pain thumping at your brain. 

The darkness and despair didn’t magically disappear, it took the love and strength of those close to me, therapy and my own self will to drag my bleeding body out of the pit of hopelessness and into the light of hope.   I had to work for the happiness I now have and work for a balance – with love and empathy from others I was able to achieve it, but it also helped me to appreciate the important things and dismiss the trivial things.  The cliché is true – life is too short. 

Don’t be caught up in things that suck all your energy but have no real meaning or purpose.  Don’t obsess over stuff that really doesn’t matter.  Don’t be consumed by those banal things that we turn into a monster in our own image.  Don’t let your insecurities cause you to fall into the trap of projecting those insecurities on to others and making their life difficult. 

Life can be tough but remember the wonderful things that do fill it and hold on to those. 

Prince Charming

The excitement at first is almost too much to bear.  You experience those electrifying yet excruciating butterflies in your stomach; your girlfriends are grinning with glee that you have finally got this opportunity.  Will he like me? Will he want to see me again? Will he be as wonderful as I imagined for all this time? These thoughts pulsate through your mind and  they almost make you dizzy.

Some of your friends say he's, "aloof," and there has been rumours that he hasn't been as charming as he makes out.  You know your friends are simply jealous though because you got a date with Prince Charming and they didn't.  To you he doesn't seem aloof but simply mysterious; you imagine he's like the vampire Edward with brooding, deep thoughts and dreams.  You imagine that he will hold you and whisper that he will never let you go.  You are his Bella.  He's probably a bit broken and bruised from being hurt before so is scared to let someone in as they may hurt him beyond redemption; but you are going to be his saviour; you are going to be his dream.

There's a knock at the door and your girlfriends giggle with excitement.  They tell you not to "put out" on the first date and you roll your eyes because you know he won't be like that.  You promise to text them later with an update.  As you approach the front door you can hear your friends upstairs in your room laughing like a herd of hyenas and you shudder with nerves as you pull the door open.

He's standing there looking like an angel from above and his car is quietly purring, inviting you to get in and be taken somewhere exciting and unknown.  He doesn't say much and doesn't open the car door for you, but that's okay because he's probably nervous too. As he speeds off, your house retreating in the distance (almost calling you back) he mutters that he has to stop at a mate's house first.  You smirk a little as it means he wants you to meet his friends already.  He must like you more than you realised. 

The house smells of boys and booze.  You crinkle your nose as it reminds you of your older brother's room.  You sit on a dirty sofa after brushing off cigarette ash. A plastic cup is handed to you.  You ask what it is.  "A proper drink," is the reply from one of the mates.   You never caught his name and his eyes are bloodshot making him look vampiric in an unsettling way.  You take a sip and the liquid burns your throat.  You try not to gag as he's watching your reaction and you realise you need to appear grown up as this is the drink grown-ups drink.  He downs his and asks if you'd like another.  You want to say no but find you're muttering yes.  He reaches his hand out for your cup so you down the drink and pass the cup back to him.  He leaves the room with a cloud of blue smoke wafting round him from the dozens of cigarettes smouldering in the ashtrays. 

A mate of his is sitting next to you and says hello.  You notice his eyes are not on your face and feel momentarily relieved when your date walks back in.  He doesn't seem to care though that his mate is staring at your breasts and you catch a fleeting wink to his mate.  You have another drink to calm the growing unease.  This is not the mysterious romance you had envisioned. 

You start to feel a bit funny in your tummy and your head is spinning.  You decide to lay your head back to try and bring the world to a stationary position.  Before you pass out you feel afraid.

When you wake up you instantly feel dirty.  Your head is groggy and you ache all over.  It takes you a while to work out where you are and you don’t recognise the room.  You experience the growing dread seep through your body like a poison and you know you have been raped; you know you have been raped by more than one guy; you vomit all over the floor in utter disgust.

You hear movement in another room and freeze with fear.  Prince Charming walks into the room and spits out the words, “If you say anything to anyone about last night you’re in the shit.  We recorded you fucking three of us and I know you won’t want your slutty mates to see it.”

You don’t even have any words to respond.  This has to be a horrible nightmare; this can’t be real because this type of thing doesn’t happen in real life does it?  You want to reach inside your skull and tear out your brains so you can forget any of this even happened.  Prince Charming casually puts on his trainers and states you have to get out now but only after you clear up the disgusting mess you’ve made.  You obediently clear up the vomit like Cinderella and find yourself saying sorry.  You’re apologising to the man who raped you. You feel worthless and utterly degraded. You’re 16 and have no innocence left. You sob.

As you’re scrubbing the floor you remember the press reporting about a girl being gang raped and how they said it was her fault because she must’ve led the boys on with what she was wearing and getting drunk.  You realise people will think you’re a slut who deserved it.  You wonder if you did deserve it.  You wonder if you’ll ever feel clean again.

As you sob you mumble out for your mum. All you want is your mum to cuddle you and tell you everything will be okay because you know you’re not a slut and you know that you’re a girl who was abused and degraded and that you need comfort and someone to wipe away your tears.

Your tears carry on flowing and you wipe them away with the back of your hand.  You vow not to be abused into silence but with trembling hands you carry on scrubbing the floor.  As you stagger out of his house and he slams the door behind you; you cry out in absolute horror and a passing man catches you as you faint. 

You wake up to see the wonderful face of your mum.  You vaguely recognise the man standing next to her as the guy who caught you when you passed out.  He reassures you that everything will be okay as your mum soothingly strokes your hair.  It will be okay in the end.  You feel sick and disgusting but you refuse to be bullied into silence.  You have no words as yet and you find your voice is hidden, too afraid to utter the horrors of the night.

One day soon though you will speak up and Prince Charming will face the consequences of what he did to you.  For now though you take comfort in the love of your mum.  For now that is all you need. 

For now.

Superficial Obsession

Russell Brand said something rather insightful on an American news channel.  The news panel were commenting on his attire and one guy said he might start dressing like Brand.  Brand retorted by observing everyone is obsessed by the superficial; he said not to focus on what he was wearing but by what he was saying.  He seemed to be a little bewildered by the show he was being interviewed on and said the problem with today's climate is everyone focuses on the superficial.

Brand is a bit of an enigma as his critique of the obsession with the superficial appears to directly conflict with his rather lavish lifestyle.  He may have said it with a smattering of irony, but I do think he meant it and regardless of its apparent hypocrisy he was right.  And after all, I think Brand revels in the irony of himself.

What Brand said though was utterly true as we (society) are painfully fixated on the superficial and false perceptions of humanity.  How am I perceived?  How do I perceive others?  We all make snap judgments about others because of what they wear, eat, say and do.  Being a restaurant manager I regularly assume something about a person as soon as they walk into my place - sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong.  The superficial dictates my assumptions about others though.  Judge not lest ye be judged.

The problem though, is we feed this superficiality and craving to be seen.  What disappointment we feel when people fail to 'like' a photo we upload of ourselves; a photo we were sure was going to get us a mini bit of attention for a few hours.  Don't get me wrong, most of us, most of the time want to share our lives with others because we're proud of the things we see and do.  Sometimes though, we feed the beast that says how we look and dress dictates our worth and the only way to find out our worth is how many 'friends' and 'followers' acknowledge our efforts.

In the darkest nights of my soul I wanted people to believe I was a care free rebel without a cause, living life on the edge; in fact I was a scared, vulnerable, suicidal young man.  Superficial obsession overruled integrity.

Don't let the same happen to you.

Peace.  x

Love Each Other

I really believe in the human race. I believe we are people of great potential and there are so many who astound me as to their wonderful altruism, creativity and absolute desire to show the world what we can be.  I was challenged recently because I was moaning about Government and about people who seem to persistently try to parasitically suck the life from society.  I was challenged because although I moaned, I was asked what, exactly, I did to help and improve society.  I was silenced.

I have done things in the past deemed as charitable and beneficial to society, but I can't say I am particularly altruistic in my day to day living.  It got me thinking though, great acts of charity don't need to be the way of being a useful cog in our society. 

Love, community and communication surely contribute.  I despise the ignorance we nurture.  I am always amazed as to how well The Sun and The Daily Mail sell. People lap up these 'news sources'.  People absorb these ignorant and false sources of information because (in my opinion) lazy and ignorant journalism is easier to stomach than opinion that challenges our worldview.

It is easier to agree with the idea that we are being flooded with blood sucking immigrants than analyse the complex nature of our ever diverse society and how many people would rather hire a foreigner than a native because at least the foreigner will turn up to the interview, let alone the actual job on time.

It is easier to scroll through Facebook and believe a post that claims our Government spends more on Foreign Aid than the welfare of our own society without actually researching the facts to find Britain's annual spend is only a tiny amount of our GDP.

It is easier to tar Muslims with the terrorist brush than realising that many British people commit huge acts of terrorism by leaving communities in fear every week by theft, abuse and rape of core ideals.

We need to stop believing the world owes us and understanding we owe our fellow man so much in that without love, community and communication we are individuals seeking to follow the god of greed and selfishness.

Peace.  x