The Seducer

Ah, that delightful temptation seeps through my veins like a thick syrup.  It oozes through my being clogging my system and seductively envelops me in a toxic hug.  It whispers sweetly in my ear inviting me in, reassuring me that this is the path to take; this is the road to freedom.  It feels intoxicating and I am almost drunk on the promises being massaged into my mind.  I am under a spell and I feel myself being pulled deeper and deeper into a dark and dangerous place.  I am becoming a slave.

Small voices of despair try to break through but they are muffled and censored behind a more powerful and inviting voice.  A voice which reassures me this route brings relief and it brings liberation.  The muffled voices cry out in protest and sob in utter horror, but I cannot really hear them because I don't want to hear them.  Their voices invoke fear but the other voice brings calm clarity.  The voices of despair smash themselves against their prison walls, screaming to be heard but the walls are growing thicker and their voices more distant.

"It is futile," whispers my seducer.  I nod in agreement.  It is futile.  I am spellbound.

Its smooth, cold perfection feels light and easy in my grip.  It is like an extension of me because I use it everyday with such skill and ease.  Why wouldn't I connect it with myself?  It's like an artist's brush or a musician's instrument; you give your everything to it and it, in turn, becomes part of you.  I anticipate the first cut in a long time and it feels exhilarating.

"NO!"

A muffled voice has broken free.

"You are loved.  You are better.  You are stable.  You are of worth."

I hesitate.

"You are not fucked up to do this anymore.  It's not just you you will be cutting, but those around you."

The seductive voice of self harm has lost her power and I can walk another day without new cuts that would become scars.  I can walk another day knowing I do not loathe myself.

I like myself.

Bloody hell, there's even days where I love myself.

Peace.      

Think of Me

Think of me when you're a little desperate and need a tender touch,
Think of me when your mind is racing and it feels too much.
Think of me when the world is like a field of terrible snares,
Think of me when all you desire is to know I deeply care.

Hold on to me when you feel your grip is slipping away,
Hold on to me when the night seems as if it will never become day.
Hold on to me when your heart won't stop beating hard,
Hold on to me when all you need is your hand held.

Cuddle in to me when the terror of the night makes you gasp,
Cuddle in to me as I will never leave, I am here to the last.
Cuddle in to me and listen to the gentle beat of my heart,
Cuddle in to me and let that rhythm bring peace to your heart.

Kiss me when you need to feel cared and loved,
Kiss me as I am the one you know you can trust.
Kiss me as these lips are yours and yours always,
Kiss me my sweet as I shall never walk away.

Society not Selfishness

Carmen and I have bought a house. Well, nearly.  We're almost there, we just need to sign the mortgage deeds and send the money through.  This is the crux of the issue though, because we were sent a bill by our solicitors today and it was much higher than we thought it should be.

I phoned the solicitors and questioned the bill and they dismissed me like I was a silly little child daring to question their 'professionalism'.  I then phoned our mortgage adviser asking for his, well, advice!  I went through the bill with him and he saw an anomaly and phoned the lawyers on our behalf and they admitted they had made a mistake by a whopping £800.  These are people charging hellish amounts of money and they were going to overcharge us by a huge figure.

They sent through a new bill and bloody hell, they'd adjusted their figures but somehow another £200 has been added to the bill in other areas.  I am absolutely disgusted by their brazen attempts to get money from us, as if we'll simply put our hands in our pockets and pay it.  They will be in for a fight.

Their approach though, sums up the disease of our society where greed and individualism is king.  If I can get something out of this, it doesn't matter how it affects others.  Fuck that.

If our society will ever succeed again it will be about integrity, grace and community.  I will never overcharge someone in my restaurant because it's about community enjoying the experience.  We will make a profit because we are good with our finances and welcome people back time and time again.

These lawyers trying to rob us don't understand that trying to do business by hoping you can fleece people without anyone noticing is parasitic and sucks the life out of society.  If these scum bags can sleep at night then I am amazed.

The Still, Small Voice

I hate feeling like I am not strong enough.  I know I have a good understanding of people and I know I have a good understanding of how people think.  I guess I always try to look for the best in people and try to believe that they are not intending to screw me over.  God, I know that is incredibly naive and, in fact, so many people out there are trying to get what they can regardless of how others are treated in the process.  It saddens me.

I have so many dreams and I truly believe I am exceptional at what I do but I have so many voices telling me to do this or do that, I suddenly struggle to understand what I AM actually thinking.  I am currently doubting my own abilities because so many other voices are giving me a very different story.  Their voices are not to be dismissed but it makes me question my own.

I need to gain a perspective where I can listen to the still, small voice of reason from my own mind and nod to it with confidence.  The problem with that is, I have so much noise that still, small voice is struggling to be heard.  I think this is currently reflecting my own state of mind.  

Do you ever struggle to hear your quiet voice?

Peace.  x

Your Voice

Why do you think your voice should not be heard?  What has warranted the silence and inability to speak?  Do you think you're stupid or that your mouth has been sewn shut?  Does it feel as if someone has threaded invisible chord through your lips so that no matter how much you desire to speak, only a muffled sound emits from your throat?

It doesn't have to be this way and it doesn't have to feel this way.  Your voice is powerful and must be heard.  Power doesn't come from how loudly you can SHOUT or who you can bully to be listened to.  Power comes from a quiet resolve and perseverance.  Power comes from a self-assurance that you do have something valid to say; it's the way you say it.  People with great words are confident in what they say and have self-belief.  Believe in who you are and your words will follow.

Don't be fooled into thinking that banal sound bites from Bieber and Jeremy Kyle are the epitome of what we have to say for ourselves.  We are meant to be so much more than that; the human race has been built on fabulous philosophy with eternal words of wisdom and depth.  "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Cogito ergo sum," "Yes we can," "Who, being loved, is poor?"  We are a species of great words and your words can become part of that fabric.

Your words and actions can become entwined in this rich history of humanity.  Your story and journey can become a vibrant, visual masterpiece which shouts into human history of who you are and what you can and did achieve.

Your voice can be a poetic, passionate and positive sound through so much noise.

Nightmares

Wowzers.  I woke up this morning after having had two nightmares.  They were pretty messed up dreams and involved blood, insanity and murder.  Those kind of intense dreams where you feel utterly helpless completely knocked me off balance for the entire day.  I regularly have very vivid dreams and usually they're exciting but these ones were disturbing and flooded me with anxiety.

I can never forget that I am vulnerable and need the support of those around me because the mind is a powerful thing and dominates who we are.

Carmen and I are juggling a lot at the moment and I know that with being pulled in many directions my mind is trying to process that.  I don't want to take too much on but to chase your dreams I think you have to run through fire to get there.  Getting burned is part of the process and I hope it refines me and make me stronger and more astute.  Two years ago I would never have been able to do some of what I am doing now and that comforts me because I am stronger.

I think and analyse too much sometimes and I definitely need to give my mind a rest at times because I can be pretty intense; the thing is though, that is what makes me Tom and if I wasn't this way I would probably be a bit of a shell - a zombie shuffling through life.

Let us be thankful of the opportunities we have and the ones we miss because at least we had those opportunities.  Also, never let our fears and nightmares cripple us because, after all, dreams can never hurt us.

Peace.  X

Dreamcatcher

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."  Oscar Wilde

Carmen and I have been having very odd dreams lately; our minds are working overtime and it is manifesting in uncomfortable and bizarre dreams.  We have a lot to process at the moment with real possibilities and quite a stunning 2013.  It's in the balance though and could simply be a year of disappointment.  Our dreams are signifying that we have a lot on our minds because we could be waking soon to find some of those  good dreams will be a reality.

I'm not sure I can count how many times I have grasped hold of something only to see it slip from my fingers at the last moment.  So often I have caught the dream in my hands and it has slipped through like a liquid.  I am very cautious nowadays to get excited because I'm not sure I want to deal with the feeling of dejection if it all falls through.  I want to catch hold of these dreams and seem them solidify and no longer be ethereal phantasms of my imagination.

I want to see the people, places and emotions I feel and see in my sleep become physical reality.  I will keep pushing and keep climbing; I have a beautiful and supportive partner who keeps driving me forward and reminding me this is not a journey being done alone.

The sun could be rising on a new era.