Reach for the Stars

At work today I was watching the various people eating in the restaurant and getting a glimpse into their lives. There was the table celebrating a birthday, giving a cake, with three candles to their elderly relative; the young couple who were clearly in love but enjoyed people watching, but always acknowledging each other through subtle hand holds and glances; the five desperate housewives who chatted loudly and enthusiastically about suburban life; the uptight group of four who, as friends, clearly needed to enjoy life more; the Spanish party of four who loved life and chatted passionately.

People are diverse and interesting and all on a journey to an unknown destination. They're all muddling through this world trying to understand who they are and where they fit in this strange existence. Nothing is certain for any of us. We may have a succesful career but possibly a rocky home life. We may be madly in love but struggling to make ends meet. We may be fervently certain about our soul but utterly lost about our physical state of health. We may be the perfect example of physical prowess but spiritually lost at sea. We may read five books a week and have diverse knowledge but be emotionally crippled. We all face those moments of questioning who we are and what we are here for.

But that is the beauty of this journey isn't it? This journey is along a road full of twists and turns and tests. This journey has no promises of being easy but it does provide wonderful possibilities where we can be people who reach beyond daydreams and grasp the stars.

Go grab a star.

Peace. X

Back on the Pills

So, I'm back on my medication. It was a difficult decision to make because I had gone through the long process of slowly coming off them and being stable and at peace without the need for medication. I have been on anti-depressants for over four years but still have this niggling sensation of it being a stigma although I know it isn't justified to feel this way.

I had felt a sense of freedom of being able to wake up each day without needing to pop a pill to stabilise my mood. I had felt the tight chords of darkness release their grip and allow me to breathe again. I had felt the wonderful sense of achievement of making a coice of whether the bleak despair has a say or the bright sense of optimism.

But, sometimes there's no stopping the train of depression. Sometimes it's not possible to fight of the feelings of disgust and self loathing. In those moments, no amount of 'PMA' or desperate hope that my mood will lift will actually make any difference. Sometimes there is a need to say, "Enough," and admit the absolute need for help. I went too long pretending I was okay and I would snap out of it. I went too long going through massive highs and lows, believing this was normal and sane. This time though, I saw the signs and swept aside pride and social stigma and made a choice.

I need the pills because it's not a simple case of snapping out of it. It's not a simple case of 'manning up.' It's not about seeing what happens. When you have an overwhelming desire to harm yourself, you know you need outside help and support. When the desire to harm yourself means you need someone by your side to ensure you don't do anything stupid, you know you need help.

So I am happy to be back on medication because it's okay to be vulnerable and it is okay to say, "I can't do this on my own."

Peace. X

Homeland and Depression

I was watching Homeland the other day and it is a really insightful drama about depression and the struggle it is and always will be.  When depressed it causes heightened paranoia, but it also gives greater insights into situations.  Unfortunately, because you're depressed others tend not to trust your judgement and you also doubt your own credibility.

Everything becomes magnified in a depressed mind, so that the smallest thing can seem gigantic.  A throwaway comment can be analysed and scrutinised for days, even weeks, in the mind of a depressed person.  There are comments from years ago that I sometimes still analyse to wonder if it really had any meaning and was actually truthful about who I am and what I stand for.

We all analyse things from time to time and can wonder, when we walk into a room if a couple of people laugh and look our way whether they were laughing at us.  With depression though, you don't brush it off but go home and tear apart your personality why they were laughing at you - when in fact, they were probably laughing and happened to look your way as they were laughing because you happened to walk through the door at the same time.

Homeland was very interesting because Carrie, the female protagonist, has bi-polar and is dismissed as crazy because of her disorder.  The irony is that although she is acutely ill, her insights are more valid than anyone realises.  I have come to accept that although there have been many times my judgement has been severely impaired, my natural instincts should never be doubted as my depression may magnify my emotions but don't nullify my instincts.

Depression does not take away my humanity, it affirms my humanity and the struggles we all face to be genuine, passionate people.

The Rat Race

Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience. Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise, because of impatience we cannot return.
W. H. Auden

Self harm feels good.  That's the problem. It's not like you do it and hate every moment; the moment of hatred comes before and after - during it you are so pumped with adrenaline, it feels slightly dreamlike.  That's why it's important to never, ever be complacent about it and the dangers of falling into the trap again.  It's a narrow path to walk to ensure self-inflicted pain doesn't become habit again.

Unfortunately, many of us self harm in so many other ways that are socially acceptable.  Just another burger; just another diet; just another trip to the gym; just another drink; just another hour at work.

In such a fast paced world, we're made to feel guilty for slowing down.  We feel guilty for stopping and 'being.'  We punish ourselves by keeping up with the pace or for not being able to.  At work I am always confronted by customers who are so impatient and no matter how fast and hard I work, it doesn't appear to be quick enough.  If I stop and talk for two minutes with a customer, just to see how they are and how life is, I am met with sighing and tutting.  Seriously, how fucked up are we, that we are incredulous at the simple interaction of two human beings?

I remember, at Easter, saying to an impatient customer that although it was Easter, and I was dark skinned, he must have been mistaking me for Jesus because I wasn't actually able to speed up time and have his table ready any quicker.

The Rat Race has a title with vermin in it - it's probably a good indication of how seriously it should be taken.

Choices

There are times when we have no choice; when our circumstances dictate that we have only one route to go and we must mange it as best we can.  Life, for that moment, is bound by one direction, one course of action.  There are moments though when we are faced with a choice, a decision, a life changing opportunity.  We walk to the fork in the road and have to decide.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does the pressure can be overwhelming.

I've had those moments and it's the utter uncertainty of which way to go that makes me really anxious.  I worry that one direction is the completely wrong direction.  I worry that walking one path will be detrimental to my life and I won't be able to fix it.  I will become trapped and unable to break free from a poor choice.

I know that's not the reality and, as humans, we are brilliantly able to adapt and change course with the will and ambition behind us.  But the worry that stepping down one path will be completely wrong can be crippling for me.

Facing choices at the moment is a real worry because I feel like I have made too many wrong decisions in the past and don't want to do another.  I want to trust my judgement; I want my gut to be right.

We shall see.