Life during Life

"If I died tomorrow, do you actually think you would never see me again?"

Carmen asked me this question not too long ago and it really challenged me.  Being an atheist means I do think this life is it and the journey ends when death wraps its cold arms around us.  It scares me to think that if Carmen, whilst I am writing this, dies would I ever see aher again in a life after?  Does the journey continue?  I have to be honest with myself though and, right now, I don't think I would see her again.  I believe the life we are sharing is the only journey we will share; therefore I need to make the most of her.

It's a brutal viewpoint, I know.  Some may see it as slightly callous because it seems alien to think we won't see loved ones again.  When a person dies the regular responses are of hope that they are in a 'better place', 'sleeping with the angels', 'walking with Jesus' and so forth.

People refuse to believe I am an atheist and are almost incredulous that I could hold the belief that there is no afterlife.  It's slightly offensive to some.

But, just because I don't believe in heaven doesn't mean I don't believe in love and compassion and care.  I spent too many days hating myself and others and digging my grave early.  Too many days wishing this life away.  It's true, life is for living.

I may not believe in life after death but I passionately believe in life during life.

I Am Free

I was talking to some friends the other day who struggle with depression and each day is a battle and calls for strength from others around them to help them and guide them.  What struck me was when we started talking about medication;  medication is a two edged sword, it is helpful, but can become an obsession.  The medication I was on was so useful and so beneficial to my recovery, but I knew it was also something I wasn't sure I could do without.

I am now medication free and it is wonderful to be drug free and stable. It took me a little while to adjust and know I was 'normal' after being so long on medication, but now I know I am in a good place and happy!   What struck me was talking to my friends and the medication they are on - I was on so much more.  My transition from medication to prescription free is a miracle.  I have moved from really heavy medication to being completely free and I know that is wonderful.

I will not take for granted the joy of being free from the darkness and depression and desolation. I will not be complacent about how  I am feeling so good and risk it.  My mind is fragile and my life balances on a knife edge, so it is important that I embrace the road before me.

I went from utter despair to a palace of peace and light - I will live in this palace with joy and light and life.

Peace.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember?  Do you remember how it felt?  Do you remember?

It was like a blanket of inky darkness wrapped around my brain and seeped into every corner, travelling through the palaces of my mind, making the walls crumble and ceilings collapse.  It was infection from the inside out.

Do you remember?

It was pain that had no face or form; no substance and took no respite.  It was relentless in its advance and rushed in like a terrifying force of nature.  It smashed through the walls of my mind and twisted its knife deep inside my soul.

Do you remember?

The road to freedom was long, treacherous and lonely.  I gazed into the bleak horizon and only saw hostility and hopelessness.  I only saw darkness and despair.  I only saw sadness and suicide.

Do you remember?

Then it changed.  In the horizon I saw the sun stretch its rays of hope through the sky and punch away the darkness.  The hostile road, illuminated by the hope, revealed something new and exciting and peaceful. The road of despair was no longer so and I could see that which I feared was unfounded in the new light.  In the dark the mind plays tricks and can deceive you; in the light you see things how they really are.

The blanket of depression wrapped around my brain has begun to dissolve.  I am not consumed by guilt and fear and loathing.  I am compelled by light and love and hope.

I want you to remember.

Peace.

World's Greatest

I haven't written for far too long. I've been caught up in trying to forge new paths, new journeys, new dreams. I've been looking at fulfilling a dream that has whispered in my ear for many years and it has always seemed a whisper; it has always appeared to be something I will never be able to do. There are many aspects why, but I guess most of the reasons have been a lack of belief and from that my motivation has been half-hearted. To open a restaurant appears to be a massive task and possibly beyond my reach, but then things changed and perspectives shifted.

When I met Carmen something significant struck me; she reminded me of the ambitions I used to fearlessly hold. She reminded me that if you want it, then you can get it; she reminded me that fears are usually unfounded. I used to have utter belief I would open a restaurant and by the age of 30 be extremely successful. I'm 31 and still have no restaurant. I meet Carmen and within 12 months of meeting her we have a new business plan, business name, menu, registered brand and have viewed over half a dozen properties as potential restaurants. In a matter of months we even found a place we thought was perfect, signed the papers and lost out at the last gasp to a higher bidder. In 6 months we have moved further than I have in 6 years.

Some of the world's greatest have pushed for their dream regardless of perceived obstacles and smashed through with utterly astounding results. Although we have no restaurant yet and we are still running at full speed toward those obstacles, those obstacles do not seem so daunting.

Carmen's love and encouragement is what I consider to be the world's greatest. We can do it; we can achieve it; we can live it. I love her for making me a better man and helping me realise my potential. She is my catalyst and I hope I am hers because I desire a world of greatness for her.

Peace.