The Hope of Healing

I'm not sure depression is an illness that strictly can be 'cured'. I'm not sure you can be healed and free from the illness. I'm not sure it's that simple. I guess depression is more like a virus (similar to the common cold) in which it can be held at bay but sometimes, even when things have been going so well, it can creep up and knock you back.

I have many, many days feeling normal, whole, happy and healed and long may they continue and that is the hope of healing. That is the hope of wholeness. That is the hope of light pushing back darkness. I think it's possible to go weeks, months and even years feeling rejuvenated and revitalised and therefore believe the cold, steely grip of depression has been escaped. There's always that crappy moment, that difficult conversation, that shit day at work that can be a trigger. Hell, a beautiful song, a touching film or a kind word can be a trigger. It is not the negatives that always invite the Intruder into your mind.

Robin Williams' death highlighted how depression is not an illness to be ignored or taken glibly because it is an active beast sometimes hibernating, sometimes plotting but never truly gone.

There is always hope though because we dare to; there is always hope because we want to. I have spent many days wallowing in my dark thoughts and instability. There is an arrogance that can spring forth from depression and it can too easily be embraced. The hope though is understanding the positive and transformative nature of pushing depression into the shadows and stepping into the scary sunshine.

When I desire an element of healing and wholeness; when I yearn for stability and serenity it impacts those I love too. They see a difference in my eyes – the sparkle not the sadness. They see a genuineness in my smile; they see a pride in my appearance. It brings hope to me and those around me.

I don't want to be cured of depression because I truly believe it is a part of me like the colour of my skin. I also believe depression is, in many ways, my muse. The Intruder helps me write and motivates creativity. It is a dangerous and difficult path and anyone who is creative knows the darkness is close to hand.

A little darkness though magnifies the light.

Peace. x

The Journey of Depression: Man in the Mirror

What do you see?  Who is that man in the mirror?  I don't know you.

I used to hate looking in the mirror because I never really knew who I was staring at.  I found I was gazing at a face that was me but wasn't quite me; it was like a dream where you're you but not at the same time.  Unfortunately, this was reality and it was weird.

I guess it was down to intensely disliking the person I was looking at and wishing he was someone else.  Taller. Handsomer. Richer. Successful. Stable. At peace.  I looked at myself and wished these things and many more but ultimately found the man in the mirror to be a poor reflection of who I wished to be.  But then who did I wish to be?

Not this man I was looking at.

Depression is a warped illness because it distorts reality and causes you to doubt every sense you own.  You doubt your abilities in every spectrum of life and therefore the man in the mirror you fail to trust because even that reflection surely can't be a true depiction of Tom.

When did I get such big bags under my eyes?  When did I become so pale?  When did I lose so much weight.  When did I lose all life in my eyes?  The questions go on and on.

The way to win yourself over is to understand how, whatever you see, there are still people out there who look and see you for who you really are.  They see you for the man in pain but still the man they love and care for and want to help and nurture.  Depression is an illness in which it makes you believe you need to be isolated but it is an illness where people make everything so much better.

My reflection may depress me but then I get a word of kindness and it reminds me that what I see is probably not what other people see.  We all find fault in who we are and depression can magnify that perception of fault to a point of wanting to inflict harm, but it's a kind word or gesture that beats back the demon.

What do you see?  Who is that man in the mirror?  I know you and I am beginning to like you.  

The Journey of Depression: Let's (not) Talk about it

Oh crap, he's started talking about depression; time to look for an escape route.  Doesn't he know how awkward it is listening to his stories about it?  Why doesn't he just go to a therapist or try to get over it?  I don't want to be rude but - oh good he's changed the subject.

I don't think it's simply because we're British, but talking, in person, about mental illness tends to be a hugely uncomfortable scenario for many people.  It's as if it's a topic laced in guilt and darkness; openly chatting about mental health issues almost seems taboo at times.  Cancer?  Hundreds of adverts and thousands of women wearing bra emblazoned t-shirts.  Abortion?  Vocal, public discussions about women's right to choose and babies' right to live.  STIs?  Graphic adverts about the dangers and free STI checks in university toilets.

Depression?  Hollywood actor is killed by it and we all realise how little we know about the illness.

I know it's not exactly enlightening or entertaining to chat over a drink about how I felt when I self harmed or the crushing darkness that can envelop me at times, but that should not mean depression cannot be a topic in the public conscience.  It's tricky to explain depression because it is so entwined within the mind and everyone experiences different symptoms.  There is a universal truth too and if depression was visible and somehow physically manifested itself on the outside of your body it would probably look like a purply, black growth dominating a person's entire head.  It would be large and it would pulsate; it would push down on the person's scalp creating a gruesome frown and snarling mouth.  It would be hard to look at and quite upsetting.

This growth though, would be talked about and cures would be found and discussions would be had.  Its physical presence would create productivity.

The inner emotional growth is much harder (but not impossible) to see and therefore becomes a topic almost off limits at a dinner party.  It's not to say people don't care but more people just don't know so feel a bit awkward.

Depression is common; depression is dangerous; depression can be beaten.  If you have the chance, talk with me about it because there's a lot of light I can share too.

Peace.  x

The Journey of Depression: Death is not the End

Death is not the End (Part 2)

Being a (former) self harmer and suicide attempter, I can understand why Robin Williams and countless others kill themselves in a state of despair and hopelessness.  When suffering from mental illness the thought of suicide is not a strange and scary thought; it actually provides a lot of comfort.  

Take a moment to think about that - suicide provides comfort. 

The vitriolic and ignorant views that suicide is cowardly, selfish and lazy fail to see the bigger, broader sea that people with depression sail upon.  When rocking in the ever changing sized boat of our minds we are faced with a sea that goes from calm to choppy to rough to monstrous.  Beneath the waves are currents travelling in many directions dragging us one way or another,  It is a loud, chaotic, suffocating and unnerving journey at times.  I wake up some nights soaked from cold sweats owing to dangerous and terrifying dreams.  Sleep does not necessarily provide peace of mind but another part of the day to be confronted by my mind.  When the sea is rough the boat is small, unsafe and scary.  Honestly, there has been times where the whirlwind of my mind has been deafening and death has seemed a very comforting option because of the silence it would bring.

But.

Death is not the final option.  Death is not and doesn't have to be the end.  The mind can be quietened and the sea can be calmed.  It's not easy and it regularly goes wrong but when it goes wrong it doesn't have to mean death is the route to follow.

I have been in the place of wanting death but now I am in the place of wanting life and I will fight to always want life because there is joy, peace and quiet on the sea of life too.  The boat can also drift silently across the glassy pond with the sun on our faces.

We hope for peace.

x

The Journey of Depression: The Happiness Myth

Robin Williams' death hit me quite hard today; not because I worshipped this celebrity or anything but because the fundamental truth of depression is it can still hit hard, no matter how 'seasoned' you are.  Depression makes you vulnerable and very susceptible to the dark and tangled chords of self-harm and suicide.

It was very telling too how some reactions highlighted the deep myth surrounding depression that it is somehow connected to happiness.  'What did he have to be depressed about?  He was rich, famous, had a family, funny, popular, et cetera, et cetera....' Somehow, depression has become a word synonymous with feeling low or sad and not with mental illness.

Depression is an illness that can be managed; happiness is not a right.

Why do we think the goal of life is to be happy?  How many of us actually believe happiness is the goal of life?  Think about your day for a second;  You wake up, you have a wash, go to the toilet, brush your teeth and get dressed.  You have breakfast/coffee/a cigarette, go to work/get the children ready/go to your study and then begin the next part of your daily routine.  How much of the first few hours of your day would you say makes you happy?  Probably not a lot.  It will probably be routine and therefore not happy or sad, but simply part of life.  That's not to imply it is bad, but it is simply to point out that life happens and that's a good thing.  When I get up and make tea and read the news I feel content; it's a routine that allows me to start the day.  After all, we all know what it is like if we don't get our morning cuppa - the whole day is out of sync.

Suffering with depression means I am not looking for happiness but balance.  I have many happy moments but I think it is dangerous to make people think happiness is our goal.  If I always aimed for happiness then I would feel very guilty about my life.  I have days where even feeling beyond numbness would be a blessed and enlightening experience.

Depression sucks all emotion from your body at times like someone has injected a syringe and slowly extracted key emotions and only left numbness and teariness.  When the numbness subsides and emotions slowly wash in on the tide of sensitivity it is wonderfully liberating.  True laughter after finding it hard to laugh is healing and invigorating; crying with joy is addictive; inner peace is beautiful.  It's great to be happy but for someone with depression I know balance, contentment and an ability to simply feel is the quenching sustenance of what we desire, crave and wish for.

Peace.