My Dad

We're not invincible, indestructible or immovable.  Sometimes we can believe there is no fear of falling ill, getting hurt or even dying.  We know it's not true but still imagine we are like Superman and bullets will bounce off us.  For me, some of the thinking that life will keep going and going is through how I perceive my dad.  Dad is 6' 3" with hands like shovels and has worked on the water as an oysterman through high winds, freezing winters, baking summers, recessions, eras of boom and when everything has seemed hopeless.  He has always been this indestructible figure in my life; until now.

I have this vivid memory of Joe, my twin, and I challenging Dad to an arm wrestle.  We were only 10 or 11 at the time and we both wrapped our hands round one of dad's hands (hands like shovels) and said, "Three, two, one, go!" and we couldn't even move his arm.  We were slightly in awe of this strong man who was our dad.  I won't rose-tint my childhood by stating I had this close bond with my dad because I remember him working more than anything else, but I have always loved him deeply and always seen him as this slightly towering figure.

It's not simply his physical presence though because it's his intellectualism too that I have always respected.  I love to learn and I love to read and dad is the same.  Dad is a man who remembers facts and things he has read, even from years ago.  He is a very intelligent man and I have always looked up to that and I like to think my 'success' at academia has been connected to having a clever dad.

I deeply respect this man.

So it has been achingly difficult to see any sort of vulnerability in him because, well, he's dad.  Recently Joe and I went with dad to see the new Bond film as we're all Bond fans.  We had a fun night.  When we were walking back to the car park Dad tripped and fell.  Being a tall man, he fell hard.  Luckily he wasn't hurt but to see him fall like that really shook me and Joe up.  I got home and wept in Carmen's arms.  It was horrible to see dad in a vulnerable state.

So it has been hard as a family (and obviously for dad) having had to see him in hospital recently.  He was in for a few days and is having to have tests to find the root of his illness (which I won't go into here).

Suffice to say, it has struck home that dad isn't immortal and invincible and we have to accept the fact. Even writing that sentence is acutely difficult.  I need to appreciate him more and I also need to appreciate many others around me because life can be far too fleeting and regret is not something I want to have sitting on my shoulder.

Love and appreciate those around you.  Make that phone call; reply to that text; say I love you more often.

Don't let the Wolf in

Don't let the wolf in the gate.  It is hard to let the light through because we can be certain the shit stuff about ourselves is more pertinent to who we are and what we do.  It is hard to let the positives take a true hold on us instead of apathy because we would rather take a back seat and let boredom, banality, basic laziness and a belief our lives are not particularly interesting.  We may make others believe life is amazing through Facebook and Twitter with quirky updates of what we do but, let's face it, most of us sit on a sofa wishing we were doing more than sitting on a sofa.

The wolf likes to creep in though and devour the desires and dreams of our hearts and minds.  How often do you sit and think about things you wish you were doing or had done? How many hours a week do you daydream of things but believe they will never happen because such dreams are unrealistic?  The problem is we can be the wolf to others and tear apart people's dreams.  There's an insightful scene in The Office where Ricky Gervais's Brent is doing an appraisal of Dawn; she dreams of being an illustrator and Brent says that she should keep doing the "doodles" but when it all fails at least she'll have a job as a receptionist.  It's a great scene because this is so often the case; we can dampen people's dreams with our own cynicism and fears.  We can be too scared to step out and do something we have always dreamed of doing because we're afraid of failure and rejection.

But

What we end up doing is painting a false picture of our reality by making others believe our lives are full of interesting, innovative incidents.  Life isn't an episode of Friends where stuff happens all the time, but life also isn't meant to be full of nothingness.  When all you have to talk about is what to watch on television or what someone wrote on Facebook you know you are not living life to the full.  Life is for living and we should remember that we only have one shot.

Ad astra per aspera (through hardships to the stars).  Life is difficult and the thought of doing something new can feel far too strenuous but as the quote states, we can go through difficulties and reach the stars.

Remember Who You Are

Some people would love to be able wipe away their memories and forget the depressing and destructive incidents in their lives.  I sympathise with such a 'dream' because some people have been through the absolute horrific and are reminded of those horrors each time they look in the mirror, hear a certain sound or see a certain thing; it can be a relentless reminder of past pain.  

I had a dream the other day about self harming and how I was doing it again.  I woke up feeling ashamed and depressed; the knot in my stomach was twisting and turning.  I didn't want to forget what has happened in the past, even though I was ashamed of it all.  To forget past pain and moments of utter despair where I hurt myself would actually cause me to forfeit an element of my personality.  Our memories very much define who we are and shape us into the people we are today.  

That time I cried and sobbed so much I thought it wouldn't stop is part of what makes me Tom.  It is a reminder that I am deeply emotional and the tears were healing and redemptive and even though I was mentally battered and bruised I found peace through the tears; I always want to remember that.

That time I cut myself repeatedly out of utter disgust for who I am is a piece that slots into the picture of my life.  The scars remind me that I am no longer filled with self-loathing and redemption does indeed come.  Scars of hate are now scars to remind me of healing; I always want to remember that.

The time I couldn't get out of bed and needed the room to be dark because the thought of seeing the outside world was terrifying.  It is a reminder that I do leave the house now and I engage with the world.  I run a restaurant and have a wonderful social life.  I am not locked away in darkness but loved by Carmen and walk proudly down the road with her.  I always want to remember that.

You are not a victim of your past but a product of it.  Therefore ensure you do not try to run away from it but allow its lessons to shape you in the present.  

Peace. x 

Important Things in Life

We need to understand that there are some things in life to take seriously and other things we need to let go of.  Being a Western, male, middle class man I am in a very fortunate position; I have money to spend, I can vote and speak out against politicians and corrupt bankers; I can love who I wish and I have little fear of being attacked by domestic or non-domestic people or forces.  In short, I am blessed to have the life I have and be surrounded by my partner, friends and family who love me.

If I was a 31 year old man in Syria right now I would more than likely be dead or maimed and have blood on my hands that would pollute and infest my conscience.  If I was a 31 year old man in North Korea I would be bowing before a statue of their deluded dictator.  If I was a 31 year old man in the Democratic Republic of Congo I would probably have been a soldier from the age of 12 and have killed and raped dozens of people. If I was 31 year old man in Palestine I probably would have seen my family blown to pieces by an Israeli air strike.  If I was a 31 year old man in Afghanistan I would probably be cradling the dead body of my child in my arms owing to an American drone strike.

I am a 31 year old man in England where life is blessed and I must always remember to be  grateful for that freedom and safety of the community I live in.  And this is the thing, we spend too often obsessing over trivialities as if they are hugely significant when, in fact, they are not.  We can latch on to an issue or a minor problem and balloon it to epic proportions because we seem to believe it is almost a matter of life and death.

Carmen and I have neighbours who are like dogs with a bone and have made our lives quite difficult of late because of their incessant obsession;  we have received two official complaints from them regarding our dog and also been verbally accosted by them when getting home from work, which is rather intimidating.  When you mention the word ‘dog’ you think of a large, violent animal but the dog they have so much concern over is a 12 years old Cocker Spaniel.  Fearsome indeed. 

We have never had anyone be but smitten with our dog, Thistle but it seems these two older women do not find her quite so endearing.  It has become rather farcical though because we have been made to feel like we are social morons who have an out of control dog.  Thistle is about as threatening as a small breeze and would lick you to death before she ever bit you. 

Our neighbours’ rather farfetched viewpoints though signify how fortunate they are in life if an old Spaniel is all they have to worry about.   They, like many of us, forget how fortunate in life we are; how utterly blessed we are to be in the position we are in.  I don’t really need to lock my house because crime rates are so low – I do anyway but I don’t need to.  I don’t wake up each day wondering if a drone will obliterate my village; I don’t wake up each day in a shop doorway shivering, smelling and completely dejected; I don’t sell my body and give blow jobs in toilets to pay for a crack addiction. 

It doesn’t mean to say life is a breeze that I sail through – I know what it is to want to die; I know what it is to hate the man I see in the mirror and cut myself hoping the pain will release the sense of loathing I feel; I know what it is to go through heart break and anguish; I know what it is to be scared on how I am going to pay the bills coming through the door; I know what it is to feel constantly depressed and cloaked in darkness where your only comfort is the mental pain thumping at your brain. 

The darkness and despair didn’t magically disappear, it took the love and strength of those close to me, therapy and my own self will to drag my bleeding body out of the pit of hopelessness and into the light of hope.   I had to work for the happiness I now have and work for a balance – with love and empathy from others I was able to achieve it, but it also helped me to appreciate the important things and dismiss the trivial things.  The cliché is true – life is too short. 

Don’t be caught up in things that suck all your energy but have no real meaning or purpose.  Don’t obsess over stuff that really doesn’t matter.  Don’t be consumed by those banal things that we turn into a monster in our own image.  Don’t let your insecurities cause you to fall into the trap of projecting those insecurities on to others and making their life difficult. 

Life can be tough but remember the wonderful things that do fill it and hold on to those.