She's Worth It

I love the climb to happiness I have come to. I love how I am stable, happy, at ease in my own skin (mostly). I have wanted to be 'happy' for a long time. Not a fleeting sense of happiness, but a deep seated happiness which reveals being content and knowing it will be long term.

But.

I don't believe in my happiness being at the price of others. I don't believe my happiness should come at the expense of others. I don't believe in making others sad, angry and upset so I can feel good.

Being in a new relationship is lovely. It's making me smile a lot. We are at ease with each other. We feel completely relaxed with each other. We love the company we share. We have had to struggle (already) with how other people have handled our new relationship. We have felt a need to justify our relationship to a certain degree. The last thing I want is for our relationship to cause others to have an issue or to feel uncomfortable. I always feel a sense of guilt if I am unintentionally causing another to feel upset in any way because of my actions - even when they are actions of integrity and good will.

I don't believe in the idea that we're 'entitled' to be happy no matter what the cost. We are not an island and should seek to live in harmony with those around us.

But.

I have met someone special who I am looking forward to sharing the journey with and discovering more and more about her and who she is. It is new and exciting and interesting. She is beautiful. She is caring. She is full of integrity and has a wonderfully good heart. There may be others who find our relationship problematic, but it is to do with their insecurities and difficulties - not ours. It is here I see I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy, because I have sought this happiness with good intentions and and an excited heart.

And she's worth it.

How Far Should We Go?

How far do we go with others in regards to guiding them? My life has been a roller coaster for a while and I know I gave others permission and validation to act as means of guidance and support when I was unable to see the light through the inky blackness.

I am now stable, happy and filled with an essence of clarity. I know where I am going. I know what I want. I know what is good for me and what is toxic. I will avoid toxic people and environments. I do not need them or it.

Of course, some people in my life will find it hard to believe I am stable and happy and see my decisions and actions as marred. They will see what I do as clouded and under the influence of unclear thinking and a need to destruct. The sparkle in my eyes and the shift in my moods and behaviour proves otherwise though, so I am confident in who Tom is.

What do I do though when I see people's lives which I see heading down the wrong path? My initial response is to let them walk down that path, for it is theirs to walk, not mine. I feel it is important for us, as human beings, to be able to fall down and as we pick ourselves up again, gain insight into why we tumbled. I am not a dictator and I am not controlling. Therefore I wouldn't feel I have integrity in trying to pull people away from something I see as bad. BUT, is there a moment when we should step in? Is there a moment, when someone may not have the clarity to make a sound decision and needs another to do it for them?

I will never judge because how dare I? I will be concerned though...

Then and Now

I'm coming to the end of my time in therapy. It's liberating and comforting. Two sure signs I'm making the right decision to come away from it. A few months ago I would have been terrified of stopping therapy; it was a lifeline, a source of breath, comfort, guidance and stability. I feel at ease now to stop it. I know I am stronger. I know I am far more at peace. I know I like myself now.

That's the difference. In my time in therapy I have seen myself evolve and tear through the cocoon suffocating me and squeezing the life from my chest. At times I have managed to punch through the wall and start to suck in the life giving qualities of self-love, peace and stability. Then there have been those times where the cocoon's wall regenerated, pushing me back inside and covering my world in darkness again. Self-love to self-loathing; peace to unrest; stability to anarchy.

Now it's different. Now is the time.

I am happy. I am not manic; I am happy. I do not grapple with thoughts of self-harm; I am not seeking ways to self-destruct. I used to use others as an excuse to tumble down the hill of destruction. Use them as a scapegoat for my own desire to spiral into a world of madness. Not anymore.

The past week I have spent time with someone who is becoming very special to me; time with her confirmed my desire to seek peace and wholeness. Time with her and my friends recently has been affirming my desire to be a better man, a happy man, a man who uses his life to the potential it can get to.

I will never dismiss my illness. I will allow myself to live though and not let my illness live through me.

Shove your Conditional Love

I'm quite angry. All of us are in this journey of life, climbing the mountain. We struggle and negotiate the difficult path of life. We sometimes lose our footing and tumble. Sometimes we brush ourselves off and start climbing again; hoping to find safer ground and a possibly easier path. Sometimes the fall hurts too much and we have to be carried and cared for as we can't climb on our own.

There are moments where we get to stand on safe, solid, secure ground and enjoy the sun beating on our faces. The sun might be a loving partner, a good job, a fulfilled dream or simple contentedness. But the beauty of feeling that energy from something or someone in your life is fantastic.

The majority of people in my life are wonderful. They are not vicious or malicious. They are caring, good humoured, good natured, good fun, good friends. I would feel blessed to have them in my life until the day I die and share the mountain climb with them.

So, I am angry when one of these wonderful friends is left in tears and made to feel less human. She's been made to feel worthless and less of a person because her lifestyle doesn't fit with other people's dogmatic and bullish way. She's branded as a "sinner" and has given her life "over to Satan." These Right-Wing Evangelical "Christians" have made my friend feel less loved because they have decided she is a disappointment. She isn't subscribing to their narrow-minded, bigoted and blinkered view of religion, so she needs to be discarded. Let me guess they'd quote St Paul about handing people over to Satan so they can then find their way back. What a load of shite.

These Evangelicals almost worship the Bible more than the God they believe in so maybe they need to read 1 Corinthians 13 about love being something completely unconditional. If my friend suddenly decided she wanted to subscribe to their version of religion again, they would welcome her with open arms and love and joy. Well, that's not real love then. Real love mean you love someone because, well, why wouldn't you?

My friend is wonderful and I love her to pieces. She is fantastic. End of. There needs to be no reasons why.