All You Need is Love

So, next question to answer:
Have you ever been in love?

Yes.

I have discovered different types of love, in regards to my relationships. I am currently going through a divorce. It's painful, but not spiteful. Abi and I separated mutually and now wish the best for each other in our future lives of love. When I married Abi I was overwhelmed with joy and love and wanted to make sure I could give her a wonderful life. I wanted to look after her and keep her safe. I cried with joy during our vows.

We realised we were never meant to be husband and wife forever. I don't regret marrying Abi as my love for her was real. Our marriage helped us both to understand a bit more about who we were and who we can be. We were (and still are) great friends. It would be too simplistic to say we have a deep love for each other as friends. It's very unique what we have shared. Not many couples can marry and divorce with so little animosity and so much love and respect at the end of it.

I love Abi. I'm not in love with Abi.

Are you currently in love?

Yes. Very much so. But I am single still. It's a scary feeling because it bombards you and strips away all barriers and masks. Being deeply in love makes you extremely vulnerable. It's beautiful. It's also very painful.

Being in love means there are no agendas. It's unconditional. She's perfect just the way she is. You don't love her 'if' she does this and 'because' she does that. You simply love her. You love her even if she doesn't love you in return. Love isn't conditional, which makes it so pure, so simple and such an enigma.

Future love?

I would adore to know the answer to this. What I do know is I have learnt how I feel very much defined by being able to love someone and also receiving their love. The world is full of useless clutter, which weighs us down and makes us feel worthless and tired. The simple beauty of being able to hold someone, kiss her, make love to her, talk with her, say nothing at all even - these bring happiness and contentedness. Buildings will crumble, money will be realised as worthless and technology will be rejected. Love will never die.

What's in a Name?

In my previous post I listed a set of questions I will answer. The first is fairly simple:
What's your name?

My name's Tom. A few people call me Tommy and fewer call me Thomas. Those who call me Tommy or Thomas are doing so in an affectionate way.

My name means 'twin', which mum didn't realise when she named me. Juliet asks, "What's in a name?" when she discovers Romeo is a Montague. I think names do hold a certain amount of significance. When a lover calls me Thomas or a best friend calls me Tommy, it comes from their deep knowledge and understanding of who I am. There's an intimacy there. But it's not necessarily my name, it's how they say my name.

But my name doesn't make me who I am. After all, I'm adopted and was originally named Philip. Understanding who I am comes from within not without.

I am Thomas (the twin), but that is my title. As the questions go deeper, so does the significance of my name as it interconnects with the many facets of my personality. For example, a salesperson calls me Thomas and it is formal and impersonal. A lover calls me Thomas and it feels intensely intimate.

What's in a name? It depends upon who's saying it. I guess I'm discovering what it is when I say Tom, Tommy or Thomas.

Therapy: Searching for Identity

I've been going to therapy for about 18 months. It's been a useful space for me to spill my heart out about my fears, pains, insecurities and so forth. My therapist is a wonderful woman who 'gets me.' I don't know many people who do. I think that's a good thing though.

I struggle with my identity and have done for a long time. I don't really know who I am. I feel very much in limbo when it comes to my life. I have a lot of love to give and feel much more complete when loving someone and they, in turn, love me back. I'm creative and love to speak in public. Ironically, when I was part of the Church, I was doing all this. Ultimately though, I have a very poor opinion of my self and need to drag that opinion to a much more healthy place.

I have a saviour complex, where I want to save others but seem to care little about saving Tom. I guess I don't always see my life as worth saving. I was looking at a picture on a cigarette packet of a cancer ridden lung. It's meant to scare you to see the effects smoking can have on your health. I distinctly remember thinking scare tactics only work on people who actually care about self preservation. Not a healthy view at all.

I feel disconnected from myself and the world is rather fuzzy. My therapist said I should write down a set of questions to answer. Questions you would ask someone you've met for the first time. I will post a set of questions here and then answer them in my next post:

What's your name?
What do you do?
Who are the closest people in your life?
Have you ever been in love?
What would you like to be doing in 2 years time?

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard

Acceptance

I went three months without taking anti-depressants. At Christmas I decided I didn't want to be on them anymore. I was feeling defined by my illness and so (wrongly) thought it would be best to come off my medication.

I still get moments of shame about having depression. Like I need to 'snap' out of it and get a grip. I worry about new people I meet finding out I am on happy pills. I still occasionally think I am overreacting and part of that was why I stopped my medication.

Three months of feeling on the edge of a panic attack each day and having an unbearable knot in my stomach was enough though...

For me, anti-depressants have enabled me to gain clarity in my thinking and also equipped me to fight against my Intruder (see here ) and not allow It to dominate how I live my life.

Ultimately I have dreams I want to make real and, at times, my illness cripples me so the most basic tasks feel momentous. Medication eases the anxiety and gives me motivation to follow my imagination.

You are Beautiful

It's when the thoughts explode in your brain and you wonder if you are going insane. It doesn't matter who you are or what you may be experiencing, we all have thoughts and ideas which make us stop and think we might need a little therapy. We're all slightly odd and existentially fractured, but that's the beauty of it all. Normality is bland.

You might be losing your job and the cascading consequences are tearing through your mind each minute of the day; it could be someone has emotionally hurt you and the thoughts you're having are scaring (and scarring) you; maybe you simply don't know who the hell you are or what your purpose is. Is there something wrong with me?

You might be madly in love - intoxicated with the emotions. You wake and think of that person. Their image is imprinted on your dreams. The sun does actually seem to rise and set with that person.

Whatever you are experiencing, the mind has a powerful effect on it all. We sometimes wish we could remove our brains and replace them, as if we are faulty. You're not faulty, but don't worry, you're not normal either. You're unique.

In those moments of passion, sadness, joy, laughter, anger, bitterness, confusion, serenity and so forth, you're going through the wonder of being human. Some things cross your mind and you'd be horrified if anyone ever found out. You'd fear their judgement and possible repulsion. Remember, they've thought crazy things too.

You'll never be banal or boring; you may do boring and banal things though. Embrace how utterly original you are and strive to make each day worth a damn. You'll fail, because we all do. But use each failed day as a motivator to imprint your uniqueness on the world. God, imagine (to loosely quote) what you could do if the fear of failure never existed?