The Light's Winning

"Well, once there was only dark. If you ask me, the light's winning."  True Detective


I look at Israel/Gaza, Syria, Iraq, shit, the whole Middle East and think either they'll wipe each other out in a giant cluster fuck or we (America and the UK) will supply them them with enough arms to wipe us all out.  I get absolutely convinced there is no hope for the human race because we are all selfish, self absorbed, narcissistic, arrogant, greedy and corrupt.  Honestly, I love to believe in the beauty of humanity but some days simply despair at the plain stupidity we wallow in.  Why does Big Brother, TOWIE, Jeremy Kyle and the Sun get such huge followings if we're not all inanely dumb?  
But.
I also remember that we are a species who have created symphonies, sculptures, cathedrals and civilisations of utter wonder.  I remember that I am planning to get married next year and am literally, as I write this, close to tears at the joy of confirming we have a wedding venue to declare our love and share it with others.  I remember how so many songs move me to tears for their lyrical allure; I remember how I am still amazed at complexity of emotions where laughter brings joy to many, as can tears.  I remember how a simple gesture of touching someone's arm, looking into someone's eyes or giving a hug can be momentous and moving at the right moment at the right time.  As humans we are a strange contradiction and the fact I can question this makes us utterly unique.
I dare to believe the light is winning and the conflicts, death and despair so many are facing is not the final word.  I don't believe God will intervene or humanity will find peace, because greed and arrogance will always be with us, but I do believe even an ounce of compassion and common sense can go a very long way.  
Remember, a single flame of a candle daring to push back the darkness is an incredibly powerful sight and brings hope not despair because we focus on the light not the darkness.

Focus on the light in your life and the lives of those around you.  Don't become a slave to selfishness.  You are more than that.

Peace.  x

Rolf Harris

I loved Rolf's Cartoon Club; it was epic.  Actually got excited when  it came on telly.  Rolf was a legend and there was no argument.  Even during his trial he was a legend in my eyes and I found the whole thing a farce because, after all, it was Rolf - he's not a beast like Saville was.  Then the guilty verdict came and my first reaction was, "They've made a mistake."  This guy became such an icon of kindness, fun and creativity it seemed impossible that he could be associated with paedophilia.

Now clearly entering into any sexual behaviour with children is wrong and thankfully it's one taboo in Britain that will always be abhorred no matter how other countries treat their children.  But what happens when someone, like Rolf Harris, encounters a situation where he cannot distinguish between right and wrong because of the celebrity blur?  I still don't believe Harris is a sexual predator  - misguided yes - predator, no.  Unfortunately also is how people instantly use the spotlight to make money and infamy for themselves.  Look at Vanessa Feltz.  Harris may have 'groped' her but let's not forget Feltz had no qualms about sacrificing dignity and decency for the limelight.  An abused and scared victim she is not.  A money grabbing charlatan she is.

In this culture of fear I don't know what to believe anymore and Harris is either a tragic result of an abusive culture from the 70s, a scapegoat, a fool or all three.  I want him to be the legend I remember because it is sad everyone is seen as a potential deviant nowadays but maybe the trash media has finally won and we have to be afraid of everything and everyone.

I hope not.

Peace.  x

Dancing Dust

Do you ever get that tip of your tongue experience where you are trying to recall something and it is tantalisingly close but slightly out of reach?  Do you ever experience the same sensation in other parts of your life?  Do you ever find in those very rare moments of quiet a brief thought, like a whisper in your ear, or a tickling on the back of your neck or a fleeting emotion of "What if?"

We can wander through our existence doing life and all it has to offer and occasionally think we could be doing things a little (or a lot) different.  We are dominated by Hollywood-esque ideology which portrays life as an exciting and soul changing experience or by an Eastenders-esque ideology that paints life as a dreary drama where unless we're arguing or going through trauma then we're not living.  I believe though we get thoughts of 'something more' like dust dancing in the sun light - there for a moment and then gone again.

We all get on with the daily routine and there's nothing wrong with that but I know I occasionally get caught out by feelings of doing more to enhance myself or those around me.  It doesn't need to be world changing, life changing or community changing, but I know that little differences make big differences.  Recently I have been working a lot and not taking the time to appreciate myself, my friends or my beautiful fiancé - it started to take its toll.  Being overworked and overtired meant my mind was overrun with negative, tired emotions and ultimately my depression was able to take a dark, dense grip on me.  I needed the whisper to become a shout to ensure I didn't sink.

Making little changes have made big differences.  Taking time off to recharge.  Carving out time to spend with Carmen.  Concentrating on my appearance again, i.e. new clothes and haircut.  Drinking less alcohol.  Enjoying those things that cultivate my mind, e.g. reading and writing.  All these little things make a big difference in how I process depression and counteract the triggers that lead to bad things.

It also helps me in my imagination and desire to reach the goals I know I can reach.  I believe I have a creative edge to offer and when looking after myself it can evolve into something a little bit unique.

Look after yourself and don't ignore the dancing dust in your mind as it might inspire you to reach for something you've always wanted but been too distracted to go for.

Peace.  x

The Paradox

I am pleasure, I am pain.  I am ecstasy, I am utter despair.  I am balanced, I am anarchy.  I am the journey of faith, I am the void.  I am...

We are a paradox of people who are not constrained by the Daily Mail-esque categories of 'us' and 'them'.  We are paradox of people who will hold a loved one close promising protection, care, safety and gentleness and the next day shouting rage at a driver who cuts us up.  We are a paradox of people who desire peace yet cheer at the screen when a villain dies a horrible death.  We a paradox of people who worship our football heroes one day and scream abuse at them when they fail to live to our expectations.  We are a paradox of people who post pictures of the beauty of nature on our social networks and then throw rubbish out the car window.

We are a paradox.

We live in a world bursting at the seams with the weight of people on its back.  We live in a world groaning at the burden of the waste and shit and war and depravity.

We also live in a world bursting at the seams with love, generosity and kindness.  We live in a world  laughing with joy at the sound of a baby's giggle or a puppy's woof; a grunt of satisfaction after a good meal eaten; a murmur of approval at a fine wine tasted, a satisfied burp after a naughty treat, a tear of emotion during a song we hold dear.

We are a paradox.

So, when we make a snap judgement about someone, remember that they, like you, are brimming with emotions, confounded by a week, month, year of difficulties and grappling with what it is to be a human who is a paradox.

Peace.  x

Say Something

This song by A Great Big World is beautiful and wonderfully captures the heart wrenching moment when you realise the person you are fighting for will never be a part of your life anymore.  It could be the silence or the lack of rhythm you both share.  It's a difficult and gut churning place to be in when you see the person you desire slip through your fingers like dust.  Ultimately I love this song because it captures (quite sublimely) how we are a people in a forever confusing dance of love that never ends (or begins) the way we romantically perceive.

The path of love never ran smooth.

With music, art and writing though, we can always take different meanings which relate to how we feel and are currently viewing the world and I felt a huge emotional outpouring listening to this song in relation to my (former) relationship with God.

Say something I'm giving up on you...

These lyrics instantly made me think of prayer and the depths of darkness I was entwined by and how I cried out to god to take the pain away - and how I was met with silence.  I urged god to talk to me and sooth me and heal me and comfort me and all I experienced was...

Silence

Emptiness

Darkness

Abyss

I so wished for God to be a vocal and real presence in my life - I felt I gave my everything to Him when I was His devoted follower, yet the silence was far too loud and depressing.  I prayed with vigour, read the Bible everyday and urged others to join in the journey of faith.  Yet I was finally met with a sad disillusionment and utter emptiness.  I realise now that I went through extreme grief when I came to a place of disbelief.  I grieved God and I do grieve him now.  I was passionate about Him and I fought for the person of Jesus.

I have a twin who is a passionate believer in the one they call the Christ and I know many people who believe there is a God and believe he will be there when they die, but I am left with a choice; be scared of a lack of life after death or embrace this atheism.

I embrace it because I truly believe although this may be the only life we have, it will be a good and loving and passionate and fulfilling life.

If there is a God I am sure He won't hold such feelings against me.

Peace.  x

Demons

When you feel my heat,

Look into my eyes,

It's where my demons hide,

It's where my demons hide.

Don't get too close,

It's dark inside,

It's where my demons hide,

It's where my demons hide.

Imagine Dragons.

The demons of depression don't ever go away.  They might be hiding but they never truly disappear.  The frustrating thing about clinical depression is that symptoms can maddeningly appear for 'no reason'.  Depression isn't about having a bad day or week.  Depression isn't about feeling pissed off.  Depression isn't about snapping out of it.  Depression is about battling with those demons of fear, self-loathing and darkness.  Life at the moment is really good; Carmen and I have a lovely life that we have built together; we're getting married next year, we own a house together, we're blessed to have a wonderful group of friends and are close to our family - what on earth is there to be depressed about?

Clinical depression is not about the situation.  Clinical depression is about the murky depths of the mind wanting to snatch light and life.

I'm having bad dreams every night at the moment because my mind is in a battle with my demons.  Irrational fears and past mistakes haunt my dreams making me wake in cold sweats and leaving my wanting to burst with anxiety.  It's horrible to be nervous to close your eyes at night.  It's tiring.  It's unnerving.  I am facing a journey through the valley of shadows at the moment and have to be on my guard from sinking into a state of darkness.  Melodramatic?  Try it for a week.

So, I have to be vocal about my struggles through this wonderful medium and talking openly with Carmen.  She knows there are demons lurking because she can see it in my eyes,  My eyes lose their sparkle in these times and it worries her.  I know it's a cycle.  Depressive symptoms appear to be cyclical, but it's important when the cycle starts that I do everything to counter it, such as writing, talking, eating right and (trying) to sleep well.  

The demons are floating behind my eyes but I know they're there and eventually they'll retreat.

Peace.  x  

Uncle David

In a world filled with power hungry people gorging themselves, celebrity obsessed embarrassing themselves and reality 'stars' selling their souls, there was also David.  In a society that moves at breakneck speed, where patience is a rare virtue and gentleness is strangely seen as weakness, there was also David.

David wasn't a man who chased fame, infamy or reputation; he was a man who lived simply and quietly.  We may scoff at a life of strict routine but life is messy, life can be tough and life can be unsettling, so routine can bring a constant that steadies the ship.  Even when wars tear countries apart and politicians lie and newspapers sensationalise, David still bought his pasty from the butchers or his fishcakes from The Company Shed each week.  His life of routine was a steady constant that indicated life goes on and brought a comfort in those small ways of life.

Even when David became ill he remained constant in his life so that meant his dog would always get walked and life would continue onward.  David handled his illness with a sense of dignity and irony; irony because it wasn't the cigars I remember him smoking when I was a child that made him ill but probably a result of the hard work of being employed by the council and dealing with asbestos.  And dignity because he didn't announce to the world about his illness, craving attention, but carried on with life in his simple, quiet way.  We can all learn from such an approach because I know that I can be far from dignified and desire a sense of validation from others.  David lived an old fashioned, evenly paced life and his illness didn't stop that (until the very end) and for that I am in huge admiration of my uncle.  

I would suggest that David was heroic because how many people do you know who would turn down chemotherapy because they needed to paint their house?  That was a sign of a brave, beautiful man who will be missed and always loved as a brother to Jenny, Heather and Alan, as an uncle to his nine nephews and nieces, as a cousin and as a friend and as a son to Hazel and Lou, who many believe he is with now.  Rest in Peace David.