The Paradox of Time

I'm sure most of us have wondered why five minutes before you finish work appears to drag on and on, whereas five minutes before you have to get out of bed in the morning appears to be but a blink of the eye.  We'd like it to be the other way round.

We are ruled by time and I know I am particularly concerned with it.  I like (very strongly) to have clocks in easy view and can't go to bed without my phone next to me so I can know the time.  I know, it reads like I am bordering on obsessive and maybe I am.  I don't like to feel time is slipping away - I don't want to waste the time I have.  When I was in therapy my fears to do with losing time came through because, for me, I have huge fears of losing my mind.  I have fears of getting dementia and losing the life I had.  Time is connected to that and I worry that I am not appreciating the time I have and the life I am living.

Of course, this is a huge contradiction because the more I worry that I am not appreciating the life I am living, the more I am fulfilling my own fears.

Therapy though helped me to understand how unnecessary these fears are and how important it is to understand that my life will slip away if I continue to worry in such a way.  Time will continue to tick by regardless of how I feel so, in the end, the only thing I am competing against is myself.  I am young and healthy, why be afraid of a distant unknown?

And this comes back to five minutes in bed or five minutes at work; if I continue to worry away my life then time will fly by and I will be standing there, in years to come, realising I had worried my life away in the blink of an eye and not grabbed life in all its fullness and beauty.

Live your life.

Peace.  x

The One I Love

In this world of instants and Hollywood-esque desires, always remember that love is patient and love is kind.  My love for you is enduring because it doesn't need flashy gestures or one time gestures.  The love I have for you lasts because it hurts to thinks of a world without you and it gives me strength to remember that you inhabit my world and I inhabit yours and we are on a journey of redemption together.

Redemption?

Yes, because love is like a saviour.  When you love someone and they love you it is life giving and breathes new energy and life in dusty and tired bones.  I was deeply depressed and felt lonely and in a place of darkness.  Knives and nooses were my friends and death appeared to be seductive.  Through love I found new life and new hope.

Your love was part of that.  Your love gave me courage.  Your love slotted into that wonderful journey of healing.

When I see you I see kindness and caring.  I see a girl of passionate desire to give and keep on giving.  I see a girl who knows what it means to hurt and therefore strives to give love and compassion.  I see someone who will never fail to give up on me and sees the potential I have when I don't see it.

I see and feel that tender touch and that soft kiss.

I feel that warmth of affection that sends shivers down my spine.  A beautiful paradox.

I see you.

I love you.

My Mind is Tom. Tom is my Mind.

The mind is a strange and scary entity.  As an atheist I guess my personality, character and even ‘destiny’ comes mainly from how my brain is wired.  There is no God, universe, karma, luck or fate to guide my life or define my ‘soul.’  My life is not mapped out before me like a toy car on an electric race track.  I do not believe in predestination.  How this life I occupy reveals itself is down to the choices I make through the circumstances I encounter.

My mind has (and does) played tricks on me and decisions I have made have been misjudged because of impaired mental awareness.  In illness I made choices which were wrong and these choices created a different path to the one I hoped would be set out before me.  It has not been destiny or God’s intervention but my actions (or inactions) in specific scenarios and situations.  To cut or not to cut; to say yes or no; to speak up or stay silent; to walk away or not.

The mind I have is not an entity which infects and controls me as if I am a shell controlled like a brainwashed creature.  When I refer to my mind I am, in fact, referring to me.  I am my mind and my mind is me.  My mind is Tom. Tom is my mind. I am Tom.

I have had many moments where I have felt intruded upon, where my mind has been in the clutches of a foreign creature seeking to suck the core of my being from me.  This creature (this Intruder) with the intent on destroying me though has only been me.  My Intruder has no power because he doesn’t exist.  I am the owner of my mind and the keeper of my destiny.  I walk this path and decide what fork to take and what road to travel.

It is my choice to live a healthy, full and exuberant life.