Do Not Worry

Worry, worry, worry.  It has been a thing which has plagued me in life.  It has been a twisted vine round my throat, that has squeezed more as I have tried to fight it.  The more I have tried to expel demonic thoughts of worry from my mind, the more it has choked the life from me.  I have filled my head with soothing mantras about not worrying about tomorrow, as it looks after itself and worry is simply the fatalistic conclusion of something that hasn't happened yet.  No matter what I have done though, I have worried more; I have been in my bed, wide awake and consumed by the horrific knot of worry in my stomach.

I know I ma not alone; we all worry at times and some of us more than others.  It has amazed me as to how some people appear unfazed by anything.  I know we all wear masks at times and what happens when the door is closed and no-one can see you dramatically differs from outside appearances.

In today's climate of financial difficulties, many of us live hand to mouth and hope, even pray, a bill doesn't come through the door we didn't plan for.  Financial concerns have definitely caused more of us to worry more regularly.  That, in turn, affects personal relationships; you find you cannot provide emotional awareness of loved ones because your mind is overwhelmed by bills, bank charges and rising living costs.  Our greed in the West has truly bitten us in the arse and now we all (well, apart from the elite and protected rich) are feeling the consequences and having to work out what the future will bring.

The trouble is, when you're consumed by worry, long term planning and optimism isn't much of an option, because how can you look beyond when the present is fogging your vision and clouding your judgement?  You find the little things in life, which usually bring peace and joy seem trivial and pointless.  I'm not simply referring to money worries here, but family problems, work issues, personal struggles.  When we are taken over by the niggling, incessant rash of worry, we are left helpless and mentally impotent.

There is always light daringly breaking through though.  There is always help smashing through the walls and thrusting a hand out for you to hold on to.

I still worry; but I also keep those soothing philosophies close to hand to stem the tide and potential tsunami of panic.  Worry has so often taken over because I have been unwilling to share those worries and seek the calming influence of others.  A friend reminded me tonight that when you say something, you give words power and existence.  I have worried recently and when I have spoken those words of worry to Carmen, she has eased my fears and calmed my emotions.  Not always with wisdom or knowledge, but by simply listening.

Find someone and speak with them.  Their attention and time given to you to simply listen lifts the worry and allows the light of day to bring more clarity.  You are not a lone traveller.

Peace.

Home

It’s been over two years since I have had a place to call home.  I have had many places that have acted as a base to sleep and eat, but my heart was still searching for a home.  Circumstances where you have to move regularly make you desperately aware how important it is to have a place that is comforting, emotionally safe and peaceful. 

After moving into a small one bedroom apartment just over two years ago, I was hoping it would be a quirky little pad, which I could feel at home in.  I definitely had moments where it felt just that and I did look forward to going back and being in my little space.  But, it always felt temporary; it wasn’t somewhere I believed would be suitable to provide longevity.  And when I sank into rather dark moments I found my ‘home’ was more of a prison.  I was alone, in a place which felt isolated and oppressive.  It became a stark reminder that I was not good on my own and need people around me; sitting on my own in a small place magnified my depression and I spiralled in a whirlwind of self-destruction and suicidal moments.  I made poor decisions and didn’t help myself in any way.

From a lonely apartment I went into a house share and starkly it magnified how I had no home.  House shares can be a good way to live for financial reasons but what does happen is it makes you realise you are living in someone else’s home.  I felt as if I was invading a person’s space and what actually happened was my bedroom became my refuge.  I lived in my room and thus from living in an apartment I ended up living in a bedroom.  I felt like a failure because in the space of two years I had gone from having a marriage and mortgage and lived in a lovely house, to renting a room and being deep in depression.  I was far from settled and resenting the life I had.

It’s easy to make rash decisions and it’s easy to latch on to anyone or anything.  In the past couple of years I have done just that and it’s caused problems.  I saw I needed to re-orientate my thinking and lifestyle.  I needed to get into a place of balance and quite honestly didn’t really know how I was going to do it. I moved back to my parents’ to simply get amongst family and friends again.  I was lonely and, at times, wanting to die.  I felt like a waste of space and useless.

In the past sixth months though, things have drastically changed and it amazes me.  It has showed me that life can massively improve with a bit of good fortune and a massive desire to turn things around.  I’m now living in a lovely apartment with a beautiful girl, who loves me and accepts me for who I am, with all the emotional and physical scars I bear.  I’m healing and my depression is under control.  My medication has been reduced and suicidal thoughts have been locked away.

And what about home?  I have a home.  I have a place, we have a place, which is wonderful.  We look forward to going home and resting in each other’s company.  We feel so blessed to be living where we are and I am very, very happy.  Home is somewhere in which it is about emotional security and also finding peace. 

Welcome Home.