The Seducer

Ah, that delightful temptation seeps through my veins like a thick syrup.  It oozes through my being clogging my system and seductively envelops me in a toxic hug.  It whispers sweetly in my ear inviting me in, reassuring me that this is the path to take; this is the road to freedom.  It feels intoxicating and I am almost drunk on the promises being massaged into my mind.  I am under a spell and I feel myself being pulled deeper and deeper into a dark and dangerous place.  I am becoming a slave.

Small voices of despair try to break through but they are muffled and censored behind a more powerful and inviting voice.  A voice which reassures me this route brings relief and it brings liberation.  The muffled voices cry out in protest and sob in utter horror, but I cannot really hear them because I don't want to hear them.  Their voices invoke fear but the other voice brings calm clarity.  The voices of despair smash themselves against their prison walls, screaming to be heard but the walls are growing thicker and their voices more distant.

"It is futile," whispers my seducer.  I nod in agreement.  It is futile.  I am spellbound.

Its smooth, cold perfection feels light and easy in my grip.  It is like an extension of me because I use it everyday with such skill and ease.  Why wouldn't I connect it with myself?  It's like an artist's brush or a musician's instrument; you give your everything to it and it, in turn, becomes part of you.  I anticipate the first cut in a long time and it feels exhilarating.

"NO!"

A muffled voice has broken free.

"You are loved.  You are better.  You are stable.  You are of worth."

I hesitate.

"You are not fucked up to do this anymore.  It's not just you you will be cutting, but those around you."

The seductive voice of self harm has lost her power and I can walk another day without new cuts that would become scars.  I can walk another day knowing I do not loathe myself.

I like myself.

Bloody hell, there's even days where I love myself.

Peace.      

Think of Me

Think of me when you're a little desperate and need a tender touch,
Think of me when your mind is racing and it feels too much.
Think of me when the world is like a field of terrible snares,
Think of me when all you desire is to know I deeply care.

Hold on to me when you feel your grip is slipping away,
Hold on to me when the night seems as if it will never become day.
Hold on to me when your heart won't stop beating hard,
Hold on to me when all you need is your hand held.

Cuddle in to me when the terror of the night makes you gasp,
Cuddle in to me as I will never leave, I am here to the last.
Cuddle in to me and listen to the gentle beat of my heart,
Cuddle in to me and let that rhythm bring peace to your heart.

Kiss me when you need to feel cared and loved,
Kiss me as I am the one you know you can trust.
Kiss me as these lips are yours and yours always,
Kiss me my sweet as I shall never walk away.

Society not Selfishness

Carmen and I have bought a house. Well, nearly.  We're almost there, we just need to sign the mortgage deeds and send the money through.  This is the crux of the issue though, because we were sent a bill by our solicitors today and it was much higher than we thought it should be.

I phoned the solicitors and questioned the bill and they dismissed me like I was a silly little child daring to question their 'professionalism'.  I then phoned our mortgage adviser asking for his, well, advice!  I went through the bill with him and he saw an anomaly and phoned the lawyers on our behalf and they admitted they had made a mistake by a whopping £800.  These are people charging hellish amounts of money and they were going to overcharge us by a huge figure.

They sent through a new bill and bloody hell, they'd adjusted their figures but somehow another £200 has been added to the bill in other areas.  I am absolutely disgusted by their brazen attempts to get money from us, as if we'll simply put our hands in our pockets and pay it.  They will be in for a fight.

Their approach though, sums up the disease of our society where greed and individualism is king.  If I can get something out of this, it doesn't matter how it affects others.  Fuck that.

If our society will ever succeed again it will be about integrity, grace and community.  I will never overcharge someone in my restaurant because it's about community enjoying the experience.  We will make a profit because we are good with our finances and welcome people back time and time again.

These lawyers trying to rob us don't understand that trying to do business by hoping you can fleece people without anyone noticing is parasitic and sucks the life out of society.  If these scum bags can sleep at night then I am amazed.