When you feel my heat,
Look into my eyes,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide.
Don't get too close,
It's dark inside,
It's where my demons hide,
It's where my demons hide.
Imagine Dragons.
The demons of depression don't ever go away. They might be hiding but they never truly disappear. The frustrating thing about clinical depression is that symptoms can maddeningly appear for 'no reason'. Depression isn't about having a bad day or week. Depression isn't about feeling pissed off. Depression isn't about snapping out of it. Depression is about battling with those demons of fear, self-loathing and darkness. Life at the moment is really good; Carmen and I have a lovely life that we have built together; we're getting married next year, we own a house together, we're blessed to have a wonderful group of friends and are close to our family - what on earth is there to be depressed about?
Clinical depression is not about the situation. Clinical depression is about the murky depths of the mind wanting to snatch light and life.
I'm having bad dreams every night at the moment because my mind is in a battle with my demons. Irrational fears and past mistakes haunt my dreams making me wake in cold sweats and leaving my wanting to burst with anxiety. It's horrible to be nervous to close your eyes at night. It's tiring. It's unnerving. I am facing a journey through the valley of shadows at the moment and have to be on my guard from sinking into a state of darkness. Melodramatic? Try it for a week.
So, I have to be vocal about my struggles through this wonderful medium and talking openly with Carmen. She knows there are demons lurking because she can see it in my eyes, My eyes lose their sparkle in these times and it worries her. I know it's a cycle. Depressive symptoms appear to be cyclical, but it's important when the cycle starts that I do everything to counter it, such as writing, talking, eating right and (trying) to sleep well.
The demons are floating behind my eyes but I know they're there and eventually they'll retreat.
Peace. x
