Grab this Life

Is this the world we occupy?  Are we really here and living in this strange and complex palace?  Pinch me, because we are possibly riding toward paradise.

You know, so often in this life of ours we have thought things weren't going to get any better and maybe these were the cards we were destined to be dealt.  I don't believe in destiny though, because destiny implies no control.  Destiny implies we don't have a choice and we are on this sad conveyor belt of life where we have to simply sit and accept whatever is thrown at us. No.  I see a future where we decide what path to take and what life we want.

I understand we will be tripped and trodden on.  I understand others will drag us down and try to drain us.  But surely that creates more resolve and ignites that burning fire of passion to work harder to make life the wonderful, beautiful thing we know it can be.  My goodness, this is the only chance we have, why waste it on worry and regret?  Why look back when you can turn your face to the sun of opportunity and joy?

This life is the one shot we have at utter hugeness.  This is your life and, by god, make sure you grab this life with all your might so that your strength is tearing through it.  Why waste time on empty words and hesitation?  We will not be another one who wishes they took that moment when it came.

We will be the ones who embraced the wonder of opportunity to be all we are meant to be.

The Chase

For the past two nights I have been having dreams about being chased.  It is one of those typical dreams where no matter how fast you run, you cannot escape your pursuer.  Your legs feel heavy and laboured and all your movements are sluggish and exaggerated.  You are desperately willing your body to engage and take flight from the dark figure stalking your dreams, but all the will in the world appears useless.

I am waking up disorientated and uneasy; I am feeling on edge and stalked.  Those few moments of not understanding it was just a dream are intense and horrible. The trouble is, I am feeling on edge throughout the day because of the dreams and I am hoping tonight will be a peaceful night.  I am hoping tonight will be dreams of future plans and present love and past achievements.

I have been analysing why I have been having these dreams and wondering if it is my Intruder waving hello.  He is never far away and I do get paranoid he will burst onto the scene in all his macabre glory.  He is under control and I have a small smattering of dark incidents over the past two years to smudge a rather clean and wonderfully positive time in my life.

But.

He doesn't adhere to my rules.  He adheres to his own chaos and dystopia.

Thankfully, I am stronger and more stable; I am wiser and more aware; I am loved and in love.

Ultimately, my Intruder can only do as much damage as I allow him.  He can only chase me as long as I keep running and don't turn and face him.  It is my life, my control and my destiny.

Peace.  x

My Darling, My Lover, My Friend

My darling, you are my world, my friend, my lover, my everything.  Each day is a beginning so we have no fear of an end.  I will endeavor to love you with the utter limits of my strength; you deserve this and so much more.  Words falter from my lips at times when I want to describe what you mean to me, so through these words I hope you will understand.

I hope you will understand that the sun rises and sets with you, because in your light I see the world more clearly.

I hope you understand how in the clearness of what I see I am so completely sure of who I am.  It is true that when you find the one you adore you become so completely sure of who you are and meant to be.  it is like seeing everything in crystal clarity, like you can almost see objects broken down to their tiniest details.  Have you ever looked closely at a drop of water clinging on to a leaf and been amazed at how it is delicately poised?  As you stare at it you can almost see it as if it is living.  Every detail clear and precise.  This is how my emotions are with you.  Clear, precise and true.

My darling, I will strive to be your world, your friend and always be there as your trusted companion.  These words are for you and only you.

My heart is for you and only you.

The Power of Love

Love is a strangly divisive word. We all have theories about what "real" love is. Some of us believe it is about the first sight phenomenom and others believe it is a slow burning sensation where real love comes through after understanding someone and growing to learn who that person is. There is talk about loving a person being different to being "in love".

For me love is definitely a verb. That is, love involves action, it involves integrity, it involves hard work and it involves faith. We are a whimsical people. We are fickle and impatient and we demand instant results. Real love can seem like hard work because it may not fit into the Hollywood bullshit we were so ignorant to think could actually be real. Just a little memo; your life isn't blessed with a writer writing your lines through your life.

In a world of instants we can sometimes delude ourselves that if we have a bad day with the one we love we can believe that maybe they're not the "one". News flash: hapy ever after didn't mean always happy ever after. There will always be times where you struggle as a couple, but the beauty of that struggle is how you overcome those adversities and show your true colours. My goodness, I am using far too many cliches but that's the point, true and real love transcends all of this and shows that to be truly happy you can snuggle up at the end of a day and laugh at the silly arguments, cuddle up and remember how bloody perfect a simple hug is.

Transparency. Trust. Truth.

Carmen loves me because I have all of the above qualities. Sometimes it hurts to have them because I don't hide anything and she becomes frustrated or angry with me but she ultimately respects me because I don't entwine myself with lies and deceit. This is me. In my worst and in my best.

This is me.

And she loves me.

And she is in love with me.

And I with her.

Happy ever after.

Reach for the Stars

At work today I was watching the various people eating in the restaurant and getting a glimpse into their lives. There was the table celebrating a birthday, giving a cake, with three candles to their elderly relative; the young couple who were clearly in love but enjoyed people watching, but always acknowledging each other through subtle hand holds and glances; the five desperate housewives who chatted loudly and enthusiastically about suburban life; the uptight group of four who, as friends, clearly needed to enjoy life more; the Spanish party of four who loved life and chatted passionately.

People are diverse and interesting and all on a journey to an unknown destination. They're all muddling through this world trying to understand who they are and where they fit in this strange existence. Nothing is certain for any of us. We may have a succesful career but possibly a rocky home life. We may be madly in love but struggling to make ends meet. We may be fervently certain about our soul but utterly lost about our physical state of health. We may be the perfect example of physical prowess but spiritually lost at sea. We may read five books a week and have diverse knowledge but be emotionally crippled. We all face those moments of questioning who we are and what we are here for.

But that is the beauty of this journey isn't it? This journey is along a road full of twists and turns and tests. This journey has no promises of being easy but it does provide wonderful possibilities where we can be people who reach beyond daydreams and grasp the stars.

Go grab a star.

Peace. X

Back on the Pills

So, I'm back on my medication. It was a difficult decision to make because I had gone through the long process of slowly coming off them and being stable and at peace without the need for medication. I have been on anti-depressants for over four years but still have this niggling sensation of it being a stigma although I know it isn't justified to feel this way.

I had felt a sense of freedom of being able to wake up each day without needing to pop a pill to stabilise my mood. I had felt the tight chords of darkness release their grip and allow me to breathe again. I had felt the wonderful sense of achievement of making a coice of whether the bleak despair has a say or the bright sense of optimism.

But, sometimes there's no stopping the train of depression. Sometimes it's not possible to fight of the feelings of disgust and self loathing. In those moments, no amount of 'PMA' or desperate hope that my mood will lift will actually make any difference. Sometimes there is a need to say, "Enough," and admit the absolute need for help. I went too long pretending I was okay and I would snap out of it. I went too long going through massive highs and lows, believing this was normal and sane. This time though, I saw the signs and swept aside pride and social stigma and made a choice.

I need the pills because it's not a simple case of snapping out of it. It's not a simple case of 'manning up.' It's not about seeing what happens. When you have an overwhelming desire to harm yourself, you know you need outside help and support. When the desire to harm yourself means you need someone by your side to ensure you don't do anything stupid, you know you need help.

So I am happy to be back on medication because it's okay to be vulnerable and it is okay to say, "I can't do this on my own."

Peace. X

Homeland and Depression

I was watching Homeland the other day and it is a really insightful drama about depression and the struggle it is and always will be.  When depressed it causes heightened paranoia, but it also gives greater insights into situations.  Unfortunately, because you're depressed others tend not to trust your judgement and you also doubt your own credibility.

Everything becomes magnified in a depressed mind, so that the smallest thing can seem gigantic.  A throwaway comment can be analysed and scrutinised for days, even weeks, in the mind of a depressed person.  There are comments from years ago that I sometimes still analyse to wonder if it really had any meaning and was actually truthful about who I am and what I stand for.

We all analyse things from time to time and can wonder, when we walk into a room if a couple of people laugh and look our way whether they were laughing at us.  With depression though, you don't brush it off but go home and tear apart your personality why they were laughing at you - when in fact, they were probably laughing and happened to look your way as they were laughing because you happened to walk through the door at the same time.

Homeland was very interesting because Carrie, the female protagonist, has bi-polar and is dismissed as crazy because of her disorder.  The irony is that although she is acutely ill, her insights are more valid than anyone realises.  I have come to accept that although there have been many times my judgement has been severely impaired, my natural instincts should never be doubted as my depression may magnify my emotions but don't nullify my instincts.

Depression does not take away my humanity, it affirms my humanity and the struggles we all face to be genuine, passionate people.