The Paradox of Time

I'm sure most of us have wondered why five minutes before you finish work appears to drag on and on, whereas five minutes before you have to get out of bed in the morning appears to be but a blink of the eye.  We'd like it to be the other way round.

We are ruled by time and I know I am particularly concerned with it.  I like (very strongly) to have clocks in easy view and can't go to bed without my phone next to me so I can know the time.  I know, it reads like I am bordering on obsessive and maybe I am.  I don't like to feel time is slipping away - I don't want to waste the time I have.  When I was in therapy my fears to do with losing time came through because, for me, I have huge fears of losing my mind.  I have fears of getting dementia and losing the life I had.  Time is connected to that and I worry that I am not appreciating the time I have and the life I am living.

Of course, this is a huge contradiction because the more I worry that I am not appreciating the life I am living, the more I am fulfilling my own fears.

Therapy though helped me to understand how unnecessary these fears are and how important it is to understand that my life will slip away if I continue to worry in such a way.  Time will continue to tick by regardless of how I feel so, in the end, the only thing I am competing against is myself.  I am young and healthy, why be afraid of a distant unknown?

And this comes back to five minutes in bed or five minutes at work; if I continue to worry away my life then time will fly by and I will be standing there, in years to come, realising I had worried my life away in the blink of an eye and not grabbed life in all its fullness and beauty.

Live your life.

Peace.  x

The One I Love

In this world of instants and Hollywood-esque desires, always remember that love is patient and love is kind.  My love for you is enduring because it doesn't need flashy gestures or one time gestures.  The love I have for you lasts because it hurts to thinks of a world without you and it gives me strength to remember that you inhabit my world and I inhabit yours and we are on a journey of redemption together.

Redemption?

Yes, because love is like a saviour.  When you love someone and they love you it is life giving and breathes new energy and life in dusty and tired bones.  I was deeply depressed and felt lonely and in a place of darkness.  Knives and nooses were my friends and death appeared to be seductive.  Through love I found new life and new hope.

Your love was part of that.  Your love gave me courage.  Your love slotted into that wonderful journey of healing.

When I see you I see kindness and caring.  I see a girl of passionate desire to give and keep on giving.  I see a girl who knows what it means to hurt and therefore strives to give love and compassion.  I see someone who will never fail to give up on me and sees the potential I have when I don't see it.

I see and feel that tender touch and that soft kiss.

I feel that warmth of affection that sends shivers down my spine.  A beautiful paradox.

I see you.

I love you.

My Mind is Tom. Tom is my Mind.

The mind is a strange and scary entity.  As an atheist I guess my personality, character and even ‘destiny’ comes mainly from how my brain is wired.  There is no God, universe, karma, luck or fate to guide my life or define my ‘soul.’  My life is not mapped out before me like a toy car on an electric race track.  I do not believe in predestination.  How this life I occupy reveals itself is down to the choices I make through the circumstances I encounter.

My mind has (and does) played tricks on me and decisions I have made have been misjudged because of impaired mental awareness.  In illness I made choices which were wrong and these choices created a different path to the one I hoped would be set out before me.  It has not been destiny or God’s intervention but my actions (or inactions) in specific scenarios and situations.  To cut or not to cut; to say yes or no; to speak up or stay silent; to walk away or not.

The mind I have is not an entity which infects and controls me as if I am a shell controlled like a brainwashed creature.  When I refer to my mind I am, in fact, referring to me.  I am my mind and my mind is me.  My mind is Tom. Tom is my mind. I am Tom.

I have had many moments where I have felt intruded upon, where my mind has been in the clutches of a foreign creature seeking to suck the core of my being from me.  This creature (this Intruder) with the intent on destroying me though has only been me.  My Intruder has no power because he doesn’t exist.  I am the owner of my mind and the keeper of my destiny.  I walk this path and decide what fork to take and what road to travel.

It is my choice to live a healthy, full and exuberant life.

The Weight of the World

What weighs you down so much?  It's as if you have taken the weight of the world upon those shoulders.  You are not meant to live this way.  The heaviness you brutally carry is only from you; you have placed it there as some form of self-harm.

Don't you feel its damage and destruction?  Don't you want to experience the liberation that comes from being able breathe again?  I know it's utterly dejecting to feel so trapped.  It's like running through a maze in the pouring rain.  You can barely see each step you take.  You trip and fall, wiping the rain from your face but it makes no difference.  The more you wipe your face, the more the rain batters you and your eyes sting as there is no respite.  You keep hitting dead ends and run around in circles, coming up against wall after wall.

You fall face down and eat the dirt.  Coughing and spluttering you try to stand but your legs are jelly.  It's as if you are loaded with bricks on your back.

It's hopeless.
It's helpless.

It doesn't have to be this way.
It doesn't need to be so utterly devoid of light.  The light is attainable.  It is within grasp of your cold, weak hands.

There is hope.
You're not helpless.

Peace.  x

Grab this Life

Is this the world we occupy?  Are we really here and living in this strange and complex palace?  Pinch me, because we are possibly riding toward paradise.

You know, so often in this life of ours we have thought things weren't going to get any better and maybe these were the cards we were destined to be dealt.  I don't believe in destiny though, because destiny implies no control.  Destiny implies we don't have a choice and we are on this sad conveyor belt of life where we have to simply sit and accept whatever is thrown at us. No.  I see a future where we decide what path to take and what life we want.

I understand we will be tripped and trodden on.  I understand others will drag us down and try to drain us.  But surely that creates more resolve and ignites that burning fire of passion to work harder to make life the wonderful, beautiful thing we know it can be.  My goodness, this is the only chance we have, why waste it on worry and regret?  Why look back when you can turn your face to the sun of opportunity and joy?

This life is the one shot we have at utter hugeness.  This is your life and, by god, make sure you grab this life with all your might so that your strength is tearing through it.  Why waste time on empty words and hesitation?  We will not be another one who wishes they took that moment when it came.

We will be the ones who embraced the wonder of opportunity to be all we are meant to be.

The Chase

For the past two nights I have been having dreams about being chased.  It is one of those typical dreams where no matter how fast you run, you cannot escape your pursuer.  Your legs feel heavy and laboured and all your movements are sluggish and exaggerated.  You are desperately willing your body to engage and take flight from the dark figure stalking your dreams, but all the will in the world appears useless.

I am waking up disorientated and uneasy; I am feeling on edge and stalked.  Those few moments of not understanding it was just a dream are intense and horrible. The trouble is, I am feeling on edge throughout the day because of the dreams and I am hoping tonight will be a peaceful night.  I am hoping tonight will be dreams of future plans and present love and past achievements.

I have been analysing why I have been having these dreams and wondering if it is my Intruder waving hello.  He is never far away and I do get paranoid he will burst onto the scene in all his macabre glory.  He is under control and I have a small smattering of dark incidents over the past two years to smudge a rather clean and wonderfully positive time in my life.

But.

He doesn't adhere to my rules.  He adheres to his own chaos and dystopia.

Thankfully, I am stronger and more stable; I am wiser and more aware; I am loved and in love.

Ultimately, my Intruder can only do as much damage as I allow him.  He can only chase me as long as I keep running and don't turn and face him.  It is my life, my control and my destiny.

Peace.  x

My Darling, My Lover, My Friend

My darling, you are my world, my friend, my lover, my everything.  Each day is a beginning so we have no fear of an end.  I will endeavor to love you with the utter limits of my strength; you deserve this and so much more.  Words falter from my lips at times when I want to describe what you mean to me, so through these words I hope you will understand.

I hope you will understand that the sun rises and sets with you, because in your light I see the world more clearly.

I hope you understand how in the clearness of what I see I am so completely sure of who I am.  It is true that when you find the one you adore you become so completely sure of who you are and meant to be.  it is like seeing everything in crystal clarity, like you can almost see objects broken down to their tiniest details.  Have you ever looked closely at a drop of water clinging on to a leaf and been amazed at how it is delicately poised?  As you stare at it you can almost see it as if it is living.  Every detail clear and precise.  This is how my emotions are with you.  Clear, precise and true.

My darling, I will strive to be your world, your friend and always be there as your trusted companion.  These words are for you and only you.

My heart is for you and only you.