Mark Driscoll is an antichrist

I posted the other day about control freaks and Mark Driscoll is a prime example of what I was writing about.

Mark Driscoll is pastor of a very large church in Seattle.  From what I gather, the church is still growing and the largest demographic (according to his words) are 20something single men.  This probably speaks volumes.

I was made aware by my twin bro about a website written by a couple who left Driscoll's church after facing severe bullying and abuse.  Driscoll was extremely controlling and intimidating.  Here's a video by this 'Christian' leader preaching about how nice it would be to punch the crap out of some of his leaders.  Arrogant, ignorant and completely anti-Christian is how I would categorise this guy:

There are so many videos of Driscoll and his absolutely bullish ways.  He disdains women by the implied things he says in preaches I have listened to; he views any man who struggles as weak and insignificant.  He is the epitome of the anti-christ because he sees Jesus as a Sly Stallone, ready to slit the throat of Satan and he sees himself as Apollo Creed ready to smash the shit out of anyone who would oppose him.

I don't usually post about specific Christians, but then this guy isn't a Christian but is actually a twat who I hope is revealed for the fraud and absolute shit he really is.

I don't believe Jesus is god, but if he is then I feel sorry for him that he has people like this claiming to represent him, because Mark Driscoll is an anti-christ.

The Intruder is Knocking

Damn it.  I feel the Intruder scraping at the door.  I hear his nails scratching and reminding me that he hasn't gone away and he's still there.  He's like a niggling ache.  He's like an ulcer under your tongue that you can't help prodding.  He's a bad feeling that won't go away.

I'm nowhere near the depths of darkness I was at over a year ago and I'm thankful for that.  I'm thankful for the mental strength I have now and the awareness of little triggers that I can confront and push back.  Nonetheless, he's prowling like a caged beast, looking for a weakness so he can pounce and I hate it.

Depression is a constant and unrelenting battle that needs strength and deep emotional awareness.  It's a weird paradox, because being depressed means you are acutely intelligent about your emotions and are highly intuitive about what it means to 'feel.'  It is not a self-serving component of self-pity.  It is a brutal reminder of how easily I can sink into scary depths of despair and before I know it I am despising myself and inflicting mental and physical pain on myself.

Each day I must step back and remind myself of the wonderful truths my life has.  I am loved.  I love.  I am loved. I love.  I am loved.  I love.

I am loved.  I love.

It is not repetitive; it is restorative.

The Intruder may want to cause havoc on my life, but I will not allow it because joy and peace are my goals.

Peace.  x

Control Freaks

The problem with trying to control everything is it is the antithesis of what it means to be human.  When you try to control everything and everyone around you, it actually creates a toxic environment.  Humanity is the wonderful, beautiful, stunning thing it is because of our ability to be free and thrive.  Our greatest achievements have been when we have dared to step into darkness, when we have asked the questions no-one else has dared, when we have defied authorities and declared we are more than you say, when we have stopped and looked beyond ourselves, when we have understood how minuscule we are, yet how momentous we can be, when we have refused to believe impossible is actually a word.

Control is toxic because it eats away at the core of what it means to be human.  History teaches us that those who have been controlled and oppressed, have become so dejected and helpless they have finally said, "Enough," and risen up and become a people of greatness, a people of wonderful opportunity.   The Arab Springs shows us that you can only beat a man down for so long.  The abolition of slavery showed that when you try to control humanity, which is built up with fierce passions, unconditional love, absolute belief in oneself and fear of nothing, no man or ideology will be able to quench such a tide.

The need to control comes from fear and insecurity.  When we try to control everything to the tiniest details, it is a reflection of our insecurities and inability to control our own emotions and our mental state.  We are afraid of ourselves and fear the shadows that come to us when we go to bed.  We are unsure of who we are what we are and so we try to control people and situations to authoritarian levels because we hope it will compensate for the fear that keeps us awake at night.

Absolute control never works because humans are built to break free and smash chains (mental or physical ) because that is who we are and what makes us so fucking beautiful.

The Stars, Not the Gutter

The thing is, you can stay where you are and stay at what you're doing.  You can stick with how things are and convince yourself that this is how it is meant to be.  You can stay with your deluded thoughts that this is as good as it gets.

In many ways I am safe with what I am doing and how I am living.  In many ways it is easier this way.  But then I see what I could be and become.  I see what staying does;  it infects you and turns your head from the stars and back to the gutter.

Carmen constantly reminds me that I am not a gutter man but a star man and I must, I should, I can and I will be a star man.  It's hard because I have lost so much confidence in what I can be.  I feel like the past three years have been a sense of failure and I do look at my life and think I have achieved so little.  I have a wonderful girl in my life who loves me and motivates me to strive for that wonderful sense of achievement and happiness that I know I can do.  It's hard to see it at times though and the blanket of inky doubt seeps over my mind and I regularly believe I will never get to where I know I can be.

It's easy to think 'this' is it and actually you're kidding yourself to think you'll step beyond what you're currently doing.  I dream a lot and I dream a lot of being in a place where I am proud of what I do and have a sense of peace in what I do.  I tend to think it is wistful to believe you can wake up in the morning looking forward to the job you do and you will keep reaching higher and higher.  I keep losing sight of that dream and wake up anxious and despondent.  Carmen keeps giving me a dream slap and reminds me of the person I am - a dreamer with potential.

Don't be fooled into thinking you won't ever get there in what ever you are planning, because we are people of huge potential.  We are people who have reached the stars and left the gutter behind.

Peace.  x

Life during Life

"If I died tomorrow, do you actually think you would never see me again?"

Carmen asked me this question not too long ago and it really challenged me.  Being an atheist means I do think this life is it and the journey ends when death wraps its cold arms around us.  It scares me to think that if Carmen, whilst I am writing this, dies would I ever see aher again in a life after?  Does the journey continue?  I have to be honest with myself though and, right now, I don't think I would see her again.  I believe the life we are sharing is the only journey we will share; therefore I need to make the most of her.

It's a brutal viewpoint, I know.  Some may see it as slightly callous because it seems alien to think we won't see loved ones again.  When a person dies the regular responses are of hope that they are in a 'better place', 'sleeping with the angels', 'walking with Jesus' and so forth.

People refuse to believe I am an atheist and are almost incredulous that I could hold the belief that there is no afterlife.  It's slightly offensive to some.

But, just because I don't believe in heaven doesn't mean I don't believe in love and compassion and care.  I spent too many days hating myself and others and digging my grave early.  Too many days wishing this life away.  It's true, life is for living.

I may not believe in life after death but I passionately believe in life during life.

I Am Free

I was talking to some friends the other day who struggle with depression and each day is a battle and calls for strength from others around them to help them and guide them.  What struck me was when we started talking about medication;  medication is a two edged sword, it is helpful, but can become an obsession.  The medication I was on was so useful and so beneficial to my recovery, but I knew it was also something I wasn't sure I could do without.

I am now medication free and it is wonderful to be drug free and stable. It took me a little while to adjust and know I was 'normal' after being so long on medication, but now I know I am in a good place and happy!   What struck me was talking to my friends and the medication they are on - I was on so much more.  My transition from medication to prescription free is a miracle.  I have moved from really heavy medication to being completely free and I know that is wonderful.

I will not take for granted the joy of being free from the darkness and depression and desolation. I will not be complacent about how  I am feeling so good and risk it.  My mind is fragile and my life balances on a knife edge, so it is important that I embrace the road before me.

I went from utter despair to a palace of peace and light - I will live in this palace with joy and light and life.

Peace.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember?  Do you remember how it felt?  Do you remember?

It was like a blanket of inky darkness wrapped around my brain and seeped into every corner, travelling through the palaces of my mind, making the walls crumble and ceilings collapse.  It was infection from the inside out.

Do you remember?

It was pain that had no face or form; no substance and took no respite.  It was relentless in its advance and rushed in like a terrifying force of nature.  It smashed through the walls of my mind and twisted its knife deep inside my soul.

Do you remember?

The road to freedom was long, treacherous and lonely.  I gazed into the bleak horizon and only saw hostility and hopelessness.  I only saw darkness and despair.  I only saw sadness and suicide.

Do you remember?

Then it changed.  In the horizon I saw the sun stretch its rays of hope through the sky and punch away the darkness.  The hostile road, illuminated by the hope, revealed something new and exciting and peaceful. The road of despair was no longer so and I could see that which I feared was unfounded in the new light.  In the dark the mind plays tricks and can deceive you; in the light you see things how they really are.

The blanket of depression wrapped around my brain has begun to dissolve.  I am not consumed by guilt and fear and loathing.  I am compelled by light and love and hope.

I want you to remember.

Peace.