Siren

You think Prince Charming will sweep you away?
Don't be so naïve he's only looking for a lay.
He won't won't ride in and save your life,
He will give you the same worry and strife.
Romeo took his life by his hands
and Juliet followed unable to live alone.
That's not romance but inability to think herself.
The fairytale is but a fleeting dream we try
Muddied by our ability to fake and lie.

Sirens seduced men with their haunting songs,
takings men's souls and trapping their emotions
so that they are driven mad by a deep longing
that will never be fulfilled or made into reality.
Their ironic and passionate love call
simply drove men to a place where they would fall
into intoxicating addiction that would implode their minds.
Oh siren, stop calling my name and taking me into
your dark place where I can never escape you.

I want to crash into your life and save you from
your self and the hurt that makes your mind a storm.
The thunder bolts that impale your consciousness
and muddle your brain into that stupid mess,
I want to take in my hands and mould into peace.
We may be faced with a life only on a short lease,
but why accept this term as interest only or not ours
when we have those moments that were only mine and yours?

A Poem

You think this darkness is a choice?
It burns my brain so I have no voice.
It fucks my brain so it sucks my soul
and throws me into that endless hole.

You think this place of shit is what I want?
Do you know the voices that taunt?
Telling me to end it all and end it now
to cut myself and let the blood run dry.

The image in the mirror is a joke to me
The scars of a life once lived is all I see.
Take this throat and cut it deep and true
because I am just a fucking joke to you.

What, you think this life is a happy thrill?
Look at the pain and hurt around until
you realise we're minute specks of sand
sharing stories and crap which is all rather bland.

Ripping off the Mask

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." Oscar Wilde

I remember a really good Friends episode where Phoebe has a boyfriend who is a psychiatrist. He finds Phoebe's chums to be too much to handle because of their need to be categorised. “Define me, define me!” he exclaims sarcastically.

Then watching QI the other night, Jeremy Clarkson commented of his disdain that everything needs a label. Why do we have to label everything, he despairs? It got me thinking about our need to be defined by the external. We can't be comfortable in our own skin.

I do it all the time:

I am an atheist
I suffer from depression
I am on medication
I am in therapy
I was a fundamentalist
I like to be centre of attention
and so on and so forth.

Now none of these are wrong, but it's how I use these statements. Do I use these statements to create a persona for myself, a mask? Ultimately do I compartmentalise myself into one of these statements depending on who I am with?

My therapist is working with me to ensure I am simply Tom wherever I am. Because I do create a persona, usually as a defence mechanism. Humour is the usual route and not long ago someone commented on how different I was in a group setting as opposed to one-to-one. They weren't criticising, simply observing.

I am Tom.
I am Tom.
I am Tom.

We all wear masks and embrace labels at times. But who out there is brave enough to simply be and not stick on a label?

I am Tom.
I am Tom.
I am Tom.

Love

Joe tagged me.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
1: Name one idea that used to be seen as a key Christian theme, but is nowadays regarded as either irrelevant or outdated, although you think it still has a lot to offer.
2. In two sentences say something about why you selected this, and why it should be recovered or renewed.
3. Tag three people.

1: Love. Now this is not a conscious theme that is never used now, but it struck me that love seems to be on the back burner within the Church and society in general.

2: Now it won't be two sentences I'll be using because I can't squeeze my thoughts into such a short space! Our society is plagued by bitter squabbles and pettiness. Politicians argue and try to score points against each other on very minor issues: “He said,” “She said,” type banality. Celebrities, the focal point to many people's lives, sell stories of kiss and tell and try to run each other into the ground for personal gain.

Now the Church is called to be a shining light in a dark world and unfortunately get caught in the same traps. The Anglican Church is marred by issues of allowing women to be bishops. The Catholic Church has far too many issues surrounding the exact opposite of love. The Evangelical Church like to tear pieces out of one another regarding the meaning of Jesus' death on the cross. The American Church has many who will deride you and expel you if you support evolution. And the gay community finds it is suffering from prejudice in pretty much every denomination.

Jesus said to his disciples that they should love on another and the world will know they are his followers. This seems to be a theme Jesus wanted to be carried through forever. So much bitterness and petty squabbling though takes centre stage and the simple notion of loving each other is put way down on the list.

The passage from 1 Corinthians (which is probably overlooked because of its overuse at weddings) calls people remember what it means to love. I was told once to replace the word love with my name. Am I patient, kind, not easily angered, modest, able to forgive quickly and forget? Many times no, but the Church and society need a wake up call to centre our lives on these mantras. I am a hopeless romantic and rather naïve because maybe I do watch Moulin Rouge too much and believe all you need is love. But surely if love was a central theme to how the Church operated (as opposed to paying it lip service) then it would be a shining light into society and maybe society would start to see each other in love and not materialistic gain and ways to suck the life out of each other.

Love is a painful thing because it means you have to make sacrifices and accept some things don't change, but love also means you see people in a new light and look for the best in them, regardless of who they are and what mistakes they have made; after all we all make mistakes. If our motivation is love though, then surely we won't be so plagued by the shit and mindless crap that dominates our days and weeks.

It's rather simple, but I would like to think Jesus said it because he wanted his followers to see the simplicity of it.

3: I don't tag anyone, but welcome feedback.

The Intruder

It's the knot in your stomach. You wake up with it, you go through the day with it and you go to bed with it; and it also keeps you awake. You are constantly anxious and you're not always sure why. It wears you down and causes you to start to give up. You resign your thinking to the fact you will always feel this way. It causes bitterness and resignation and it also causes you to think you are weak and stupid. Snap out of it for god's sake.

There's also the mental and physical disability. You can be walking down the street and you feel this dark cloud invade your mind. So much so that you can't keep walking; you can't do anything. You simply stand there paralysed and wonder what the hell to do. Walking seems too much and the thought of then meeting another person causes the slow, scary rise of panic to fill your consciousness. You stand there terrified of moving and not knowing how to get out of the situation. If it sounds dramatic, it's because it is. We underestimate the power of the mind.

If your mind decides to work against you, then you suddenly acknowledge how utterly necessary and controlling it is. It can feel like you are watching yourself from the outside whilst your mind takes you hostage and you are somehow trapped in a small compartment within your mind, watching an intruder corrupt what you hold so dear.

It's scary fighting against this and claiming your mental health back. Saying you won't be dragged down and you won't entertain those dark thoughts that maybe it's better to simply not be around. It's not a thought hoping to get attention, it's a thought that comes from no longer having the fight in you.

It's when you do fight against the intruder of your mind and unlock the door to the compartment that you find a fresh understanding and fresh hope. I've picked the lock and I'm claiming back what's mine.

Grace and Love

I want to make it clear that a lot of my criticisms about Christianity are aimed at Conservative Evangelicalism and fundamentalism. My gripes are rather broad, sweeping statements about views and theology which is rather unloving and narrow-minded. There are many people with whom I have deep respect and love, who are avid followers of Christ.

Tim, my former boss, is a dear friend who I don't see enough. I would say he was a brilliant example of how Jesus would want to see his followers be. He gave me so much support and love when I was grappling with doubt and depression, whilst working in a job which required rather strong belief! He was a god send and I can't ever be more grateful to you Tim for how much of a good friend you have been to me.

My twin is getting ordained in a couple of weeks and I am so excited about the positive impact Joe is going to have on the community he joins in Devon. He challenges traditional views of church and is going to be doing something I believe Jesus would be rather happy with; he's going to be loving others where they are, as opposed to making them go to him. Unconditional love and grace, something I do feel Jesus taught about a lot. I am very proud of him.

I greatly admire Sam and his work on Mersea as the controversial rector. A very intelligent man who always challenges me with what he writes. Again, he exudes much of what I feel the Early Church was trying to achieve. Good humour, non-judgemental and very accepting of those around him. Another disciple who does not pretend to be anything he isn't and tries to break down misconceptions we form about the Christian faith.

There is much I agree with when it comes to Christianity and grace and love are high on the way I want to be towards others. A lot of my blog will be rather self-deprecating because I'm criticising much of what I used to believe and how it was rather self destructive. There is much though that I really agree with in many areas of more generous theology and would want to applaud people like Joe, Tim and Sam for who they are and what they bring to our community from a faith perspective.

Dealing with Depression

Having depression is a major struggle to say the least. After finally admitting that I had a problem and going to the doctor, it has been improving, but my god there are dark days.

Being a man though, did not make it more difficult to admit I had a problem. The usual cliché of 'hardening up' and 'pulling myself together' never entered my mind. It was more stubborn refusal to admit that I wasn't coping. I'm quite a perfectionist, so to have an imperfect state of mind, which also countered my easy-going and jovial self, seemed utterly ridiculous. I've always enjoyed being centre of attention at parties and the source of good humour. I was dumbfounded when the thought of being in a social situation actually caused me to have a panic attack. It knocked me sideways.

Being prescribed anti-depressants felt like defeat, like I was going to be another one on happy pills. I resented taking them. But the difference they have made is incredible. They're helping me (along with my counsellor) to get to the root of why I'm depressed. It's a long slog, but doors are opening. I do know that part of the reason has been to do with my faith. My belief in god wore me down and made me feel utterly inadequate. I hate, absolutely hate the idea that we're meant to feel worthless and pitiful in front of god. Because it completely dragged my self esteem down. The pressure I put on myself to be doing all that was right and virtuous repressed me emotionally and physically. I did lose a lot of weight when I was a believer. I started to lose interest in my physical self, as it was my soul which was the real thing to worry about. Theologically incorrect and I knew it was, but it still didn't stop me doing, on some levels, a form of self harm. I wasn't looking after myself.

I knew something was wrong when one day I couldn't even make a cup of tea. I simply stared at the kettle, paralysed. It was horrendous. Being trapped mentally like that is awful. So it was when I started taking medication and dealing with the illness that it became liberating. The other thing which really helped was renouncing my faith. I feel so much more alive by believing there is no god, which is ironic as Jesus always spoke about liberating people.

I don't feel my belief system is dictating my mind. It is now a facet to my life which is not centre stage. I'm able to focus more on the things which I want to achieve and I hope am more able to give the love to others I want to give. I'm no longer repressed.