Do Not Worry

Worry, worry, worry.  It has been a thing which has plagued me in life.  It has been a twisted vine round my throat, that has squeezed more as I have tried to fight it.  The more I have tried to expel demonic thoughts of worry from my mind, the more it has choked the life from me.  I have filled my head with soothing mantras about not worrying about tomorrow, as it looks after itself and worry is simply the fatalistic conclusion of something that hasn't happened yet.  No matter what I have done though, I have worried more; I have been in my bed, wide awake and consumed by the horrific knot of worry in my stomach.

I know I ma not alone; we all worry at times and some of us more than others.  It has amazed me as to how some people appear unfazed by anything.  I know we all wear masks at times and what happens when the door is closed and no-one can see you dramatically differs from outside appearances.

In today's climate of financial difficulties, many of us live hand to mouth and hope, even pray, a bill doesn't come through the door we didn't plan for.  Financial concerns have definitely caused more of us to worry more regularly.  That, in turn, affects personal relationships; you find you cannot provide emotional awareness of loved ones because your mind is overwhelmed by bills, bank charges and rising living costs.  Our greed in the West has truly bitten us in the arse and now we all (well, apart from the elite and protected rich) are feeling the consequences and having to work out what the future will bring.

The trouble is, when you're consumed by worry, long term planning and optimism isn't much of an option, because how can you look beyond when the present is fogging your vision and clouding your judgement?  You find the little things in life, which usually bring peace and joy seem trivial and pointless.  I'm not simply referring to money worries here, but family problems, work issues, personal struggles.  When we are taken over by the niggling, incessant rash of worry, we are left helpless and mentally impotent.

There is always light daringly breaking through though.  There is always help smashing through the walls and thrusting a hand out for you to hold on to.

I still worry; but I also keep those soothing philosophies close to hand to stem the tide and potential tsunami of panic.  Worry has so often taken over because I have been unwilling to share those worries and seek the calming influence of others.  A friend reminded me tonight that when you say something, you give words power and existence.  I have worried recently and when I have spoken those words of worry to Carmen, she has eased my fears and calmed my emotions.  Not always with wisdom or knowledge, but by simply listening.

Find someone and speak with them.  Their attention and time given to you to simply listen lifts the worry and allows the light of day to bring more clarity.  You are not a lone traveller.

Peace.

Home

It’s been over two years since I have had a place to call home.  I have had many places that have acted as a base to sleep and eat, but my heart was still searching for a home.  Circumstances where you have to move regularly make you desperately aware how important it is to have a place that is comforting, emotionally safe and peaceful. 

After moving into a small one bedroom apartment just over two years ago, I was hoping it would be a quirky little pad, which I could feel at home in.  I definitely had moments where it felt just that and I did look forward to going back and being in my little space.  But, it always felt temporary; it wasn’t somewhere I believed would be suitable to provide longevity.  And when I sank into rather dark moments I found my ‘home’ was more of a prison.  I was alone, in a place which felt isolated and oppressive.  It became a stark reminder that I was not good on my own and need people around me; sitting on my own in a small place magnified my depression and I spiralled in a whirlwind of self-destruction and suicidal moments.  I made poor decisions and didn’t help myself in any way.

From a lonely apartment I went into a house share and starkly it magnified how I had no home.  House shares can be a good way to live for financial reasons but what does happen is it makes you realise you are living in someone else’s home.  I felt as if I was invading a person’s space and what actually happened was my bedroom became my refuge.  I lived in my room and thus from living in an apartment I ended up living in a bedroom.  I felt like a failure because in the space of two years I had gone from having a marriage and mortgage and lived in a lovely house, to renting a room and being deep in depression.  I was far from settled and resenting the life I had.

It’s easy to make rash decisions and it’s easy to latch on to anyone or anything.  In the past couple of years I have done just that and it’s caused problems.  I saw I needed to re-orientate my thinking and lifestyle.  I needed to get into a place of balance and quite honestly didn’t really know how I was going to do it. I moved back to my parents’ to simply get amongst family and friends again.  I was lonely and, at times, wanting to die.  I felt like a waste of space and useless.

In the past sixth months though, things have drastically changed and it amazes me.  It has showed me that life can massively improve with a bit of good fortune and a massive desire to turn things around.  I’m now living in a lovely apartment with a beautiful girl, who loves me and accepts me for who I am, with all the emotional and physical scars I bear.  I’m healing and my depression is under control.  My medication has been reduced and suicidal thoughts have been locked away.

And what about home?  I have a home.  I have a place, we have a place, which is wonderful.  We look forward to going home and resting in each other’s company.  We feel so blessed to be living where we are and I am very, very happy.  Home is somewhere in which it is about emotional security and also finding peace. 

Welcome Home.      

Depression and Creativity

It's frustratingly ironic at the moment.  When I am in an emotionally good place and mentally stable arena, my creativity is rather lacking.  It's a bit silly really that I should be at my creative best when my depression has wrapped its talons around my brain.

Depression is dark, desolate and dreadful but it ignites a fire of imagination.  I do know that I have written from the depths of depression, so my brain has almost been wired to work best in those conditions.  Stephen Fry used to get writer's block unless he was smoking a cigarette at his computer.  Of course, I'm not thinking of skipping my medication for a week so I can whack out a few thousand words of the book I'm working on - now that would be insane.  I 'simply' need to re-train my brain to work under different conditions.

Depression was my muse and my Intruder softly spoke creative words.  My Intruder has been placed in solitary confinement so it is time for another muse, another creative spark which will fan into flame my imagination:

When did we get to this place, this time and wonderful sense of peace and serenity?  It's surprising and slightly unnerving to be able to wake happy and (mostly) free from the putrid, paralysing grip on my consciousness.  My mind is not being squeezed by the horrendous thoughts of disdain and dread; I am not filled with anxiety over the day ahead.  I can wake in the arms of my beautiful girl, feel her breath on my neck, her arms round my chest and gentle murmur as she sleeps and be at peace.  

I am in a new place which is one of potential and promise, optimism and opportunity, happiness and hope.  I have days which knock me off my feet and bloody my nose, but these days are getting rarer and are being dragged away into the darkness.  If you are wrapped in guilt and anxiety, remember these days are not eternal and these fears are not permanent.  Nothing is static and no fear can harm you.  You are defined by so much more than you can see right now, for you are defined by the wonderful, beautiful and lovely you.  

Islam, Jesus & Atheism

What do you believe?

Allah?

Yahweh?

Jesus?

Nothing?

Karma?

Whatever we believe, they are all very different, but cross many similar boundaries.  Jews, Muslims and Christians are united by Abraham and divided by many other aspects.  They all believe on one God, who is all powerful, all knowing and timeless.

Buddhists (and many people who are vague about their beliefs) believe in Karma and what you give in life dictates what you get.

Atheists believe in no god/gods and that this life is the beginning, middle and end.

We are all united though, because we are human.

The right-wing preachers and bringers of death and doom can all go f*** themselves because the reasonable ones of us realise that life is beautiful because of questions and wonderful dialogue.  Carmen and I had a good time last night chatting with the local Indian restaurant owner about his faith in Allah and the traditions he follows.  His belief in the Koran, Allah and Mohammed was intriguing and interesting.

I honestly don't know what is 'out there' but I do know that I don't want to be ignorant to others' beliefs because our world is built on faith traditions and to ignore them is to ignore our heritage.

Peace.

The Arrogant

Anything you can do I can do better.  You're wrong, that will never work or happen.  You don't know what you're talking about, get real - look at reality.  Step out of the clouds and stop dreaming.

The words of arrogance.  The words of pessimism and negative ideology.

Great icons of history never bowed down to the voices of the arrogant.  They never succumbed to those words which were like an irritating ulcer in the side of your mouth.  Barack Obama would not be president if he allowed The Arrogant to dictate to him his thoughts and dreams.  Martin Luther King Jr would not have implemented the road to equality had he allowed the voices of disdain to guide him through that tempestuous road.  Jesus of Nazareth would never have been more than a carpenter had he been brow beaten and pushed down by the arrogant presumptions of the religious elite.

We must never assume our thoughts and deeds and dreams are unworthy because others scoff, scorn and criticise.  Their world is tainted by disappointment and resentment.  The arrogant have knocked them down and they have given in and given up.

But.

You have dreams and hopes and ambitions.  It does not mean you have to change the world, but simply look at your world and the world of those around you and dare to think of something better, greater.  A change in the dynamics of a relationship.  A change in the way you see yourself in the mirror.  A move from anger to peace.  A shift from resentment to forgiveness.  A day where you open your eyes and look to the potential of the day, not a hope for the day to end.

I have so much I want to achieve and The Arrogant can make me believe it won't happen.  There are things over the past few months which have changed.  I am in love, when I wasn't sure it would happen because I barely even liked myself let alone could love another.  I see opportunity and hope in each sunrise, whereas I used to want to remain in the dark of my room as if afraid of the sunlight.

You must not believe the voices of doom.  Listen to your voice and follow where your dreams are taking you.

Peace.  x

Bijou

The explosion is violent and it tears at my brain,
Scattering my thoughts through the cosmos,
Teetering me on the edge of the almost insane.
I steady myself, blink once, twice, am I lost?
No, I am still here gazing in one direction,
Letting the dust settle and swirl and scatter.
I try not to be swayed by the noise and distraction,
For the explosion is cleansing and only you matter.

Out of the violence and disruption purity comes,
Leaving behind the muck and filth and scum,
And projecting into the light my beautiful one;
You who is not dragged and beaten undone.
No, the fire and explosion is the purification
of my mind. Taking away the grime and muck,
And leaving love which is wonderfully true.
For it is from you my jewel, my sweet Bijou.  

The End is Nigh

The end is nigh.  Simply pondering on it at the moment, but I wonder if the implosion of Europe and beyond is actually going to be a good thing?  Will the peaking of oil actually create a positive out of a perceived disaster?

If countries suddenly find they are unable to trade on the massive scale they are, will they start to focus locally and begin to energise local industry again?  If oil is so expensive that importing of goods and services becomes impossible, will communities create those goods and services instead?

I am ignorant to global economics and naive about international trading, but I am curious as to whether the world needs to collapse in order for society to build again with community as the focus and not greed and individualism...