Why I Want to Emigrate

I would love to have affection for England, but find myself resenting it. We're an Island which has little identity. We're a democratic, pretty liberal state that contradicts with rather fascist mentality in many areas of politics and philosophy. But I think it's the, 'this is my bubble' state of mind many have, which irks most. We're not a particularly friendly bunch of people, who are extremely suspicious of gregarious behaviour. It's probably why the best humour comes from the UK, because we truly understand irony. British = ironic.

When I returned from New Zealand it was like having a bucket of ice cold water thrown over me; the harsh difference between England and NZ was shocking. For six months I got so used to walking into a shop and being greeted by a friendly Kiwi, who seemed to enjoy his job. Serving you wasn't a chore. The nightlife in Auckland was fun and relaxed and you would end up chatting with random strangers. Everything was chilled out, with people wanting to help you out.

First couple of days back in England I was confronted by rude shop staff and twatish behaviour on a night out. Welcome 'home.'

That's the thing, I still feel as if NZ is home somehow. I wasn't there long, but it seemed to fit. The lifestyle, people and general atmosphere felt right. I don't feel as if I belong in England. It feels disjointed. Now I know personal circumstances contribute to all this. The past year and a half have been very difficult and unfortunately I see England in a negative light also because of emotionally tough situations.

The tough decisions with emigrating though are the people you leave behind. I have some wonderful friends and family who I rely on so much. But the pull abroad is too great. So, if it all goes to plan, I will be going to Canada in May and hopefully going back to NZ a year after that. Fingers crossed the visa goes through and then bon voyage!

Love and Marriage

I don't dismiss marriage. It still has a very important role in society and hopefully always will. I watched a comedian, who recently got married, talking about how proud he was. He spoke of how different he felt now he was a husband and the difference in how others perceived him. He was at a restaurant and said, "My wife isn't ready to order yet." The waiter suddenly treated them like, "grown-ups."

I know what he means. I had a certain puffed up feeling when mentioning my wife. Even phoning companies on behalf of her would seem to mean people were more willing to talk to you. It was if you were more trustworthy. There was a curious unwritten rule. I was proud to be married to Abi and to have experienced that time with her.

To me though, marriage is a once in a lifetime thing. I don't want to get married again because of this. I said those vows at that moment in time and do not feel they can be repeated. They were for Abi and Abi only. But that is simply how I feel, because I admire those who want to get married again out of love. If Abi gets married again I will be very happy for her.

That's the thing though, I don't want to get married again, but it doesn't change the love and adoration I will give to the girl I love. What Abi and I shared was unique; marriage was a part of that. We went our separate ways and I cherish what we shared.

What I share with the girl I love will be just as sacred and unique. I will love her unconditionally and we will have many moments unique to the two of us. What two people share doesn't have to be cemented in the institution of marriage. It goes deeper than that; it's about loving that person just the way they are. Adoring all their flaws, because it is part of what makes her the girl you are utterly enchated with.

People find it hard to have worth anymore. We're dominated by tabloid sensationalism and unrealistic portrayals of a perfect life through acquisition of material goods. I believe simply in loving someone for who they are and together trying to be the best people we can. Love transcends social expectations. Whether you say vows in a church or to each other quietly in bed, the point is cherishing what you both have.

Love is not an abstract, unrealistic goal. The greatest writers and artists have used Love as their muse and surely they can't be wrong?

I Love Smoking

I love smoking. I'm not one of those smokers who finishes a cigarette and guilt ensues with a line, “I really need to give up.” I feel no guilt; I enjoy the sensation. I know I also smoke because it's defiant. It's defiant to all the campaigns and propaganda telling us how dangerous the habit is and how weak I am for doing it. I sometimes feel I am sticking my two fingers up at society when I light a stick of death.

Now I know of its dangers and I am fully aware of the healthy reasons to stop. The thing is, it doesn't concern me. As with so much of what I think about, you may be reading this wondering why I'm analysing it so much. You're probably thinking I need to get out more, as reflecting on why I smoke is absurd. Bear with me though.

We're in a society where we're supposed to be afraid of everything. If you read the Daily Mail (and may God have mercy on your soul if you do), then you should be utterly terrified when you wake in the morning. If the Mail is to be believed, you will be mugged, raped, blown up, run over and diagnosed with a horrible disease before you even get to work. Danger, danger! How do we ever make it home each day?

The government wants us to be concerned/afraid/aware of the various dangers coming at us. Terrorists live next door; anti-social behaviour is out of control; you must be offended by anyone who is anti-capitalist or anti-West; CCTV follows us everywhere. It feels as if we're moving to a more fascist society than anything else.

So when I'm told to give up smoking by the government, I basically think, “Fuck you.” If I'm to give up smoking, then close down Macdonald's so obese people give up junk food. And make pubs alcohol free so binge drinking is tackled. Why can't we have the freedom to do what we do, without being self-righteously beaten over the head with how bad we are?

Can't we gain a little perspective? It's good to guide people on the consequences of what they do, but why can't we as a society admit we have a massive imbalance? We tell people to take, take, take to the extreme and then chastise them for doing it. Smoking, binge drinking, obesity are not the issue. Greed is the issue. When our society tackles the disease of greed, then many other things will balance out.

2011

I'm rather curious about 2011. I tend to look to the future a bit too much and can easily make plans in my head from a drop of information or activity. A small thing can happen and I've already planned how that will look in a year from now. Vivid imagination I guess. I'm curious about this year, because I'm trying to approach each day as it comes.

I want to appreciate each day (which I won't) and try to be a better man each day (which I shall fail miserably at). It's the intention though. I intend to be optimistic about the upcoming year (which I'm not feeling right now) and realise I can achieve anything. I guess I simply want to be happy.

This year will also be about optimism and imagination.

Part 2: Jesus

14 Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. 15 He was teaching in their synagogues, and everyone praised him.
16 He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. He stood up to read, 17 and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
18 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour.”

This passage always sticks with me. It’s the fact that Jesus proclaims the reason for his ministry and it’s not about pseudo-spirituality. It’s not about people going to church on a specific day or saving souls from burning in hell. It’s not about saying the right stuff and adhering to a narrow list of dogmas and large list of doctrines. It’s not about being made to feel guilty if you don’t believe the ‘right’ stuff. It’s about helping and freeing the poor and the oppressed.
I’ve rejected the church and Christianity because, quite honestly, I can’t stand a lot of the people. The self-righteousness and arrogance that they’re right and anyone who doesn’t believe is wrong, makes me cringe. I reject many atheists too who arrogantly and smugly act like anyone who believes there is a god is a fool. On both sides I find these views distasteful.

But I’ve particularly walked away from the church because I can’t see how I would ever want to mix with most of the people who go. There are a small number of people who I love dearly, who are part of the church, but the majority I couldn’t care less if I never saw them again. The detachment from reality and ignorant views they hold has no connection to my life. Singing bland songs and listening to bland preaches do not appeal. The culture of church is bizarre because most people have no idea what it all means. It is alien and full of back stabbing and politics. Been there and tried it; don’t need to go near it again.

Jesus though, he’s a different story. I doubt his divinity and am very unsure about the resurrection, but this radical man sticks with me. He hated the pompous ceremony of religion and he despised the self-righteous behaviour of many leaders. He mixed with the people who didn’t have all the answers and were messed up and full of doubts. He befriended people with short fuses and would have no idea what it means to be PC. Basically, he mixed with the likes of you and me. He was brutally honest at times and he said some difficult things. He never apologised for the way he was though. This is me, take it or leave it and many people did just that.

Jesus will always be a significant hero of mine because he treated people as human and loved them just as they were. That’s the type of guy I want to be like. I may not believe he is alive and is the Almighty God, but I do find him a man with an almighty character.

Part 1: Why So Serious?

The American Atheists Alliance has created this billboard:


Now, I think they’ve missed the point a little bit. I can understand in America you’re dealing with very vocal Evangelicals and televangelists, so getting your voice heard over them all takes some effort. It seems though, that atheist movements are simply following the culture of many Christians though. A billboard at Christmas about Christmas being a myth seems pointless. It won’t convert anyone to atheism (and the advert does seem to want to convert), just as Christian posters won’t convert anyone.

It’s all so serious, when it doesn’t need to be. Obviously atheism has many nuances, just as other religions do. My own atheism (and yes, I am an atheist, regardless of how many people say I’m not) I feel can co-exist with religion quite easily. I don’t want to convert people to atheism and bang on about the evils of religion. I also think atheist movements are rather naive to think they will see a mass conversion to disbelief. People find spirituality comforting and interesting. Many people aren’t dedicated believers in god, but they will still be certain there is one. They look rather bewildered when I say I don’t believe there’s anything spiritual. “What, you don’t even believe in ghosts?”

I do not see belief in god as an issue. As with any community, group, movement, the concern is how society is impacted. It’s the churches which beat you over the head about how you’re going to hell, but fail to do anything to engage with their community that I have a problem with. Just as I have a problem with atheists who like to point out all the injustices of the past, but do nothing to help the less fortunate.

It appears to me that there are a growing number of atheists who are so caught up in proving they’re right, they forget a lot of people simply want to ‘be’. I don’t want to convince others about what I believe, I’m simply trying to be human. I’ve taken myself too seriously in the past and don’t need to do that anymore.

Ho Ho Ho

The season of good tidings and all that nonsense is upon us. I'm rather confused as to whether be excited about it or get a semi-automatic rifle and shoot down all the Christmas lights in the town centre. Don't get me wrong, the excessive spending, causing loan sharks to hover round people's homes; the gorging of food, causing millions of women to cry into their Xmas pudding that they're fat; the dodgy presents which, by now, we have mastered the pleasantly surprised look; the, please cut out my ear drums so I don't have to listen anymore, Christmas music. They all weave their magical wand over this time of year.

Christmas brings so much pressure to have fun and be happy. It causes families to force each other to sit in the same room for 8+ hours, when usually 8+ minutes would cause domestic disturbance reports. I wonder if there is a spike in violent crime on December 25th? If you fear for your own safety on Christmas Day, make sure you slip a valium into everyone's drink, so the day is nicely chilled out.

I don't hate Christmas, but I do find it hard to embrace it. It's a bit like New Year's Eve. When it hits midnight, some people seem to think their lives will magically change. It's a nice thought, but why bother holding out a whole year for things to change? Wishful thinking doesn't tend to have much of an effect on anything. It's like me staring at a picture of Natalie Portman and hoping I will get home one day to find her in lingerie on my bed. Again, there is pressure for January to suddenly be a really positive time of year, when it will be the opposite. Everyone's skint because they bought presents for some unappreciative sod; the weather injects as much positivity as watching Schindler's List and you didn't get that snog at midnight.

I'd say we should approach Christmas with cynicism, so when the day arrives we're pleasantly surprised. After all, if you think it's going to be dire, everything will be a bonus. And you'll actually be amused by the dodgy jumper someone got you and probably wear it on New Year's Eve; because it won't make any difference to your chances of a snog anyway.