Dealing with Depression

Having depression is a major struggle to say the least. After finally admitting that I had a problem and going to the doctor, it has been improving, but my god there are dark days.

Being a man though, did not make it more difficult to admit I had a problem. The usual cliché of 'hardening up' and 'pulling myself together' never entered my mind. It was more stubborn refusal to admit that I wasn't coping. I'm quite a perfectionist, so to have an imperfect state of mind, which also countered my easy-going and jovial self, seemed utterly ridiculous. I've always enjoyed being centre of attention at parties and the source of good humour. I was dumbfounded when the thought of being in a social situation actually caused me to have a panic attack. It knocked me sideways.

Being prescribed anti-depressants felt like defeat, like I was going to be another one on happy pills. I resented taking them. But the difference they have made is incredible. They're helping me (along with my counsellor) to get to the root of why I'm depressed. It's a long slog, but doors are opening. I do know that part of the reason has been to do with my faith. My belief in god wore me down and made me feel utterly inadequate. I hate, absolutely hate the idea that we're meant to feel worthless and pitiful in front of god. Because it completely dragged my self esteem down. The pressure I put on myself to be doing all that was right and virtuous repressed me emotionally and physically. I did lose a lot of weight when I was a believer. I started to lose interest in my physical self, as it was my soul which was the real thing to worry about. Theologically incorrect and I knew it was, but it still didn't stop me doing, on some levels, a form of self harm. I wasn't looking after myself.

I knew something was wrong when one day I couldn't even make a cup of tea. I simply stared at the kettle, paralysed. It was horrendous. Being trapped mentally like that is awful. So it was when I started taking medication and dealing with the illness that it became liberating. The other thing which really helped was renouncing my faith. I feel so much more alive by believing there is no god, which is ironic as Jesus always spoke about liberating people.

I don't feel my belief system is dictating my mind. It is now a facet to my life which is not centre stage. I'm able to focus more on the things which I want to achieve and I hope am more able to give the love to others I want to give. I'm no longer repressed.

Miracle?

One thing I have to grapple with intellectually is whether or not I saw and experienced miracles when I was a Christian. My posts have highlighted God's apparent lack of action or interaction with his creation, but miracles are a big sign that he does indeed make his presence known.

I have numerous stories of God's apparent presence and involvement and I am trying to understand how that fits in to my new found atheism; did I see miracles?

Did I see angels outside my bedroom window one night? Did I pray for people to be healed and they actually were? Could I really speak in tongues (a language given by God)? Was I able to prophesy into people's lives and know things about them no-one else could possibly know? How much of this was genuine and how much of this was simply wanting it to be real and therefore believing God was involved.

I'm not entirely sure. That's not to say I'm not firm in my belief in there being no god, but it's incredible how much we, as humans, can do by the simple power of thought. In very intense religious meetings, with everyone expectant and desperate for god to do something, you see a lot of people believing god is actually doing something. The hype creates a lot of apparent miracles. I know there were times I was so desperate for god to answer my prayers and perform a miracle I forced my reactions; not to be some sort of fraud, but a need to know god's presence. I simply wonder how often it was emotion and psychological need other than god actually being there.

I don't know if I really saw angels and I honestly doubt I did. There are enough factors involved for me to think it was a combination of tiredness, wishful thinking and poor eyesight! I can still recall certain words from when I used to speak in tongues; heavenly language or a clever production of the brain?

I have far too many doubts about my many religious experiences to think they were genuine. I think I wanted them to be genuine more than anything else. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. There are certainly things which cannot be explained, but I have too many doubts and cannot believe there is a god out there. Those inexplicable things can remain a mystery for now.

The Loud Silence

I went to my twin brother's graduation on Saturday. Joe graduated with a degree in theology and will be ordained in July. I am very proud of him and he studied hard for five years to achieve it. What struck me though, was something one of his former lecturers said during the ceremony.

John Colwell was speaking and I have a lot of respect for him. I find his life story fascinating and he challenges very narrow minded opinions and conceptions that Christians may have. One thing stuck with me though and it was how he said God will do more than our wildest dreams. I frankly find this wishful thinking. I see nothing in the world we live in or from my own experiences as a Christian to see why Christians believe this. God is very much a god of disappointment with seemingly very little interaction with the children he supposedly created.

I don't have anything new to say in objection to faith in god, but things that make me unable to subscribe to a belief, is god's rather loud silence. If god is all powerful (omnipotent) then he chooses not to intervene in events which surely, surely he should have stepped in on and said, “Enough!”. The Bible accounts of him doing this: he showed miracles and powerful direct actions to free the Israelites from slavery and potential genocide. Jesus calmed storms and rose the dead. So why, why does god not stop the extermination of millions of Jews or intervene in the awful genocide in Rwanda when the international community chose to ignore it? If god exists then he either couldn't get involved, meaning he's not all powerful, or he chose not to get involved which makes me question the theology that he is all loving. It seems a strange way to show you are an all loving being.

I feel so much more comfortable with god not existing and understanding that he can't help because he's not there. It means we don't have to explain away why god seems rather absent in so many things. Complex theologies are not needed and false hope of Jesus returning to eradicate evil is dispensed with. Of course I have many questions and see things which cannot be explained, but I see more to make me feel god isn't there than to think that he is.

To sum, it takes more faith for me to believe in god than not.

Pushing Open the Door

The door to atheism creaked open more than flew open with some moment of enlightenment. A number of factors made me step, tentatively, through into the realms of disbelief more than anything else. It hasn't been black and white and I think that's what surprised me. When I converted to Christianity, it was through lots of exploration, but ultimately, what clinched it for me was a very emotional moment. That's not a bad thing at all and that's very much me. I am a very emotional person and will put a lot of emotion into whatever I do. It can be detrimental, but I believe it also shows a lot of integrity. I like that I'm emotional.

So a lot of emotional factors have definitely played a part to becoming an atheist. I grapple with depression for a start. It is something I struggle with most days and causes me to go to dark places so it's hard to see clearly. It can sometimes disable me even physically, but ultimately I am on top of it and through the support of others and mantras I try to use about myself, it won't drag me down.

It's the causes of my illness though that have turned me away from Christianity and any belief in a god. Quite honestly the actions of many people within the church put a mental burden on me that I could no longer deal with and I guess my brain shut down. I felt an immense amount of pressure to be someone I could never be and granted I put a lot of that pressure on myself, but also there was so much judgement and condemnation flying around, it was hard to gain a positive sense of self. I don't really feel I need to get into the details, but I have felt so much resentment towards so many people within the church (internationally as well as locally) I couldn't bear to be a part of that anymore. With such disillusionment with so many people, it caused me to question so much about the belief system I held on to with such passion.

As I questioned it, it caused greater disillusionment with the God I believed to be perfect and all loving. In fact, I began to find him lazy, impotent and even cruel. I'll expand on that in another post.

But what has happened is I could not deny that I no longer believed in God and had to push the door to atheism open to see if it was just the Christian God or all gods. I realised I was much happier when I realised I believed this existence is finite.

So I've stepped through and here I stand.

Journey to Disbelief

I think journey to disbelief is apt because I have taken a journey to atheism from a very fundamentalist state of mind. Complete extremes define a lot of who I am and I guess I'm not surprised that I'm now an atheist. I'm not sure I'm able to live in grey areas.

I know that writing this will be cathartic as I feel sick about some of my former beliefs. If you met me in 2005, for instance, and you weren't a zealous Christian, I would have assumed you were going to suffer in Hell for eternity. I remember telling close friends they were destined for Hell. I said it so matter of factly, it disturbs me to think I was like that. What a callous and strange way to behave? Christianity is meant to be about love and grace and I was far from loving and gracious to people. It had to be so black and white and if people didn't fit into certain boxes then they weren't following God correctly. Fundamentalism and conservative evangelicalism is based a lot on insecurity. It enables people to fit life's questions into neat little boxes and gloss over those really confusing and difficult questions which have no answers. We cannot provide answers to so many things and as I became more and more 'liberal' as a Christian I realised having questions, which couldn't be answered, was actually healthy.

I think though the biggest impact I've felt since becoming an atheist is the liberation emotionally. I feel so much more alive now that I no longer hold on to those beliefs. I feel so much more at ease with the world I inhabit believing there is no god and that this life is all there will ever be. I find that so much more comforting than the idea of an eternity with so many people I would hate to spend a day with let alone forever. It actually seems rather cruel and ironic to think heaven will be filled with some of the most judgemental, critical and plain banal characters around. So I'd rather not be there really.

Ultimately I have a new faith. And this faith is enabling me to feel at ease in my own skin. Slowly but surely.